The in-law relationship is always tricky- on both sides!

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets with pages 189-191. She also tackles viewer questions that will help you navigate those tricky parental waters…and much more!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Before communicating, think about the outcomedesired- do we want to be right or do we want shalom (peace)?
• Relinquishing control and seeking shalomwill bring bracha (blessing).
• Our opinions are needed but how we present them makes all the difference. If we hold our opinions back and wait a little, it will come out softer and be received better.
• Before communicating, take the following steps:
• Make a list and prioritize what needs discussing
• Brainstorm the best ways of communicating with husband (tune in at 05:01 for some top tips!)

Viewer Questions:

Sari: Often times when my husband and I stop a conversation to avoid a heated argument, when I try to bring it up again my husband says ‘it’s over, don’t live in the past’. This leaves me hurt and confused. I tried to talk to him about it and he said the same thing! Do I carry on and have an argument or just let it go forever even though its lives on in my heart?

Leah: Do not sweep it under the rug. For whatever reason, Hashem gave you this challenge, but you can explain (in the nicest, sweetest way) that your pain is not in the past, it’s ongoing. Listen in at timecode 08:09 to express your desire to come back to harmony so that you can grow as a couple. If you speak from the heart with the H.O.T. tools and he still doesn’t hear it, you need to get a third party involved. Solving this is essential to maintain closeness.

Rivka: I used to sit down with my husband periodically to discuss how we think our relationship is doing and if there’s an area in which we can grow. But I stopped initiating because every session would end up being my husband complaining about everything! Do you think it’s wise I gave up on these relationship assessment sessions, or did I just go about them in the wrong way?

Leah: Without having heard everything that was said, it’s hard to say. Maybe start with asking what is working in your relationship and then work on growing that. The ideal direction is to work on receiving more from your husband and thanking him more -and the other things we’ve been learning about- because those are guaranteed from Chazal (our sages) to improve your shalom bayis (marital peace).

Rachel: If my husband is disappointed with himself professionally, did I contribute to his lack of success? If I was a better wife, would he be more successful? I thought that behind every successful man is an amazing wife!?

Leah: Unfortunately, the answer is often yes, but we also don’t know what the decree was supposed to be from G-d and if our actions are indeed minimizing what the failure would have been. Tune in at timecode 15:34 to hear how even being the most successful wife won’t necessarily lead to having a successful husband because of our limited perspective. Life is a huge tapestry and we just see a few threads from the back. We do know that if we are being the best receiver we can, we are bringing as much bracha into our home as is decreed at this time, whatever that ends up looking like.

Nechama: I’ve been trying so hard to avoid arguing and to maintain constant shalom bayis (peace in the home), that I’ve lost my voice in my marriage. I never even think to offer my opinion anymore, but I know my husband wants it and needs it on certain issues. How do I continue to walk on eggshells but also remember to speak up? How do I tap into my bina yisaira (women’s intuition) when I haven’t in years?

Leah: It’s sad because a woman’s voice is so needed, disappearing yourself isn’t following the mesorah (tradition). Pick yourself up, redirect and work through the book step by step. Your job is to be an influencer. Learn the right tactics to replace your current ones. If it’s a deeper issue based on past trauma, you need to speak with a therapist. Something is blocking you from becoming the receiver you can be; there is no place for decreasing your self-esteem and minimizing your integral role.

Golda: Sometimes my parents ask my opinion in certain matters in front of my husband. Should I ask my husband what he thinks about it even though my parents want my opinion or I should just tell them my opinion? Does it give my husband control and kavod (respect) to ask his opinion or is it not necessary?

Leah: Great question- it’s actually a mistake on the part of your parents to put you in the position of stating your opinion in front of your husband. They should be doing things in a way that fosters closeness and respect to your husband. You are a unit with him so if it happens, give your husband the respect and say, “I’m much more interested in what my husband has to say about that!” (Then respectfully at another time speak to your parents about please not doing that again.) Listen in at 24:48 for a shocking revelation from a Rov about parental/in-law interference. You are required to put your husband above your parents or in-laws, so gift him his need for control.

Deena: How can I communicate with my husband when he is having trouble communicating nicely to me? My husband always offers his opinion, and he does not speak in a soft tone. Is there a way I can respond to elicit kinder communication from him?

Leah: You are definitely not alone in this! G-d made most men harsher for a reason. Tune in at 30:12 for an example highlighting the male/female contrast! He does need to be kind and not cruel, but don’t expect him to speak like a woman. Share your feelings with him using the H.O.T. tools in a way which doesn’t squash the masculinity out of him. You may need to have the discussion more than once (in true male style!)

Try This At Home:

One time this week, raise your husband up in front of your parents or in-laws.