Question #1: My husband has been out of a job for a while. Obviously, with Covid-19, he’s been having a harder time finding a job. My husband is trying, but I feel guilty because you taught that when a wife receives, the blessings will come into her home. As a wife, I have been trying to receive, and I’m wondering why the blessings aren’t coming.
Answer: Our tradition teaches that the husband is the giver and the wife is the receiver. All blessings come from G-d to the husband and then to the wife. The amount the husband is able to bring in is dependent on how much his wife is able to receive. If the wife is a tiny receiver, the husband will only be able to bring in a small amount. If the wife is a large receiver, the husband will be able to bring in a large amount. The wife needs to be the biggest receiver she can possibly be. No matter what her husband does, she should thank him! Here’s how it works: G-d gives something to the husband, and if the wife doesn’t receive it, the husband is still holding it and so his arms are still full. If the wife receives it, the husband‘s hands are empty, so he can receive more to give. Some of the blessings which are guaranteed to come into the home are: health, happiness, money, children doing better in school, no auto tickets. By the wife rejecting her husband‘s compliments, she is not receiving and is rejecting her husband and his gifts. If her husband gives something to his wife which is really not to her liking, she can (not often) ask him if he wouldn’t mind if she exchanged it, but she must say that the thought of this gift made her so happy. We should all aim to notice every instance when our husbands do something for us!
Question #2: I remember learning that if a husband respects his wife, that blessings and riches will come into his life. Is this a promise for both the husband and the wife?
Answer: There are 2 gemoras that explain this, and they are not contradictory. It has been said that the wife is the holder of blessing in the home, but that the husband is the source of the blessing. I questioned R. Asher Weiss about this and he explained that the husband is the conduit for blessing. The husband holds the blessing and if his wife receives it and actualizes it, she will bring it to fruition. The husband does need to respect his wife. However, if the wife struggles to receive it and does try hard to, blessings will come into the home. By taking care of her husband, it will help the husband to respect his wife more. As wives, we need to realize how much of our future is in our control, just by fulfilling the receiving aspect. There are mixed messages from society about women being independent. We don’t realize how much power there is in a wife being the receiver and it builds a deep need in her to be given gifts from her husband and to receive from him.
Question #3: My husband really makes an effort to appreciate me. However, I get the same “thank you” for cooking a four-course dinner party, as I would for bringing him a cup of water, which makes me hold back from giving more to him. My husband doesn’t realize that he could receive so much more from me.
Answer: Women have a bottomless pit and an empty bucket of appreciation and they don’t even realize it. It is perfectly fine for a woman to solicit appreciation from her husband. The wife has the power to get what she needs when she needs it!
Question #4: In marriage, how does someone become an empowered receiver?
Answer: The first five-10 times of being the receiver are hard since one hasn’t seen the benefits yet. After that, the marriage has changed, since deep needs are being met and blessings are seen. Additionally, there is a deep spiritual mystical element added when a husband is “allowed” to give to his wife, by her receiving from him. Equality in the workplace is important. However, in the home, the equation is not about equality, it’s how much peace there is in the home. The resentment and the upset about the wife being the receiver is both external from society and it’s an internal pull as well. Keep trying and eventually this wife will see some sweetness there, which will make her realize how much she’s getting. We must all become the best receivers we can possibly be!
Question #5: I work hard and have tried to solicit appreciation from my husband. He says it feels unnatural for him and that he just can’t. How can I accept that, especially since this is the top thing which is important to me?
Answer: This wife must do a massive sales job on her husband since she can’t live without appreciation. By understanding her husband‘s personality, she can either choose to write him a note about this one important need she has or she can ask him to please feel unnatural to communicate appreciation to her. This wife needs to reach into her husband‘s heart and convince him that he’ll get so much out of meeting her need for appreciation. A wife has so much power to get her needs met. It may need constant reinforcement, and she can possibly reward her husband with homemade desserts. This is deep, but there could even be a part of this wife who wants her husband to not appreciate her so she can resent him. If one grew up with a tough childhood or with the habits of parents who weren’t there for each other, one could be more drawn to the familiarity of that pain than to the desire of getting these needs met. A wife can sabotage herself in this area. It’s a deeply emotional aspect to analyze, but understanding oneself better is an important job. By introspecting to see what dynamic this wife could be creating, it might be possible to realize that she herself is causing her husband not to appreciate her, so she can hold onto that built-up resentment.
Question #6: Much has been said about date night. Is it problematic if a wife wants or needs to go away for several days (nights included) by herself, without her husband?
Answer: There are many sources that talk about a wife’s interaction with friends. Friends may be more successful in showing more empathy in areas where the husband may not be able to. However, there are boundaries. 3-4 days with girlfriends seems excessive. If she just needs space, perhaps 1-2 days seems fine. It may even be better to take 2 hours a week to go to lunch with her friends. This wife needs to reassure her husband that her need has nothing to do with their marriage, but that she just needs some space. People sometimes go away and don’t feel refreshed, while others do. The least amount of time which she can get away with, the better. Less time more often is better than huge chunks of time.
