Communicating those sticky issues can be a real challenge- enter Ladies Talk Show!
In this episode Leah continues Chapter 8 of Marriage Secrets with pages 179-181 and introduces the H.O.T. tool. It’s time to stop giving the cold shoulder and warm up to H.O.T!
Leah’s Points To Ponder:
- Whenever we’re about to open our mouths, we should think of the following three factors:
- How to say it- this can be as important as what we say. Bluntness and tone of voice can cause retaliation, so we need to think about how to bring the best results through what we say.
- Outcome desired- use our binah yeseira(female intuition) to ensure the short-term gain of being right doesn’t sacrifice the long-term gain of keeping shalom (peace).
- Timing- ask ourselves: “Is this the most productive time for discussion?” Are we both well-fed and well-rested?
- Communicating in the right way through being mindful of H.O.T can literally transform a marriage.
Viewer’s Questions:
Tamar: It’s so hard to remember in the moment how to say something- how can I remember in the moment?
Leah: It depends on what you’re saying. If it’s a sensitive issue, it needs to be planned out. Anything that can be planned, should be planned. Use your binah yeseira to find solutions and make a plan before coming to your husband.
Tehila: When I try to use H.O.T. my husband says, “Stop acting fake, I don’t like it!” Every time I try better myself he tells me that I am acting fake and gets annoyed. Help!
Leah: I would sit down with him and put the problem in his lap- listen in at 9:02 to hear how to effectively present the problem to him! If you don’t think you can have an open conversation about it, perhaps write a letter or get a third party involved.
Chana: When I try to communicate something that is bothering me that he does he gets really defensive. How do I communicate so that he won’t get defensive?
Leah: Getting defensive is a natural reaction. All bad middos (character traits) can be sourced in following natural inclination. Good middos are about controlling your natural inclination. But how you say these things is crucial. “Is it possible…” is a great way to start. G-d gave you a more defensive husband for a reason. We don’t know why but perhaps it was to teach you how to deal with it effectively. We’re not looking for him to do everything you want. The goal is closeness as closeness is more important than anything else.
Simi: If most of the time our discussions turn into bad arguments is it better to avoid the conversations while I work on giving my husband more control and letting him share more, or is it important to still have those fails while I am doing my best to improve?
Leah: It’s hard to answer without knowing specifics, but in general as you’re growing and working on all the tools we’ve discussed, everything will improve. Life is full of conflicts. Every couple has their ability to get through conflicts- listen in at 17:14 for examples which will make you groan, laugh and understand how to achieve perfect conflict resolution!
Rina: We’ve been learning so many amazing tools and while I’m so grateful, I’m also overwhelmed. I feel like shalom bayis (peace in the home) is a full-time job on its own, plus my actual job and my kids and running our lives. It feels so unattainable.
Leah: We are probably the most frenzied generation. We’re constantly multitasking and our to-do lists are never ending. If you focus and make shalom bayis the number one priority in your life, since peace is Hashem’s priority too, He will bring blessing into your home. This is a guarantee from G-d Himself. Try it at home and you will see how the frenzy decreases.
Try This At Home:
One time this week, think about how you’re going to say something. Freeze in the moment and think: Is this how I want to say this?
