Does this cry resonate with you? You’re in good company! We’re all overwhelmed, overworked, and just plain over it! So how are we supposed to find the energy to prioritize our marriage? Tune in as Leah addresses this, and other issues in this super-charged Secret Wives Club Q&A session!
Viewer Questions:
Miri: I feel like when I make myself vulnerable and share a feeling with my husband, it comes back to haunt me later. For example: I say I was picky as a child so he blames me that our child is picky.
Leah: Everything in your life can be made into something sweet or sour. It’s your choice to choose to look at it humorously. “Yeah, aren’t genetics funny sometimes?”
If it bothers you too much to make a joke or laugh it off, sit down with him at a peaceful time and explain how you need to be able to be vulnerable with him without worrying about it being used against you later, and ask for his help in getting over that worry.
Racheli: This wasn’t covered in what we read so far, but a huge source of contention for my husband and I is his mother. Is there a section in the book about how to deal with a difficult mother-in-law?
Leah: See here for the link to the show on mothers-in-law. These issues are often loyalty issues. Many men don’t realize that they’re supposed to put their wives before their moms. You can’t tell him that by wagging your finger- that never works! Come to him at a peaceful time:
“I’ve been learning that a husband should cleave to his wife and put her before his mother, but I’m not sure how that plays out practically. You’re such a wonderful son and you want to take care of your mom, but I feel like I keep getting put second to her and it’s so hurtful. How do you think we should handle this?”
Michelle: In a previous show, you mentioned that for shalom you can pretend and not be entirely truthful. My ex-husband used to say, “Why are you lying?” because he could tell I was faking it. I wanted to keep the peace, but I obviously wasn’t good at pretending. How can I do it better?
Leah: You can say, “I learned I’m supposed to help people feel good, and to keep peace as a top priority…if that joke brought me 5% joy that I then magnified, is that considered lying? My goal is that you feel good, so if you’re uncomfortable with it, what would you prefer I do?”
Daniella: When I first got married, I had all these ideals about how my marriage should look. As the years went by and different crises arose, I’m feeling flat and resigned to an OK marriage. I’m disappointed, but don’t feel like I have the energy to put in the work.
Leah: Tune in at 13:48 for a great analogy! You have no idea the treasure that awaits you if you put the energy in. Results are guaranteed!
Dina: My husband is a high-profile person in the community and whenever we go out, even just the two of us, people keep gate-crashing our date and engaging with my husband. I feel ignored. It’s a fine line to ask my husband not to engage. This issue is really beginning to come between us.
Leah: It needs to be a balance between alone time and filling his need for those interactions. A date with gate-crashers won’t fill your alone time need, so you need to get it another way and time. Talk to him about it without blame so you can work a system that suits you both.
Shayna: There’s been a lot of talk in the media recently about Laura Doyle’s book The Surrendered Wife, which many find controversial. You talk about a wife following the mesorah– is that the same thing as surrendering yourself?
Leah: I don’t know that material. Our mesorah says that a wife should be the receiver. It’s all in the Torah sources. A receiver is not just someone who surrenders. It’s about being a helpmate opposite him. Her woman’s intuition is crucial to their lives. I don’t know what the author of that book means by surrendered. I just know what our mesorah says.
Try This at Home:
When you get to that burnt-out or resentful place, one time this week try to get over that hurdle and push yourself one step further. Action has a way of giving us strength. Then reward yourself big-time!
