Today’s esteemed guest knows what it means to win battles — she wrote the book on it! Let’s get right into the practical ways each of us can win the battles that take place in our daily lives.

Leah interjects: Firstly, the word, “Divorce” should never be spoken in a marriage.

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb responds: Our tradition says that wherever the husband needs to live, that’s where the family should reside. One cannot expect any person to do something outside the range of their choices. The wife needs to be willing to make it easier for her husband, not harder. Furthermore, the wife should explain the facts to the children so there could be a smooth transition. Unless the husband is a skilled worker, most people won’t hire him. However, he needs to know that there are sensible opportunities where he is considering moving, not necessarily a job contract.

Sarit asks further: What if the wife has a lucrative job? Should they stay while the wife supports the family?

The Rebbetzin responds: If they didn’t agree to that when they got married, then they would need to agree to change the rules.

Leah wants to know more about the Rebbetzin’s life: Rebbetzin, you have taught thousands of people and touched countless lives. Did you always want to be an educator? How did you become a teacher at Neve?

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb answers: When I was first married, across from where I lived was a family who had a border staying with them. The border wanted to know more about Judaism. She tried out Hebrew University, but was disappointed because she wanted to learn about the heart and soul of Judaism, which Hebrew University wasn’t providing her with. I offered to study with her and we got to know each other. After a turn of events, she got accepted to Neve Yerushaliem College for Women, and I offered to continue teaching her, alongside others, at Neve. The rest is history.

Leah continues: In your book, what do you mean by battles?

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb shares: Everybody’s battles are different and everybody has areas of conflict. Some of our battles are inherent and some are circumstantial. Inherent conflicts are universal, such as, “Who do I want to be” not, “What do I want to have?” When you ask yourself what you enjoy most, people most likely will answer physical and esthetic pleasures, such as beauty and art. When people are asked what makes them happiest, they will most likely answer that it’s being close to other people and/or achieving. The battle is to know what will bring you there, what real achievements are, and what’s worth investing in. The forces of evil within us are forces of unreality.

In terms of what we want in life, we could be so invested, but not obtain our goal because we chase what is futile or even destructive. The function of the positive commandments are to give us connection and the negative commandments keep us from wasting our lives with illusions, such as stealing.  It’s possible that everyone has stolen something in their lives, even something small. The reason why people steal is because there is something they want but don’t have, and they think they can get away with it. Aside from stealing being bad for the storekeeper, it’s bad for you to think that what you have isn’t what you need and what somebody else has is what you need.

Thinking like that destroys your sense of believing in a sincere way. G-d provides you with whatever you need in order for you to achieve in life. Let me share a story with you: I was waiting for a bus in Jerusalem for 30 minutes and I saw a helicopter overhead, which was clear to me that Prime Minister Netanyahu was going somewhere. I wouldn’t think that it’s unfair that here I am waiting for a bus while he’s being chauffeured around. It’s clear that he has different needs and therefore a different life. The more you could see this, the less you will want to have someone else’s life. This spills over to other people’s marriages, children, and all situations in a broad sense. The function of our commandments is to help us tear down barriers, such as falsehood, ego, and desire, which help us to connect better with others.

Leah wants to know more: What is the secret to a long, happy, and productive marriage from the Torah’s perspective?

The Rebbetzin responds: Somebody asked Rav Chaim Kanievsky, who is one of the main Torah Scholars of our generation, why marriages seem less solid now than in generations past. The rising divorce rate is real, which also tells us that marriages which haven’t ended in divorce, may not be too great either. There is an illusion to marry someone perfect. The function of marriage is to build and grow together. If you’re willing to see the beauty in your husband and build together, rather than having a sense of entitlement, you will have a good marriage.

Leah adds to this: I would like to add that in this generation, there has been a shift away from the husband being the giver and the wife being the receiver. This unfortunate trend leads to so much tragedy and pain because our deepest needs are not being met. Understand that the husband is the giver, the wife is the receiver, and never confuse those roles. G-d created us and gave us this tradition. Read books, such as Marriage Secrets to learn how to become a receiver.

A question comes in from a follower: My husband uses negative language and name-calling with the children. How can I deal with this aspect of my husband from a Torah perspective?

