Get Your Husband To Take Out The Trash
Today’s guest expert on the show was the “cosy and rosy” Rebbetzin Chaya Reich. Get ready to be wow’d by the insights she shares as well as captivated by her many stories.
Husband Is Out All Day Seeing Women All Dress Up, Then Comes Home To A Wife Who Is Dressed Down
Chaya Reich begins: No matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom or work outside the home, a woman gets all dressed up to go outside (or attend her Zooms), then comes home and dresses down, usually changing into old sweat clothes. Husband is out all day seeing women all dressed up, then comes home to a wife who is dressed down. It is recommended to take 5 minutes to look more presentable when it’s time to welcome your husband. Keep lipstick in your car, upstairs, and downstairs. What does that have to do with your husband taking out the trash? When you dress for success, you can be more successful in what you want done. When you ask your husband to take out the trash, you’ll get a better response if you show him a pretty face.
Words Are Powerful; They Can Build Or Destroy
Another important concept to note is that words are powerful; they can build or destroy. A young man is told that he can’t sing well and so he stopped singing forever. A young woman it told her by her art professor after showing him her painting that she should stick to accounting, and never paints again. Shlomo HaMelech said, “Death and life is in the power of the tongue.”
Storytime: A husband approached his Rabbi with the complaint that his wife is constantly criticizing him. The Rabbi told him to get wood and nails and each time he got criticized, he should hammer a nail into the wood. And so it was that he took the advice. Anytime his wife compared him to a friend’s husband, commented that he gained weight, or said his haircut was bad, he would bang away. She asked her husband why he’s banging and he told her what the Rabbi instructed him to do. She apologized and set out to change her ways. The wife asked her husband if he would take out a nail each time she complimented him and the husband agreed. The wife shared how hard it was, but with the help of a mentor, she was able to change her behavior. After all the nails were removed, she saw the wood was full of holes. The husband explained that the holes are irreparable. There are many people walking around with irreparable holes. Let’s never allow ourselves to get there!
The Most Important Thing For a Husband Is To Make His Wife Happy
Leah wanted to know: How do you patch the holes?
Chaya Reich responds: It’s really hard work and it takes a lot of change and being aware of all your words and actions. Brides sometimes say they know how to cook and make their husbands gourmet dinners, but they are not good at giving compliments. Their husbands like good food, but they need compliments more. If you don’t know how to give compliments, you need to learn! Start being positive. If you didn’t do it, just start doing it. Guilt has no place in Judaism. The most important thing for a husband is to make his wife happy. Happy wife, happy life. The problem is us; sometimes the wife doesn’t let her husband make her happy. We need to verbally thank our husbands when they do something nice for us.
Here are two tools every woman needs to have in her toolbox:
Tool #1: When you are about to say something negative, raise your right hand and cover your mouth. Once you’ve held back from saying it, take that same hand and pat yourself on the back for a “job well done”.
Tool #2: If hurtful and mean words are said, you’ve started a fire. Quickly “stop, drop” into a chair, and think, “Was this comment building my relationship?” If it’s not, then “roll” into a compliment. For example, your teen walks into the room with disheveled hair and you’re about to make a negative comment, “stop, drop into a chair, and roll into a compliment by saying, “You’re home. Great to see you today” or “You wore that shirt today–you look so nice in that!” The Chofetz Chaim said that it’s forbidden to speak badly about someone, even when everyone present knows that the information is true and they’re not hearing anything new. He quotes Rabbeinu Yona, “The correct way of behavior is to cover up others’ mistakes and to praise them for the good things they do. It is the way of fools to seek out the mistakes of others and to criticize them.” When a person gets married, they’re two neshamas (souls) and they become one neshama (soul). They wear white to signify that everything they have done before has been erased and they’re reborn as a new neshama.
“Hearing That Compliment From Her Husband Brought The Wife Back To Life”
Storytime: There is a story about a wife who after eight months of marriage invited her parents and siblings over for a Saturday night meal. She took everyone’s coffee and tea requests and proceeded to the kitchen. A sibling reminisced out loud about the time they had guests over and that same sister prepared everyone’s drinks and by the time she was ready to serve them, the guests had left.” The bride slumped over in the kitchen when she heard this story repeated. Her husband overheard this and said, “my wife is so efficient! She always accomplishes everything perfectly and that no one else can get things done as well as she can!” Hearing that compliment from her husband brought the wife back to life. She stood up straight and was able to remember everyone’s drink requests! It’s amazing what a compliment can do!
