He lied to me, and I’m supposed to forgive him?!

Join Leah for another Deep Dive as she tackles a heartrending and challenging question about living with deception and forgiving the unforgivable. It’s time to also get some clarity on uncovering our deepest needs. Ladies, listen in to let more love flow into your life.

Viewer Questions:

Henny: My husband doesn’t get up in the mornings and everything is left to me. I’ve tried speaking to him calmly, asking how we can change things, suggesting different alarm clocks, I’ve done everything kindly until now. But when I’m not feeling good and I’m still getting up with the kids whilst he lies in bed, I’m starting to feel like a witch inside.

Leah: It would need clarifying if him not getting up is linked to depression or health issues. Assuming, it’s simply down to bad routines, the biggest thing to keep in mind is not to be his policeman. It’s a recipe for misery in the home. The best thing is to hand him the problem and ask him what to do about the morning routine, expressing how difficult you’re finding it. It also makes a difference if you’re a stay-at-home mom or not. But there are often logistical solutions.

Batsheva: I’ve been married for many years, and I really want to thank you for changing my marriage- things are much calmer and kinder in the home. But one thing is that my husband tells me I ask too many things of him. I know that you speak about our wants versus needs, I was hoping you could clarify it for me?

Leah: Often, our wants and needs are enmeshed together, and we treat our husband like a vending machine. The way to decipher our needs from our wants is to write a whole long list of everything we want. It’s all in our brain and making us dissatisfied with our life, so it’s healthy to get it all out. Then go through the list and cross out whatever seems unimportant. Then circle the ones that really speak to your heart. These are your needs. Once we know our needs and get them met, we will be the happiest woman. We’ll never get this feeling from having our wants met. We can’t get our needs met if we don’t know what they are.

Ilana-Rivka: I try to take on different things I hear from The Ladies Talkshow and one thing was to serve my husband before my parents. It was a disaster! My parents got offended and my husband got upset with me and said it was unnecessary. I feel stuck in the middle!

Leah: The halacha is always to serve our husbands first. You could try explaining to your parents that it’s a halacha you just learned. It comes down to communication. Express to your husband why you want to and if he insists on serving them first, do it but at least tell him that really he’s the priority in your life.

Sarah: When I married my husband, it was kept secret that he is on medication for depression. I feel so betrayed by him and his entire family that I can’t bear being around any of them and I have zero trust for my husband. The depression is mostly kept at bay, although he does occasionally get down, but the point is that if I knew, I wouldn’t have married him. There are a lot of good qualities but whenever I try to focus on them, the distrust takes over. Can this marriage work and if so, how?

Leah: This needs guidance from a Rov. A lot of rolling the dice of life happens that we don’t understand. It’s not always tied to deception, so I understand that this is different. Firstly, your marriage can work despite the depression- this is absolutely doable, we all have challenges. The issue itself you’re big enough to handle and the marriage can be awesome. That’s one part. The deception is hugely challenging and there is a lot that needs to be worked through with communication, but it can work. Maybe you’re able to grow your compassion and understand his parent’s perspective. It’s a big ask, but perhaps you could try to become that person who can forgive, which would free up your heart. With your husband, you need to come clean with him and express how hurt you are. It could be that a heartfelt apology from him might be enough for you. The right conversation could bring you to a good place. If communication is not strong then bring in a third party. The bottom line is that there are ways to get on the other side of this and have a clean slate of closeness with your husband. Ultimately, you stood under that chuppah and this is what was meant to happen.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, forgive something that you thought was unforgivable.