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb advises: Different areas in our lives show our imperfections more readily, such as childrearing, money habits, and in-laws. Our mistakes affect our children. It’s normal to be very different from our spouses. Husbands and wives came from different homes and are different genders. It’s normal to have different ideas about raising children and it’s important to normalize that. There is a rule never to argue in front of the children about how to raise them. Arguments such as these could get heated and the credibility and integrity of the parents is diminished. It is best to have a talk in private, such as, “this is how I would have done it, what do you think?”

It’s important to know who is doing the “talking;” is it your higher self or your lower self? Your higher self is more grateful, more satisfied, more willing to be a giver. Your lower self is more vulnerable, defensive, and wants to be a taker. There are two negative traits which surface when you lose your higher self, which are ego and anger. All the other traits could be used for good or for bad; these two are the hardest ones.

When you’re angry, you’re saying, “this isn’t right; it should be the way I want it to be”. Ask yourself if your situation could change. Do you need to adapt or work towards changing? I have a friend who had an aneurism and lost her bodily abilities. There was nothing she could do to change that and she realized that. Once she concluded that, her question was, “Who could I be as I actually am?” After a certain point, there was no place for anger.

There are people who get stuck in anger because they feel that if they let go of their anger, then their situation is right. It’s very difficult to get a grip on our emotions. When you feel yourself getting angry, the Maharal said to learn that you don’t need to talk now. When you think you shouldn’t say something, don’t! Next, ask yourself if the situation is physical, spiritual, emotional, or intellectual? Material things aren’t worth the anger because material is transient. Does it have to change and is it possible to change it? One of the things people try to change is that other people have different natures than they have. People are allowed to be different. Once you accept that people are different, the situation is only irritating and it’s no longer worth getting riled up over it. You can even ask what you can learn from and what you can contribute to that person. How can I make the situation better? If you think that everyone has to be just like you, you will have a lot of misguided anger. When you’re already angry, it’s a good idea to say the Traveler’s Prayer, which asks G-d to take you to peace and to a good life. No one sees themselves as egocentric; they see themselves as self-assertive. Egocentric means you put yourself as the main player and other people in supportive roles. The big goal is to see G-d as the main player and yourself and other people in supportive roles.

Another question came in: What about if the battle being grappled with is about being a pessimistic type of person? Especially during COVID when the whole world seems to be imploding!

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb responds: If you say the prayers in the morning from the prayer book, you’re conscious that you’ve gotten out of bed, you have life, your body works, you have sight, you have freedom of action. The more you say these things and think about what you’re saying, the more you will realize that life is good. All traits could be used for good and bad. Even anger and ego could have redemptive qualities. We all have negativity, which causes u to focus on what we lack. Your focus should be on what to do to fill the lack. The more you try to fill what’s empty, then the more connected and achieved you become.

Leah wants to hear more: In your book, you mentioned that the message of the yetzer hara is always in the negative. The following is quoted from your book:

*I don’t have a spouse, so of course I’m depressed.

*I have a husband, but he’s not emotionally sensitive to me.

*I have a wife, but she doesn’t keep the house neat enough

*I don’t have children, so I can’t get on with my life

*I have children, but they have learning disabilities.

*My child needs to get accepted into a good college

*My daughter needs to get married

*I don’t have enough money to buy a house

*I  have a house, but it’s too small

*The house is big enough, but it needs a new kitchen

*The house is too big for me to clean myself, so I need household help

*I don’t have a job which pays enough

*I have a lucrative job, but don’t have the kind of boss I need

Can you give us some battle plans to help us with these messages?

Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb ends off: Who should I be in this circumstance? It’s about being, not about having! In one of the great ethical works, Ohr HaTzadikim, in the chapter of the Gate of Simcha, the author states the following: Abraham asked G-d for the appearance of old age. If you’ve done something with your life, you want to look different and develop a sense of an enduring self, not just of being a body. If G-d wanted the body to last forever and always be perfect, He could have done this. G-d wants people to deal with their own mortality. People in earlier times used to die suddenly. Illness allows people to let go of this world and realize that things are coming to an end and not be shocked by mortality. People also need illness, which doesn’t lead to death, such as colds or broken bones, to make us realize the fragility of being human. We must realize the intricacy of the human body, which should lead us to take care of it, as we would any other valuable gift. Realize that aging, illness, and death are part of the package. G-d takes us through all the life situations as part of the package of life, so we could become the person we want to be. It’s time to become that person!