Hannah appeared on our show about 8 months ago. She is married 19 years with 2 teenage sons (names & details have been changed to protect privacy). Her marital problem was that she spent many years building a “castle” while her husband was busy working. Due to Covid-19, Chana said her husband “crashed down her glass castle.” She raised the children for years while her husband wasn’t around and now that her husband is home, he micromanages them. Hannah is here to report if the advice she was given has helped improve her marriage.

Leah: How has your marriage been since you implemented the advice the last time you appeared on The Ladies Talkshow?

Hannah: Thank you! You told me last time that if I stand by my husband, G-d would reward me, even though it went against my instincts. I’m at a 50% success rate with my marriage since I was last on the show. I usually have the strength to just remove myself from the situation, which helps me to not say anything.

Leah: That is definitely a level! Can you give us an example (and change the details)?

Hannah: For almost two decades, my husband would work about 18 hours a day and was hardly ever home. Now he has so much energy with nowhere to go. My husband tells the children to wash their hands, clean their nails, and the children are not so young and they’re surprised. My husband seems to be making up for lost time, and he doesn’t even know his instructions to them are not age-appropriate.  Before the advice you gave me, I would interrupt my husband and give the children my own instructions, which created a conflict in my marriage. I realized if I stepped back and didn’t get involved, the children were resilient and did just fine, and also my husband and I didn’t argue. By stepping back and being an observer, I realized there was much less destruction in my marriage and family situation and my former reality wasn’t correct!

Leah: I once heard a complaint from a young lady that her father never said, “I love you” to her. It bothered her for years until she concluded that her father informed her of the weather each day so she would know how warm to dress. That was her father’s way of expressing his love to his daughter, which was the best he could do! Perhaps your husband is expressing himself in the same way when he tells your children to sit up straight, so they have good posture. Possibly deep in your children’s soul, they understand their dad loves them by how he disciplines them.

Leah: What gives you the strength to walk away when you feel your husband is being annoying?

Hannah: I still struggle with spending family time together when the conversation turns to politics, which is always. Since our time is limited in sharing meals together, it’s bothersome for me to talk politics. It’s especially challenging on Shabbos since I can’t just walk away.

Leah: Have you discussed this with your husband?

Hannah: Yes. However, he cannot stop talking about politics. My husband is very passionate about his political stance and he wants to teach the children these values.

Leah: Perhaps you can say that you want your children to know and understand his values. You can suggest talking about this topic between 2 different courses during the meal, perhaps between the soup and the fish. Also, it’s possible since your husband is so articulate about politics, that this exposes your children to critical thinking, which could help them in their future. We are guided by Chazal to give husbands more of what they like, which brings them closer, and to keep them away from anything which would recoil them. You might want to suggest reading from a new Torah book you just purchased. You can tell your husband you bought a new Torah book and ask if you can read it for 5 minutes after the fish is served. However, if your husband is not receptive, this could very well be a battle you may never win. Additionally, If you fight back and try to control your husband, it will affect your closeness. Your husband is allowed to be in control and if you let him, he will solicit your advice. When your husband talks politics at the table, he could be building a special bond with your children, and you may very well be wrong that he is annoying everyone. Why is it your purview to manage the relationship between your husband and children? Just because you don’t think the conversation should be steered to politics, it doesn’t mean you’re right. You have your relationship with your children; let your husband have his relationship with them. Never allow your children to roll their eyes at you about their father, since that would be disloyal to your husband, and if they do, tell them it’s inappropriate. Say to them later that you don’t approve of them rolling their eyes about their father because it’s not appropriate and remind them he’s your husband! Your job is to support your husband! Let’s say you, as the wife, told the same story several times, you would not want your husband correcting you about that in front of your children; you want full expression in your own home! Children are intuitive and they notice a positive shift happening in the home. If you prioritize having a happy marriage by putting your husband first, then many problems within the home and with your children will take care of themselves. Rabbi Elchanan Wasserman said that raising good children comes from 95% of having peace in the home! A father naturally has more harshness than a mother and if you disrespect your husband, then when children become teens, they will openly disrespect their father and you have ruined your greatest asset. The best thing you could do for your children is to have a great marriage. Emotional intelligence (EQ) in children comes from parents who speak well of each other. Give one compliment to your husband each day and let your children hear it! Your children are watching you and it builds them! If there’s something you disagree about, you can simply say, “Daddy feels one way and Mommy feels a different way.” It’s guaranteed to make a wife happy when she gives her husband control. There’s one king and one queen. The queen had complete influence on the king, but there are not two kings. If you let your husband rule, he will rely on you. You will see miracles in your home when you try it. The Jewish tradition teaches that the husband is the giver and the wife is the receiver. If the wife becomes the greatest receiver, the husband becomes the greatest giver, which is the secret to blessings coming into your home.

Question: Can you explain what you did to loosen your control?

Hannah: I am no longer quick to correct my husband.

Question: How did you train your mind in the moment, rather than feeling “charged?”

Hannah: 1) If I’m in a good mood, I will smile and nod & be accepting. 2) I have a mantra that the harm my husband is causing is not long-lasting and will be over in 2 hours. If I involve myself, it will be more harmful for the children 3) If I cannot do the above, I remove myself and will take a walk or read a book.

Question: How did you break the habit of trying to control your husband?

Hannah: In the moment, I said to myself that a happy marriage is more important than anything else. I also found the strength to simply walk away.

Question: There is someone in my community who puts all of her energy into helping the needy with anything they need. She told me that when she takes care of G-d’s children, G-d, in turn, takes care of her children. When you focus on having a happy marriage, G-d will take care of your children. Perfect parenting is taking care of your husband! We all need to work on ourselves when we’re not in the difficult situation of having no patience. Have a plan before a hardship strikes and implement it.