Question #7: When I get mad at my husband, I’m able to hide it and pretend I’m fine. I realize that’s a high level, but it does bring me and our relationship down. Though it doesn’t last too long, these instances do add up. Since I’m the only one that knows this, I am wondering if it’s better for me to share my upsets with my husband?
Answer: This wife has just designed the exact recipe for resentment since the lingering feeling remains. Because the wife has built up muscles of self-mastery, she has more control over her mouth. However, let’s say the issue is that the husband didn’t do what he said he would, such as changing the lightbulb. She needs to figure out a way to communicate that to her husband in the most beautiful and effective way possible. If the wife doesn’t work on communication, she just has contained rage. The wife can even say, “I’m proud of myself because I don’t answer, but it sometimes does hurt my feelings,” and she can elaborate in a nice way.
Question #8: Due to our different natures, I’m the one who always gives in to please my husband all these years. I have always compromised and not made a big deal out of anything. However, after all these years, I am starting to see that though this is very nice for him, I’m not happy about myself. I started to speak up, but my husband thinks I am no longer pleasant and have suddenly started having issues.
Answer: It sounds like a good evolution in this wife that she started speaking up. Maybe the wife felt like a doormat or had deep resentments before she spoke up. The issue may be how the wife speaks up. The wife can perhaps say that she is not necessarily changing, but that she has resentments building. The wife could say that she is now more aware of what her needs are, even though she gave in a lot in the past. The wife should explain that it has nothing to do with their marriage, but that she now needs a voice instead of squelching it and that it would be more healthy for both of them. She might ask her husband if he could help her to work on this. The wife can further explain that she wanted to be a good wife, but she didn’t realize that being a good wife was about expressing herself better. If a wife explains this from her heart, her husband will hear it, even though he may not be used to it. Hopefully, her husband, with lots of praise and support, will understand that it’s her problem and will work together with his wife to solve it.
Question #9: When my husband and I spend time together, there’s nothing left to talk about since we text, email, and phone each other throughout the day. Is it better not to communicate during the day and save up all our correspondence for a meaningful slot of time?
Answer: That’s a wonderful problem to have! That’s a good question for the wife to ask her husband. She could say, “I love talking to you, I feel loved and taken care of and I feel like we’re going through the day together and it’s a pleasure, but we’ve already said everything by the time we get together.” The husband may have taken advice and could think he’s being a good husband by calling his wife all day. If it feels sweet, don’t rock the boat. The wife can keep a list of things to talk about with her husband. There is nothing wrong with silence, even though it may feel less vibrant. Sometimes a husband looks to the wife to bring vitality to the marriage. Sitting in a car and watching the scenery is beautiful. Clipping articles and discussing interests can add spice and pleasure to the marriage.
Question #10: My husband said a few things that were so hurtful to me over 10 years ago. One of the things he said was, “What do you do all day” when we ran out of apples in the house. It stings still at times, and I think about it all these years later, especially when we’re low on apples. I shouldn’t have let it pass without clearing the air a long time ago. Is it inappropriate to bring it up all these years later? If I will bring it up, I run the risk of my husband thinking I hold deep grudges.
Answer: It’s understandable and meritorious that this wife hasn’t said something all those years. It’s not if she says it, it’s how she says it. The wife might say, “I try not to be the kind of person who bears grudges. Something happened 10 years ago and you may think I’m ridiculous and may not even remember it. Somehow it stuck with me, but a simple apology from you would be so helpful to me. I tried to forget it and I keep being reminded of it. It has nothing to do with our marriage, and I love you so much. It hurt more than I realized and I shouldn’t have let it hurt me, but it did.” The wife should be prepared since it could open the door for the husband to bring up something which hurt him. Be strong and prepare to apologize to your husband for something.
Question #11: My husband has a job with a nice income. I feel he could do more. Should I be pushing him to excel?
Answer: The word, “Push” is a bad word. Pushing your husband will backfire. You want to draw your husband in and not manipulate him. The issue is that when your husband brings his income home, have you as his wife received it properly? Have you fully shown your husband appreciation for what he has already brought home? The wife needs to thank her husband for working hard for supporting her and the whole family so well. The more you appreciate what your husband already brings in, the more blessings G-d will give your husband to continue. It works the same way with G-d. A wife needs to work on becoming a bigger receiver!
Homework: Thank your husband for something he did for you this week.
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Dear Leah,
I so appreciate your wisdom and wonderful enthusiasm in the marriage relationships!! Baruch HaShem for all you are doing and I am so grateful for the gifts that HaKodesh Baruch Hu has given to you and for how you are using them so beautifully to help all who are benefiting so much from them!! May you be blessed with continued great success and blessing, hatzlacha raba for all you are doing to help the marriages and relationships for Klal Yisroel be great!! Thank you for doing it with such joy and enthusiasm and clarity, making it so easy, and inspiring for all of us to put into practice all we are learning. Thank you thank you and sending you much love
Chodesh Tov!
Debbie