I’m the only one working on this maze called marriage- and I’m officially lost!

Join Leah with guest speaker Rabbi Zev Leff as they discuss what a woman can do if her husband is not interested in working on shalom bayis or is more interested in the outside world than his own home. Friends, lose yourself in this show as you find your way to a home full of shalom.

What is the most important factor for shalom bayis?

• First, we need to define what people think shalom bayisis and what it actually is- tune in at timecode 00:28 for a fresh perspective on this!
• The word shalom doesn’t mean peace, it means perfection. Only G-d is perfect, everything else is imperfect. In order to reach perfection, it needs a group effort of many things working towards the same goal. G-d makes perfection by bringing opposites together- heaven is made from fire and water working together. The husband has his role, the wife has her role.
• There should be one goal, which is what is best for everyone. We can disagree but we’re not arguing about what’s best for me, but what’s best for all of us.

What should a woman do if she is full of resentment that her husband isn’t putting any effort in?

• There are various ways to correct negative situations. One way is to sit down and vocalize the problem and see if together you can work it out and remove the negativity.
• Maybe you need to go to a third party who can mediate and give a torahdirection to the solution or mindset. As long as both of you are interested in solving the problem and reducing the friction, there is always a way to solve anything.
• The biggest obstacle is when people are only concerned about themselves. If we’re willing to look at the bigger picture then even if we don’t get our way or get our needs taken care of immediately, in the end, everyone will gain.

How can a person grow themselves to such a level?

• Like with everything, learn first and understand what is proper. Even if you’re not doing it, learn what the goal is and be committed to it. Then it’s baby steps.
• Even if you look in the mirror and see you’re nowhere near, a person has to have a ladder. The ladder has its head in the heavens, we want to reach the ideal level of shalom bayisbut we can’t stand on the ground and wish we were there. We have to do something. So, take a small step. Tune in at timecode 09:13 for a captivating story to illustrate this.
• Give up something small for the better good of the family and then it’s contagious and before you know it, you’ll be on the next rung of that ladder.

What are some of the obstacles to shalom bayis?

• Lack of tznius. Modesty doesn’t just mean in dress. People are boisterous and looking for gratification in areas that are the antithesis of what a Jewish home should be. It’s the billboards, the magazines, social media, books. If people were to be happy with what they have within the home and not look outside the home to get pleasures, which are not in consonance with torah, they would find more gratification in being part of the family.
• People don’t appreciate the inner things within the walls of the home and look for pleasure outside of those walls. Even in ways not completely prohibited.

What can a woman do to bring her home into her husband’s focus rather than the outside world?

• Tune in at timecode 14:52 for a medrash which will show howeverything depends on the woman.
• Women have a tremendous power of persuasion to the point that when G-d gave the torah, He first spoke to the women softly and then to the men not so softly. He told Moshe to speak once in one way- softly to the women and convince them to accept the torahthen she will convince her husband and her children too. Get the women on side- they have tremendous power of persuasion.
• She may not change her husband overnight, but she might be able to slowly convince him of small steps.

What is one action a woman can do today to bring more shalom bayis into her home?

• She shouldn’t give up on what’s good for her for the sake of the family; a woman has to be able to enable her family to be givers not just takers. Sometimes she needs to give them the opportunity to give. Tune in at timecode 19:16 for a relatable example.
• If you only want to give and not take, you demean the others in the relationship because they become takers. It makes them feel worthwhile to give .
• A woman needs to know when to give in and when to take. When you can balance those two things you can engender shalom bayis.

What action can a woman take on today?

• The Rambam says a woman should honor and respect her husband more than necessary. Listen in at 21:37 to hear what is necessary and what is more than necessary. She should stand in awe of him, do what he likes and not do what he doesn’t like, look up to him like a prince and not do things he doesn’t like. Again, learn about it, have a goal and work toward it.

How does a woman encourage her husband to work on shalom bayis?

• A woman should say to her husband: “There are all kinds of mitzvos and I know you’re careful with shabbosand kashrus, this is also an area of halacho, could we sit and learn the halachos or perhaps you could find a shiur?”
• People shouldn’t give up if it seems too idealistic, work at it slowly. As people get older they mellow and are more prone to give in and change and act in a more responsible way.

Try This At Home:

Take one of the actions mentioned today and work on it this week.