How To FINALLY Get Your Husband To Change

It’s time to welcome our esteemed guest expert, Rabbi Benzion Shafier, founder of “The Shmooze”, author of numerous books, Rebbe for 15 years and sought-after speaker. Rabbi Shafier can be viewed on www.theshmooze.com. Let’s get ready to hear the answer to a wife’s age-old question: How do I get my husband to change?

When You Try To Change Your Husband, You Just Damage Your Relationship!

Rabbi Shafier begins: When I teach my marriage seminars, I distribute a paper and ask the participants to respond truthfully to one question: If you could change one thing which would radically improve your marriage, what would it be? I know exactly what the answer will be since it’s always the same — to change something about their spouse! What so many married couples don’t recognize is that when you try to change your husband, you don’t change him, you just damage your relationship!

How do you change your husband? The answer is You don’t! Stop trying to change him; It doesn’t work. When you try to change your husband, you’re sending him the message that he’s not good enough and is not respected by you. If you want to change your husband, think about what you can do to be a better wife. I’ve found over the years that most couples after 20 years of marriage will usually reach a better plateau simply because the wife gives up trying to change her husband! The reason she gave up trying is that she saw it hadn’t been successful for all those years. Once she stops trying to change him, the amazing thing is that her husband is now more motivated to change!

“The Relationship Changed, & He Was More Motivated To Please Her”

There is a story of a wife who was bothered that her husband hung his jacket on the chair for 20 years and she felt if he loved and cared about her, he would put it away. After she attended a marriage class, when her husband hung his jacket on the chair, she put it away for him without saying anything. The wife realized it was not worth getting worked up over it since her husband would not change anyway. She realized that her husband’s nature and temperament is different than hers and if she wanted a good marriage, she needed to overlook some flaws, just as he overlooked her flaws. The relationship changed, and he was more motivated to please her and then became a better and more caring husband. Whatever face we put in the mirror, we get back that emotion. If you constantly tell your husband that he’s not good, he will pull away and will not change. When the wife stops trying to change her husband, he will be much more motivated to please her and they will have a better marriage.

Sarit wanted to know: Most wives think of their husbands as just another child whom they need to teach and guide. If your husband hasn’t been taught correctly by his mother, isn’t it incumbent on a wife to guide him?
Rabbi Shafier responds: When you act like your husband’s mother and train him, he will look at you like his mother. If the wife succeeds with this method, their marriage has failed. When you decide to be your husband’s educator, you’ve stepped out of your role as his wife and damage is done. If your spouse has a shortcoming, look in the mirror and say, “I’m perfect without flaws and shortcomings.” 😜Whatever you have to say about your husband, he has what to say about you! All husbands and wives have strengths and weaknesses. So stop trying to change him. The only one you can change is yourself!

A social media fan wanted to know: How can you not feel like a shmatta (a lowly rag) when you put away all the things your husband failed to put away?

Wives Get Worked Up Ruminating About Issues, Which Destroys A Lot Of Marriages

Rabbi Shafier answers: Your job is not to change your husband; negotiate with him and find a solution to this problem. The wife has needs, the husband has a nature, and it’s likely he won’t change. Advocate to get as much cleaning help as you can. The problem is not the issue, it’s your attitude towards the issue. Wives get worked up ruminating about issues, which destroys lots of marriages. Understand your husband does annoying things because that’s how he is. You also have an area which annoys your husband. I ask women if they’re at their ideal weight. Most women think they’re overweight. However, Weight Watchers gives a step-by-step easy plan. Just do it! I sometimes say I don’t understand why people can’t listen to that plan. Change is difficult. We have areas we can change and areas which are much harder. For example, if you’re neat, you can’t understand why your husband can’t put his clothes or his dirty dishes where they belong. Diet is also in our control and yet we struggle to lose weight. Changing our husband is the same thing.

Leah asked: Why are wives so driven to get their husbands to change?

Rabbi Shafier responds: Wives are kind and nurturing. Relationships are different for men and women. For a woman, it’s her nature to offer advice to a friend to correct her and give her new ideas. For a man, if he’s changing a tire and his friend comes along and gives unsolicited advice, it’s insulting. What the wife is doing comes from goodness, but it is offensive to her husband. Across the gender divide, advice can become ill-received. The wife thinks if she doesn’t advise her husband, who will? You can have a happy marriage with a flawed husband or a miserable marriage with a flawed husband. You’re not going to change your husband.

You Can Bond And Connect With A Loving Husband Who Has A Flaw

A question is broached from a fan: Wives are considered an ezer kenegdo (a helpmate opposite him). We’re supposed to change our husbands, aren’t we?
Rabbi Shafier acknowledges: Ezer Kenegdo does not mean to change your husband; it means to support him! Once you understand this, your husband will become a mentsh (good person). You can bond and connect with a loving husband who has a flaw. Yes, you should put his dishes away and your husband will also compensate for your flaws, such as if you bounce a check. The reason overlooking flaws becomes unmanageable is due to attitude. It’s not the end of the world if it’s not your husband’s nature to put away his things.

Sarit sadly pointed out: I wish there was a way we could correct this before marriage. Brides have many expectations and it goes downhill from there. Why is it that women can get along with other women so easily, such as having roommates, yet, when it comes to their husbands they encounter such conflict?

