“Constructive Criticism”- the phrase we all know and loathe…but is there ever a time for it? Can it be done right?
In this episode, Leah begins Chapter 2 of Marriage Secrets, and addresses the critical issues that pop up along the way…constructively, of course!
Tune in for the first 8 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:50!
Leah’s Points to Ponder:
- Beware: this material can trigger emotional defense mechanisms.
- Some may reject ideas to avoid challenging their well-worn habits.
- It often takes time to adjust to the contents of this book.
- Deriding something is the fastest way out of having to work on improving our behaviors.
- Try to give each concept a fair shot, taking actions as if it were valid. Then you can truly judge if it helps bring more peace into your marriage or not.
- Women have a real, deep, valid need to be cherished by their spouses.
Viewer Questions:
Naomi: I’m a newlywed and a big source of contention for us is how to split visiting our families for the holidays, etc. If I’m always giving control to my husband, will there ever be a time where it’s going to be in my favor?
Leah: The first few months of letting go of control are the hardest, because you will feel like you have no voice. After a while, you’ll start to see a miracle: that he’ll start asking you what you think, and what you would like. So hang in there!
Esther: I am a prisoner to being defensive and my husband can be very critical. How do I deal with this?
Leah: At a quiet, peaceful time, talk to your husband:
“I feel like I’m a generally defensive person, due to things in my past, and it makes it hard for me to hear you at all and creates a distance between us. Can I tell you when I start to feel defensive or is there something else I can say or do to diffuse the situation?”
Also, you can write in your journal about times that you felt defensive and think of something to say as a response to it.
As far as your husband being critical, it says in the Torah that a husband should never criticize his wife. He can give her input in a nice way, couched in compliments, but never a straight-out criticism. So, again, at peaceful time, talk to him:
“I want to hear your opinions and input. At the same time, the way it’s said makes a huge difference in how well I can hear it. What can WE do to solve this issue together?”
Rikki: Where’s the source that a man should never criticize his wife? I need to quote it and use it to my advantage!
Leah: It’s not well-known. You shouldn’t expect it or demand it of your husband, but you can use your women’s intuition and loving support of him to help show him how to give you input in a way that isn’t painful. Also pay attention to if YOU are criticizing HIM!
Chumi: If he says something to me, I throw it back to him. Who ever came up with that term constructive criticism? There’s nothing constructive about it!
Leah: This could be your husband’s bad habit. Everyone has to pick their battles. If this is keeping you from closeness with him and is in your top 5 things you’d like to improve in your marriage, tune it at 26:07 for Leah’s suggestions!
Try This at Home:
Notice if you have an emotional need for your husband’s validation, and if you notice any urge to crush that feeling.
