Question: My husband has a better relationship with our teenage children. I know it’s silly and that we’re a team, but I’m jealous that he has all the fun, while I have all the aggravation.

Leah: You are not alone and we all feel that from time to time. The wife nurtured everyone and created the environment for the husband to have a positive relationship with the children. The problem is sourced from understanding the role of women in creating the environment. Women are geniuses at creating a nurturing home. Another marriage problem is that this wife is not getting enough appreciation. When a wife sees her husband bonding with the children and getting all the enjoyment, if a wife receives words of appreciation, she will not be jealous. G-d gave women bottomless pits of appreciation, and G-d made men inept of giving enough appreciation. This wife may need to solicit appreciation for herself to reap joy.

Question: My husband sabotages my discipline and I feel belittled in front of the children. What steps can I take to rectify this?

Leah: That stems from your husband’s desire to connect with the children, although I’m not sure what’s going on in this relationship. The fix is in communication. G-d gave husbands and wives differences in traits, and yet He gave us the task of raising children together! Women are convinced their way is the right way, but if they’re so sure, why would G-d give a couple 2 different ways of handling the same situation? A piece of advice is that when your husband says something to the children which you disagree with, don’t interrupt him at the moment he says it. Approach your husband later & in private. You can say to your husband that you both have different parenting styles which may send mixed messages to the children. Rather than being angry at your husband, you may want to ask him how he thinks you should handle your differences. Always be gentle in your discussions with your husband.

Question: My husband embarrasses me when we’re in public settings. What is the best way to handle my hurt feelings?

Leah: If you have been laughing at your husband’s jokes until now, he has been getting mixed messages. He’s getting laughs at your expense. I don’t often recommend this, but my gut is to perhaps tell a very close buddy or Rabbi, someone whom you’re positive won’t betray you by telling your husband it was your suggestion. If this is not possible, talk to your husband in a private setting and do not blame him for this. Tell your husband that you think he’s an amazingly funny human being and that you don’t want to squelch that, but that sometimes you feel embarrassed when he mentions you in public. Tell your husband that you don’t know how to solve it, and that maybe he can. Tell your husband that you feel so proud of him when he talks in public. Even though what he says hurts your feelings, explain that you know that’s not his intention. If you try to solve it right away, it may not work, but time has a wonderful way to get your husband to understand you.

Question: My husband drinks at events and he becomes someone I’m not proud of. How do I bring pride and respect back into our home?

Leah: The marital problem here is deeper. If it’s a substance abuse issue, you need outside help. If the drinking is just a little out of hand and you feel your husband is unfiltered, then let’s talk about that. The trend of wives is to set expectations very high for their husbands. A wife needs to wipe out from her thoughts that she can’t be proud of her husband because that’s a recipe for disaster. You can talk with your husband and shower him with compliments. You can say, “You’re thoughtful, you’re fun, you’re quick to compliment me, but there’s one thing I’m not sure how to handle.” Tell your husband that you would never want to do anything which would make him feel unsafe, and then put the problem in your husband’s hands and ask if you can discuss this in 2 more weeks.

Question: My husband brings me flowers on Friday afternoons, but I’d rather him help with jobs in the home, which he never does. Also, what should I do if my husband complains about my cooking but never offers to help cook?

Leah: By your husband bringing you flowers, he is taking the path of low resistance. What your husband is doing is parking the car and buying flowers, instead of scrubbing the floors. Fridays are busy. I’m not on the call with this wife, so I don’t know if she works full time and if her husband works full time. Depending on the work hours they each put in, the dynamic changes. This wife can have a conversation with her husband about dividing some chores up and explaining that she’s frazzled. Can the wife ask her husband for a solution? When this husband hands his wife the flowers, he thinks he is giving her something she wants. If the husband criticizes the wife’s cooking abilities, she may need to learn to cook better. Another possibility for this wife is to have a conversation and let her husband see her pain. She could give her husband a job, perhaps setting the table. If this wife needs more help and the husband is unwilling to help, then perhaps get a housekeeper. Logistical clarity is needed.

Question: I’ve been married 15 years. As a young wife, I did so much kindness for my husband. After all these years, these kindnesses have become expectations which my husband has of me. It’s not possible for me to continue this, nor do I want to!

Leah: Don’t regret spoiling your husband and try to keep it up as much as you possibly can! By your husband expecting this, that’s an issue of communication. If this wife feels she cannot continue doing all these kindnesses for her husband, she can explain how exhausted she is raising the children or even being pregnant. She can express how sorry she is that she can’t continue to do all these things for her husband and explain how glad she is that she was able to do it while she could!

Question: My husband thinks he’s doing me a favor by going grocery shopping for me, but he does not keep to our budget. He buys things without checking the prices and also buys high-end groceries which I would never buy. I shop carefully and use coupons. I would like to be able to enjoy the treat of going out for dinner sometimes, and we could probably manage if not for my husband’s shopping habits. I need a break and I’m resentful.

Leah: I will say something which will be hard for this wife to hear. When your husband is at the grocery store and is overspending, that is the husband giving to his wife. Anytime the wife is upset at how her husband is giving to her, it will decrease the amount he gives to her. The wife is shutting off blessings coming into the home and their income will shrink if the wife doesn’t receive them properly. If the wife receives everything with an open heart that her husband buys for her and if she thanks him properly, this couple will be going out to dinner twice a week! The wife must see herself as a receiver. G-d is able to do anything and it’s all dependent on the wife’s ability to receive. If the husband brings back a jar of $9.00 olives, she can comment on how special they look and that she wants to save them for Shabbos. If the wife receives appreciatively, G-d will give more and more blessings will come into their home!