How can I live with a man who has such horrible, harmful habits?!
Join Leah for another Deep Dive as she answers some intense and painful questions from narcissism to nicotine to husbands who lose it or don’t want to grow. So, ladies, instead of getting ready to drop those balls, let’s get ready to juggle!
Viewer Questions:
Sarah: When my husband gets triggered by something, he loses it. He yells at the kids, calls them names and sometimes threatens them. How can I back him up when he’s so in the wrong? When he’s not angry he’s fabulous. I know you say that this is the father Hashem chose but it hurts, and I think he needs anger management classes.
Leah: The answer is pre-emptive communication. You seething in the moment isn’t good for your marriage or your kids. At a calm time, try following timecode 01:48 to hear how to express yourself calmly in order to get a calm response back. Say it in a way that if he said it to you, you’d be able to hear. Plan it out, look into the past at what worked and pick your time well. If he really does need anger management, which by the way, most of us do need as we all have anger flares, but if you strongly feel he does then start by putting the problem in his lap. If necessary, approach him in a loving way about your concerns.
Chevi: Hi Leah. Do you have advice/guidance for someone dealing with a narcissistic spouse?
Leah: This is very hard. Often, narcissism stems from insecurities from childhood issues. Try complimenting him plenty and see if it helps. Try speaking to him logically and see if it helps. There are plenty of books and articles on this to help you learn how to deal with it. The core thing that’ll help you live with this challenge is remembering that every soul is put on this earth to grow and fulfil its potential. For whatever reason, you were given this challenge by G-d and it is part of your growth journey. Instead of being angry at your husband, work on compassion and acceptance that this is what G-d gave you.
Deenie: Hi, I’ve been married for 37 years, of which 35 years living in US. My husband and I were raised in USSR. I want to observe more and I’m trying to be Shomer Shabbos (keeping Shabbat laws) now, but my husband doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve been taking “baby steps” to be more observant for at least 30 yrs. I’ve been reading and participating in multitude of marriage related topics, but now feel that I am at dead end in this conflict- nothing works. I am not sure how the marriage can be saved. I would appreciate any advice.
Leah: This is not a reason not to stay married, as confirmed by Gedolim. A wife can be completely orthodox and her husband not at all, as long as there is mutual respect and no bad-mouthing. See our series on spiritually challenged husbands. It’s sad and I know it’s painful and difficult, but it can be done. Also, when you got married you were both on the same page, just because you changed, it doesn’t necessarily mean he has to. Sometimes, if a wife is completely accepting and loving that can impact her husband’s desire to become more orthodox. But regardless of the outcome, you can make this marriage work. If he doesn’t allow you to practise mitzvos and he puts you down, then a therapist or Rov should be seen. This challenge is surely easier than the challenge of being alone.
Esty: My husband is a chain smoker. This bothers me for many reasons, the most basic of which are the negative impact on our health, lifestyle and finances (cigarettes are expensive and in those amounts, very expensive). All that aside, what triggers me the most is seeing him sitting for (very) extended periods of time during the day just smoking, not doing anything else. It makes me look at him as lazy, laid back and weak for just giving in to his addiction. I know that I cannot judge him in any way as I have no idea what it means to be addicted to nicotine and cannot begin to imagine how very difficult it is to wean oneself off. I want to know what I can do to accept him the way he is, because I know that I can’t change him, I can only change myself. I want to be a kinder wife, one who won’t look down at her husband because of something that she perceives as a very negative practice. What can I do so as not to get triggered every time I see him smoke?
Leah: You’re so inspiring. The core of this starts with respect being granted never earned. What feeds a man is when his wife respects him so it’s pointless waiting until he will earn your respect. Timecode 23:40 will give some practical examples of giving such respect in order to deepen your understanding of how respect works. Under the chuppa (wedding canopy), Hashem put our husband’s neshama (soul) into our hands and it’s our responsibility to show him respect every single day. This is the secret to our happiness in this world. You need to try it to believe it. Respecting him leads him to cherish us more. If you can shift your mindset and tell yourself it’s not your business, you will come to a place of acceptance which will make huge shifts in your marriage. Also, this is part of your challenge because Hashem chose you as his wife. How can you grow from this?
Try This At Home:
One time this week do one action to show your husband respect.
