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In this episode, Leah tackles answering some of the awesome viewer questions we weren’t able to get to in previous episodes- keep sending those in!

Viewer Questions:
Rachel: Whatever I saw modeled as a child was what I perceived as normal. So my expectations for marriage were totally unrealistic. How do I change that now?
Leah: Whatever history you have was exactly what your soul needed to fulfill your potential. Everything has been a learning experience to jump off of, for better or for worse. Access as many Torah-based sources on marriage as you can. Get a Rabbi/Rebbetzin/mentor. It takes time and practice, but if you make it a priority, you can do it!

Bella: I always like to have control- it’s scary not having it. I’m not sure I’m ready to take that step.
Leah: Take baby steps. That scary feeling lessens over time, especially as you see subtle, small changes in your relationship. A good rule of thumb to remember: choose connection, not control.

Kayla: I have issues letting go of control in my dating life. I am very dominant. How do I let it go now so I don’t ruin my marriage later? It’s hard for me to tone it down and be more easy-going.
Leah: Be sure that you’re not confusing being controlling with being a go-getter and an accomplished person. Letting go of control with your spouse doesn’t affect your success as a person in your life. It’s about being an influencer of your spouse and letting him be in control. You don’t need to be a laidback, chill person.

Helena: In your own story, why didn’t you blame your husband for your marital distress? What made you feel that the responsibility was in your hands?
Leah: I think I was also self-aware enough to know that I had my own issues. For example, I was a big pouter and I saw with my husband’s help that it was creating distance in our relationship. I wanted directions and a bulletproof plan endorsed by G-d’s Torah that would be effective in improving my marriage and bringing peace and satisfaction into our home. One of the main lessons I had to learn was that we’re not looking for fair, we’re looking for peace.

Ayala: How did you feel when you let your husband decide? Did you feel powerless or empowered in that moment?
Leah: In the moment? Frustrated! For a personal example of Leah letting of control and what resulted, tune in at 15:40. G-d always takes care of you!

Eliana: How did you feel being the main supporter while your husband went back to school?
Leah: Writing books is not a lucrative career, unfortunately. We went into debt and it was very challenging, but this was what he wanted to do and I supported him in it. When he got discouraged, I told him that even though in finances we were struggling, in the things that G-d values- shalom bayis (peace in the home) and being a mensch (a good person) and a part of the community- in those things he was getting gold stars. That helped us keep our eye on the ball.

Lauren: What if your husband works from home? How do you separate and have a break so the home becomes your domain? How do you deal with him always watching what you’re doing and you needing space?
Leah: These are very big issues that are way more common now, since COVID struck. You need to remember that the more you try to grab control back, the more control they will want. For starters, when it’s not in the thick of things, talk to him: “I don’t want to make a big deal and I’m not complaining, but I need to problem-solve with you. Before COVID I ran the house a certain way, and now that you’re home, I feel like you want me to run it a different way, and I feel a bit micromanaged. What do you think is a way we can handle this that can work for both of us?” Speak from your heart in a way that’s not accusing.

Ariella: If your husband has a controlling nature, how do you maintain a healthy balance of control?
Leah: There is no balance at all. You are the influencer. You are the navigator of the ship and your husband is the captain. To watch Leah illustrate this, tune in at 25:34! The husband is the head, but the wife is the neck. Influence is far more powerful than control will ever be, and your stress levels will be so much more manageable.

Try This at Home:
Start practicing your new affirmation: I choose connection, not control!