Do you ever feel like your marriage is in a rut? Is it normal? Do you just have to learn to be content with where you are?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 75-76, and answers your questions about needs, contentment, and what to do with that rut.

Tune in for the first 4 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:32!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Our husbands get lost in a sea of trying to meet our WANTS and never hit the nail on the head of meeting our NEEDS.
  • And they get burned out from trying and failing!
• Knowing what our own true NEEDS are is the ultimate factor for getting those needs met and feeling content.
  • And for giving our husbands renewed motivation for taking care of us!

Viewer Questions:

Leah (viewer): I agree my husband meeting my emotional needs would make me happier than diamonds would. But he has the empathy of a potato so he could never meet my needs.

Leah: Some people unconsciously choose a spouse that enables them to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

For example: Your parents never gave you emotional validation and you unconsciously marry someone who also isn’t good at giving emotional validation, because it’s familiar to you from your childhood.

The key is to recognize this and own it and realize this is what Hashem (G-d) gave you for whatever reason. You can either be mad and blame your husband or you can realize that there’s always something that you can do to make things better. You can sit down with your husband at a quiet time and put the problem in his lap:

“I realized that as a child I wasn’t validated by my parents and it was really hard for me. Maybe you’ve noticed how hard I work to validate our kids. This is painful to admit about myself, but I think that I’ve recreated this pattern with you and I don’t let you validate me. Can we think of ways together for you to validate me more?”

When you work on these obstacles to closeness, you will see more bracha (blessing) in your home than you could ever imagine.

Nechama: Are needs the same thing as what your love language is?

Leah: I’m not supposed to quote other books, but basically, different people respond to different acts of love. It may overlap with a need that you have but it can differ in that you may need your husband not to criticize you, and that doesn’t fit in with any of the love languages per say. You can sometimes figure out your needs by looking at what things bother you the most.

Millie: This is my second marriage, and since I’ve been divorced already, I know what to expect. I thought the second time around would be easier. I know what my mistakes were with my first marriage. I know my needs and have very minimal wants. However, I do throw the ‘D’ word (divorce) every time we argue. This really hurts my husband as this is his first marriage. I find it hard to control my mouth sometimes. What can I do to stop?

Leah: I’m so proud of you that you know it’s not the right thing to do. I have to be harsh. It is forbidden from G-d to talk about divorce unless that is 100% the only option left. It’s as forbidden as eating pork. I hope that gives you strength in stopping yourself from saying it. There’s a serenity available to you when your husband feels safe. He can’t be who you need him to be if he doesn’t feel safe. If he does, he will want to cherish and take care of you more than anything.

Naomi: How do you narrow down your needs to just 3? I think I have 5 serious needs. Is that too many for my husband to realistically be able to fulfill?

Leah: It’s kind of like picking your battles. It’s better to get 3 met fully than 5 met partially. Sometimes it’s possible to fold five into 3 depending on what they are, there may be overlap and solving one may end up solving another.

Avigayil: I once heard a short quip that stuck with me: 0% expectations, 100% desire- I feel like this means we would be more content if we focused less on having expectations of our husbands and more on desiring certain things from our husbands. Expectations can lead to being let down, but desiring can lead to growth. I’m curious what you think.

Leah: I love the part of jettisoning expectations- they are the root of unhappiness. But I wouldn’t replace it with desire, I’d replace it with gratitude. Tune in at timecode 21:36 for a story that illustrates this point!

Shira: Should we have the same Rav (rabbi) as our husband? I have a connection with my Rav from seminary who I asked my Shailos (questions) to, but now that I’m married, should I turn to my husband’s Rav instead?

Leah: My understanding is that your husband’s Rav becomes your Rav when you marry. But check with your husband’s Rav . The most important thing is that you and your husband have a Rav. If your husband doesn’t have one, use your Rav to figure out how to get him one.

Bina: Is it normal for marriages to go through ruts from time to time or does that mean we are being neglectful of our marriage?

Leah: Everything in life is cyclical- that’s normal. The important thing is that you’re working on taking care of each other well. Even if he does something so mean to you and steam is coming out of your ears, you still make him dinner and make sure he has what he needs. It takes tremendous strength, but it is our life’s work.

Try This at Home:

Do some introspection about what obstacles you have to bringing your husband closer to you.