Can someone tell my husband that it’s better to be nice than to be right?!
It’s time for a break from Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets while Leah tackles your most pressing issues with appreciation, getting needs met and what to do when your husband just isn’t so nice!
Viewer Questions:
Ella: I hate to say this, but my husband is not such a nice person. He describes himself as “not an easy person to get along with”. He is always having issues with others in shul or at work and it is so stressful for me that it’s more important to him to be right than to be a mensch (nice person). How am I supposed to be on his side and not look down on him for this?
Leah: Why do you think Hashem gave you this test? Listen in at 1:50 to hear how, given the choice, you would actually choose this very problem. This is absolutely designed for you to fulfill your potential in this world. He is how he is, and you are uniquely qualified to deal with this. Timecode 3:22 will show you how to shift from judging him to being on his side. He has this difficulty and people who aren’t easy to get along with feel they are surrounded by enemies, so you be his support. Remember, this challenge is from Hashem and you’re not here to fix him, you’re here to help him.
Chava: I find it hard to connect to my husband mainly because I feel inferior to him. He works so hard and is so amazing at everything he does, and I really struggle with the small jobs that I take care of. How do I build my own self-security and esteem in my relationship, so that I feel comfortable sharing and confiding in my husband?
Leah: 1) There is nothing that your husband accomplishes that’s not because of your background support. If you don’t believe this, listen in at 07:36 for an example which proves how a woman can make or break her man! 2) Feelings about yourself will change day to day- but obviously your actions are building up your husband because he is successful, so keep up whatever you are doing! 3) Building self-esteem is not a quick fix issue. You may need to introspect about your childhood, read books on it or seek a therapist.
Leora: Many times when I go above and beyond for my family, my husband actually gets frustrated with me because he feels that I’m pushing myself too much, and then in turn I get so upset because I just want to be appreciated! How can we bridge this gap?
Leah: Firstly, listen to our show on appreciation. Secondly, introspect if he mad you’re doing so much because of the cost to him, such as less attention, or you become exhausted and grouchy? He may prefer you put your efforts elsewhere. Tune in at timecode 17:45 to hear how to have a conversation which will leave you both satisfied!
Suri: I try to always do what my husband asks me to take care of, but lately he’s asked me for so much, I feel like I have to choose between fulfilling his requests and fulfilling my own needs.
Leah: This definitely needs a conversation, timecode 18:51 will show you how to come off this tightrope and find the perfect balance.
Chaya Leah: My husband is a man of very few words. Will any of these methods work on someone like him? If he just responds with “yes” when I prompt him for appreciation, will it fill my bucket up enough? Ex: “Wasn’t the soup delicious?” “Yes.” “Don’t I look nice today?” “Yes.” Etc. etc. He’s very quiet naturally and selective with his words.
Leah: There are 2 parts: 1) trying to let that fill your bucket and being ok with it. If it’s a pathetic appreciation but it comes frequently that is still better than an A* appreciation which seldom comes. 2) Having a heart-to-heart conversation- timecode 22:18, will show you how to get his heart into that appreciation!
Hadassa: How do you feel about the “sandwich” method – saying things with a compliment first and then a compliment after?
Leah: It’s great as long as you do it right! Listen in at 23:55 to hear how not to do it, and then how to do it right! Keep away from criticism and keep growth as the focus.
Perri: My husband is very stressed about finances. I have a lot of bitachon (trust in G-d) in this area and see how Hashem (G-d) has always taken care of us. My husband thinks that because I’m not stressed about it, I don’t realize the gravity of the situation and that I’m not taking our financial situation seriously. I’ve tried to explain my perspective but I don’t want to sound preachy or like I’m criticizing his bitachon level. What do I do?
Leah: It’s possible that he doesn’t feel heard or validated. You need to really listen and really feel the pain of the stress he is under. Timecode 29:18 will help you show him that you support him through his stress.
Try This At Home:
When something is frustrating you with your husband, think deeply about how to best express it for increased closeness and then communicate it to him.
