I am boiling up inside…he has ridiculous expectations!
Join Leah for a Deep Dive as she answers questions about a husband who won’t apologize, a husband who calls his wife unstable, and husbands who are too demanding of their wife’s looks or time. Let’s hear about how to handle husbands who just don’t get it.
Viewer Questions::
Shira: My husband has a hard time apologizing. We’ve spoken about it calmly, and he says “I would apologize if I did something wrong.” The problem is, he never thinks he’s wrong and if he does, there’s always a “but.” I’ve noticed his parents also can’t apologize and I’m wondering if it’s too ingrained in him, and I need to learn to move on from a hurt without an apology.
Leah: Maybe there’s a way he can apologize without saying: “I’m sorry,” e.g. maybe writing it. Explain why it’s important to you without blaming him or making him get defensive.
Chana: I have a good marriage, but my husband’s need for me to look good is extreme- eye surgery, teeth whitening, wear heels even though I have bad feet, get electrolysis (but I’m pregnant,) only wear clothes in style, and exercise more (even though I’m a good weight!) I already changed my lipstick, sheitel and clothes but some of these things, I just can’t do. He tells me he doesn’t want to be looking at other women. What extent do I need to go to to make him happy?
Leah: It’s unclear if his desire for how you look is for him or other people. This comes down to a deep conversation about what’s driving him to want you to look a certain way. Show him what you’ve done to make him happy and clearly express your boundaries.
Bayla: My husband views me as sick and unstable. I consider myself very stable and I don’t have trouble in any other relationships. His mother is a superwoman who is always in a great mood and never shows emotions or opinions. So, any time I show emotion or give my opinion, he ignores it and says I’m unstable and unreasonable. When I try discussing it with him, he doesn’t respond and avoids the conversation. How can I feel heard, when he disregards me, thinking I’m unstable?
Leah: Sit down and write him a really long letter. It might start out with a lot of anger, read it through and try to remove the anger so the letter is soft and only shows your hurt. Listen in to hear what to write. This is a heavy duty issue and you shouldn’t be suffering with this. Therapy might be needed too, but start with a thorough letter expressing everything.
Jenny: My husband retired and I’m still working full time. He now spends his day texting me and expecting quick replies. I’ve explained I’m not available but he gets upset if I don’t reply. Also, when I’m not working, he wants my attention and I never feel like I have time to relax or decompress. Any suggestions while we are in very different places in our lives?
Leah: Try speaking to him about this. Place boundaries that work for you but make him feel important, e.g. tell him you’ll check your phone on every hour but that’s it. Carve out time just for you; if he knows to expect it, he won’t demand you then. He’s going through a major transition, and underneath this is him calling out for your support. Work out logistics so that you have boundaries but he feels supported.
Looking for more insight into what’s really going on behind your husband’s reactions? Be sure to check out: Why He Switches Off
Rabbi Benzion Klatzko helps you discover why men pull back, how to break through emotional shutdown, and practical ways to rebuild open communication in your marriage.