Leah added: Many wives complain that their husbands are bad drivers. Being in the driver’s seat has a different view than the passenger’s seat. It’s not that the husband is a bad driver; you changed your perspective. Many wives correct their husbands while they drive. Rather than insulting your husband, give him a compliment instead, “that was a great maneuver you just pulled off!”
A Torah Anytime viewer asked: What kind of skills can you give to remove contempt from long-term relationships?
Rebbetzin Reich responded: Contempt may or may not have anything to do with your husband. The complaint about your husband can predate you. Figure out in your head, not your heart, if there is anything you’re doing to make it worse, unless of course, your husband is very angry or abusive. Therapy may be needed.
Leah responded to this question with her take: I know a woman whose husband constantly asked her to do things and the wife was mad that she was being micromanaged. I pointed out how much energy it took for her to be mad at her husband versus just doing the task. By doing your husband’s will, he just might cut you more slack. Recognize that it probably wouldn’t take too much effort and the wife will feel empowered, instead of feeling like a victim. Even if your husband is 99% wrong and the wife is 1% wrong, examine that 1% and see if you can shift that.
The More A Wife Builds Up Her Husband, The More Motivated He Will Be
A Facebook fan wanted to know: What can you do when your husband tells you he’s going to do something and he never does? My husband says he will start a diet and health program, but it’s been so long and he hasn’t started it…and he needs it!
Rebbetzin Reich answered: The more the wife builds up her husband, the more motivated he will be. Kind, positive, & uplifting words can lift a person’s spirit and can change someone’s life for the better.
Storytime: This is a true story about a young child, whose mother sent her to a store to get an exact color of trimming (for a costume). The mother described the expert who the child should seek out as a very tall man with glasses and stressed that only this person knows how to match colors perfectly. When the child arrived at the store, she looked around and finally saw a man on a ladder who fit the description. This young girl told this man “my mother said you are the only one who knows how to match ribbon and that I shouldn’t ask anyone else in the store”. The man was surprised, but when the girl reiterated what her mother said, that this man was the expert, the man told the girl to come back and that he will have the exact color ribbon ready when he returns. The girl noticed that when the man had come down from the ladder he wasnt’ very tall at all! She realized she may have made a mistake so immediately upon returning home, she told her mother about the encounter. The mother remarked that the man she chose was just the “shlepper” (inept) and that he doesn’t know anything! The reality of the situation was that this man was actually a professional whose child was killed in a terrible terrorist attack, which he was unable to get over. He lost his job, became drunk and was basically living on the streets. His friends tried to save him by getting him the job in the ribbon store. That very day, the owners of the store had planned to fire him. As this man writes describing this incident, that day after getting the compliment from the young girl, he went through hundreds of boxes of ribbon to find the exact shade the girl wanted. After that, he went for therapy and pulled himself together, all due to a compliment that he received from a child by mistake! That’s the power of our words!
Think Of Two Compliments To Give To Two Different People
Use your women’s intuition to build up your husbands, children, and friends. Appreciate the good. Think of two compliments to give to two different people. You can even do it anonymously. If you’re always criticizing, you’re not happy. In the depths of your husband’s soul, he wants to make you happy. There are so many compliments you can give — Thank your husband for putting gas in the car, for bathing the children, for taking the garbage out, etc. If you say there’s nothing to thank your husband for, you’re not looking hard enough. Your husband is your soulmate, not your roommate. Make him feel that he is special to you!
Rebbetzin Chaya Reich is an author, kallah teacher, marriage mentor, speaker at Gateways, Torah Anytime, and Gift of Mikvah.
Rebbetzin Chaya Reich is starting a workshop called Soulmates. Call 845-208-5821 to register for the class. Her books can be accessed thru Chaya@cozyrosybooks.com and are sold on Amazon.
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