I’m a patient lady but I’ve been waiting for his apology for far too long!
This Deep Dive episode is sure to have you nodding along in agreement. Join Leah as ladies share their frustration at having a husband who always forgets, says the wrong thing or just never seems to apologize! Let’s learn to get back on his team even without that apology.
Viewer’s Questions:
Shiffy: My husband has a group of friends he hangs out with frequently. At first, it didn’t bother me as much, but I see he’s waking up later and texting them a lot and I feel like he got sucked into some kind of cult. I spoke to him about how I think it’s nice he has friends and down-time but also how it’s becoming obsessive- he only told me that this is his outlet, and he’s not interested in dropping out of the friend group. I feel like we’re on a hamster wheel with no solution.
Leah: It sounds like therapy is needed here to see why he isn’t satiated with his relationship with his wife. Unusual behavior is okay if it’s not hurting someone, but if you’re feeling lonely because of it then this needs to be dealt with. A third party is needed because you’ve tried speaking to him already and if it comes from you, he may get defensive.
Gitty: What do I do when my husband does something that really hurts me and then he can’t see that it hurt me? He doesn’t even say sorry as he doesn’t feel he did anything wrong!
Leah: Timecode 05.30 will show you how to be heard and seen. Handing him the problem to solve is crucial. If it comes out softly and from your heart and it still doesn’t work, then get a third party involved.
Bracha: Every time I gently approach my husband about something that bothers me, he goes straight into defensiveness or into something that I’m doing that bothers him. It always becomes about him. I don’t feel heard at all, and I try to follow all your methods in Marriage Secrets. It seems like I always have to just apologize to him, and I get barely any apologies in return!
Leah: My question is, what does he say when you ask him this question? Because this exact question is what you need to present to him. Timecode 09:25 will show you how to express yourself and then how to duct tape yourself in a way which will get results!
Sophia: My husband says he will do things for me and then he forgets. I don’t like to remind him because I feel like, well if he truly loved me he wouldn’t keep forgetting. For example, today, he offered to do the grocery shop (and never went) and offered to wash the floor (and never did!) I know it sounds silly, but it makes me lose trust in him and not take his kind offers seriously anymore. Am I not important enough to him?
Leah: Great question, but again, have you asked him? Us women carry things in our hearts; we need to bring things to our husbands and ask him what he wants us to do. Timecode 12:32 will show you how to express yourself without making him defensive. When put to him in this way, he’s back on your team and will help figure out a workable solution.
Chavi: My husband freely shares information with his family. I’m a very private person and I’ve asked him countless times to please respect my privacy. He doesn’t share anything so major or personal, for example our summer plans or issues with the kids, but it’s the principle that he’s not taking my wishes into consideration.
Leah: Sharing personal information is definitely not okay, but is it possible that your definitions of what is considered private are different? Maybe it’s a matter of sharing your definition of privacy and trying to work out where the juxtaposition is. Come to a compromise such as anything to do with the kids is okay to share, but anything about the two of us please don’t. As long as you can have open discussions, a happy medium can certainly be found. Marriage is about compromise.
Huvi: My husband often makes jokes like “Just keep quiet, say yes and make good food,” or “Why are you talking, who gave you permission?” He is not abusive at all and purely means it as a joke, but it feels really stabbing. How do I get him to see my perspective?
Leah: It sounds like you’ve already had a conversation with him about this which is great. If the comments are being made in front of others, then it is more complicated otherwise you could simply walk away and then express your pain. If it is in front of others, then it may border on disloyalty or disrespect to highlight how he’s hurt you by walking away or expressing your pain. There’s always room to tell him that a joke is only funny if it’s funny and you are not finding this funny at all. Keep on pushing this point.
Goldy: Every day my husband comes home and falls asleep. Outwardly, I’m a compassionate wife and I give him the space to sleep (yes, I’ve read your book and that’s why!) but when I see he sleeps for most of the evening, inwardly I am bubbling with resentment and disrespect. Firstly, it’s not fair on me- I also work hard! Secondly, most of the time my kids see him, he’s sleeping. He’s a great husband and our marriage is good, but I end up feeling angry at him every single night!
Leah: Check his health and sleep patterns at night because this is not a normal sleep habit. Have compassion for that and seek medical help. If it isn’t a physical issue then maybe it’s an emotional issue and perhaps there is a lot of drama in your relationship or at work, so it’s hard for him to connect with everyone after a long day. I understand why you are resentful, but your challenge is to get on his team. Rather than be mad at him, see what you can do to make things better for him. Try to make a deal with him that he can sleep for 1 hour and then you get to wake him up. The main thing is that you are teammates.
Try This At Home:
One time this week, get on your husband’s team.
