Episode 95 I Don’t Forgive You!

Forgive you…forgive you not!

Join Leah as she continues with Marriage Secrets Chapter 11, pages 272-275 and unravels how to forgive a husband who doesn’t see what he’s done wrong, can’t help but trigger you or what to do when he won’t forgive you! Wouldn’t it feel great to be resentment free and full of forgiveness? Listen in and learn how.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• We need to communicate at appropriate times, rather than bottle-up feelings and explode with resentment.
• Us women need to feel heard and even if we don’t get our way, if we are heard we might be upset at the circumstances but not at our husband.
• Once there is a lump under the rug, it’s possible to get back to harmony. The first step is realizing that every problem is from Hashem and He wants growth from us.
• If there is not a good communication track record, a third party might be necessary.
• Often writing a letter is a successful way of expressing our feelings.
• There are three parts to cleaning the rug: sharing feelings, listening and forgiving each other.

Viewer Questions:

Jessica: I once tried bringing something up from the past, but my husband found it strange and told me that I’m looking for problems. I hear where he’s coming from, and I haven’t done it since. Now I’m a little confused!

Leah: You just need to straighten it out and show him you’re not carrying the past but it’s in the present too. Explain you’re bringing it up because you want it to be resolved for the sake of reaching harmony.

Chaya Sarah: I feel resentful of my husband because I feel that even though I am a stay-at-home mom, I work harder than my husband, and it’s not acknowledged by him. My husband is blessed to have a very relaxed job, that isn’t even full time, while my job being the homemaker, is 24/7. I want my husband to acknowledge how hard I work without him feeling bad that he doesn’t work nearly as hard. (Our children are quite the handful!)

Leah: We know that all the brocha (blessing) comes from Hashem to the husband, to the wife so it’s pointless to feel mad at him. By saying that you work harder, it’s almost as if you’re taking the partnership out of your partnership. If you need more appreciation, listen to our show on filling your appreciation bucket. Your husband having an easier life was God given- I don’t think it would help you if your husband had a harder life; resenting him for this is an error on your part. It sounds like you need to solicit more appreciation to help you to keep going.

Emmie: B’H my husband and I don’t argue much, but ironically when we do, it’s often in front of our kids. (Probably because when we’re with the kids things can get stressful fast!) I’d love some tips for avoiding conflict in front of them. What I’ve been trying so far is just asking him if we can talk about it later, but he just gets more upset because he likes to deal with conflict right away and not let it fester. I get resentful of him when he just gets more frustrated because I’m just trying to protect our kids!

Leah: This needs pre-emptive communication. Timecode 12:39 will show you how to present it to him in a way he’ll be convinced! Try to enact a secret code that you can have with each other in the moment. Also, if in general you don’t try to always get your way, your husband will be more likely to willingly give you your way in the areas that really matter to you.

Tzippy: I find it hard to forgive my husband if he doesn’t understand what he’s done. Sometimes, I’ll communicate my upsets with him, but he doesn’t really get it so doesn’t take responsibility. How can I then forgive him? It’s like talking to a wall.

Leah: Try multiple ways of communicating with him. Timecode 16.06 has some wonderful ideas, listen in and hopefully one method will work! You might need to show him you feel unvalidated and then put the problem in his lap by asking what you should do. You deserve to be validated but know that he loves you and will hopefully want you to be heard. Also, consider whether there is a part of you that is responsible, for example if growing up you didn’t feel heard or validated, then introspect if this predates your marriage as this might help you break through.

Shaina: I’m not the one who has trouble with bearing a grudge. A few years ago, I embarrassed my husband, and it seems like no matter how many times I apologize, he constantly refers to it. How many times can a woman say sorry!

Leah: Timecode 19:39 will show you how to apologize in a way that this will be the last apology- once and for all! Ask him what you can do to finally make it up to him and show him you’re ready, willing and able to do whatever he needs.

Try This At Home:

Take responsibility for one resentment and think what you can do to get over it.