Men And Women Have Different Temperaments And Needs

Rabbi Shafier: You had friends, but you never shared the same level of intimacy with them as you do with a spouse, whom you share everything with. Marriage meshes two worlds together. Men and women are vastly different. Only being married can educate us of what marriage is about! Men and women have different temperaments and needs. What a wife feels or experiences is not what a husband feels or experiences. We think we can change our husbands and make them behave more like us, but we cannot make our husbands into women.

A Torah Anytime viewer wants to know: How do you live with your husband without changing him if he drives you crazy?
Rabbi Shafier responses: If it’s an intolerable situation, negotiate a solution. Whatever the issue is, husbands have a nature and wives cannot change them. Work together. The only reason it’s intolerable for you is because you cannot change him!

Leah weighs in: I have a student whose husband has a temper issue. The anger outbursts are intolerable for the wife. The wife cannot change her husband’s behavior and the husband cannot change himself. What is the wife supposed to do?

We Are So Aware Of Our Husbands’ Flaws And We Stop Seeing The Diamonds

Rabbi Shafier answers: They need outside help, such as anger management or marriage counseling. There are also irreconcilable differences which couples can have, such as the wife having allergies and needing to live somewhere but the husband cannot move his business. 70% of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference and we must be able to agree to a mentor whom you both agree to, such as a marriage counselor or clergy, to help resolve tough issues when they occur. We become experts at what our spouses do wrong. We are so aware of our husbands’ flaws and we stop seeing the diamonds.

When Someone Loves You, You Feel Good About Yourself

Leah offers another case: I know of a wife whose husband has dependability issues. Her day is so compromised and he spends his days apologizing to her.
Rabbi Shafier shares: If the husband could change, he would. My personal example is that I’m not an on-time person and it’s hard to change that. I recognize my weakness and before I pray in shul, I attend a class; this way I could be late for the class but not late for davening (praying), which is more important to be on time for. We need to find proactive ways to make life more tolerable. The wife must give up her thought that her husband comes late because he doesn’t love her. Perhaps her husband has ADD. The wife should look in the mirror and say to her reflection, “The way I speak, think, and act is perfection.” 😜Our job is to build a beautiful and harmonious family together. How does it feel to be loved and how does it feel to be forced to change? When someone loves you, you feel good about yourself. When someone wants to change you, you feel inadequate and perhaps unloved. A wife described her Shabbos table that when her husband mispronounces a word, she is quick to correct him, even with others around. The wife’s attempts to improve her husband doesn’t make him feel good about her! A wife needs to feel cherished and a husband needs to feel respected. If a husband doesn’t get respect from his wife, he won’t cherish her. The choice is to either be married happily to a husband with a flaw or be married unhappily to a husband with a flaw!

Leah shares another situation: There is a couple who moved to a new location and it’s a disaster for the wife. She is trying to get her husband to move back to where they came from. No matter what they choose, either he will be miserable or she will be miserable. She tried to change her attitude but can’t. She has learned to tolerate misery.
Rabbi Shafier responds: Get advice from someone older and wiser. Bring in a Rabbi or other clergy to assist with these tough decisions, which will arise within a marriage. When you feel trapped within your circumstances, an objective person whom you both agree to can direct you. At the beginning of a marriage, the husband and wife should agree to rely on such a person, because invariably there will be differences of opinions in a marriage.

A viewer wants to know: What if the husband is lazy and cannot be bothered with his children?

The Driving Force Of A Man Is That He Wants To Be A Hero To His Wife

Rabbi Shafier answers: Why is he like that? No one wants to be lazy or depressed, http://affectivebrain.com/?attachment_id=5774. Everyone has different energy levels and ambitions. This husband likely has a lethargic nature. The wife can either be happily married or miserably married to this husband. The driving force of a man is that he wants to be a hero to his wife. A personal example is that my wife told me our exercise room was hot and I then hired a crew to put in fans without her asking me directly. I felt amazing! If she had asked me I probably would have eventually done it but it would have been with no feelings of love.

Leah adds: If your husband gets your hints, tell him each day how grateful you are for the fans. If your husband doesn’t get your hints, you can say, “I wish an elf would drop two fans into this room.” 😂

Accept Your Husband, Embrace Him, And He Will Want To Please You

Rabbi Shafier advises: If your husband feels respected and approved of, he will be driven. The more you try to change your husband, the more that will demotivate him. Accept your husband, embrace him, and he will want to please you.

Leah wraps up with a final question: Please share with us some concluding words of wisdom.

Rabbi Shafier shares: The key to a successful marriage is the relationship of best friends who love each other. You always have to ask yourself if you’re acting as a friend in your husband’s reality. Learn each other’s emotional worlds. As a wife, you have real emotional needs, and so does your husband. A woman needs to be cherished and loved. A husband needs to feel respected. If you set out to change your husband, you’re violating your entire role by telling him he’s not good enough, and you’ll get back ugly stuff in return. In your marriage, work on bonding together and ignoring your husband’s flaws, and hopefully he will ignore your flaws. By doing this, you will develop a loving and happy marriage.

Hear more from the amazing Rabbi Shafier at TheShmuz.com!