How can I forgive him if I don’t feel forgiving?!

In this episode, Leah continues Marriage Secrets with pages 280-283 and teaches us that forgiveness is an action not a feeling. She tackles questions about difficulties with judging favorably, what to do when a husband doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, and how to handle unforgiving husbands. Time for some inner serenity as you let the forgiveness flow.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

Recipe for never-fail forgiveness:

• Forgive to be forgiven- if we forgive, Hashemwill be more forgiving towards us.
• Don’t wait to feel forgiving, just act and forgive anyway.
• Verbally forgiving out loud- saying it even if we don’t feel it.
• Visualizing ourselves disposing of the resentment.
• Judging favorably and recognizing human frailty.
• Making up a story about why they did what they did.
• Looking for the good.
• Trying to recognize how the grudge is a hinderance in our marriage.

Viewer Questions:

Tova: I dream to be easy going and not feel any resentment, but I feel like it’s a part of my nature and I’m just far too uptight. How can I change this?

Leah: Get in touch with the costs of not forgiving. Some of these costs are that the grudges bring lack of closeness, there are physical manifestations of holding on to grudges, and there is a lack of inner serenity and self-mastery.

Bluma: I don’t get upset at my husband often, so when I do, I feel like I need to hold onto my anger even after my husband apologizes, just for a little while longer, so he understands what he did was a big deal, and a quick apology won’t cut it. Is this a problem?

Leah: It’s for sure a problem. It feels like you’re punishing him, squeezing it as hard as you can. Your goal should be to take time out and write down everything you would want to say. Then analyse how much you need to say each point and cross out what you can. It’s not just for peace but it’s for becoming the best you. The kinder you are to your husband the better you’ll feel, the happier Hashem will feel and the closer your husband will be to you.

Chedva: Forgive to be forgiven – this line makes me sad because my husband is the one who has a very hard time letting things go that I do. Is there anything I can do to encourage his forgiveness?

Leah: Forgive to be forgiven relates to our relationship with Hashem– when we find it hard, Hashem notices this and is more forgiving towards us. Regarding your husband being unforgiving, as you become more forgiving it will work its way into the relationship. You can also discuss this with him- timecode 11:35 will show you how to communicate your concerns about his grudges without him begrudging you for it! Just emphasize that you don’t want conflict, you want partnership.

Ruchama: When I tell myself stories to judge my husband favourably, a second voice says “who are you kidding?” It’s so hard to trick my own thoughts! How do I do this?

Leah: There are a lot of techniques and not every technique is for everybody, this might not be a good one for you, so try out a different one. The key to success in this area is to introspect and instruct yourself that you’re doing this because it’s the right thing to do regardless of your feelings.

Yakira: I definitely do not want to bear the weight of holding a grudge, but it’s something I just can’t help but feel. If I don’t act upon my feelings, is it okay that I still feel the way I do?

Leah: It’s fantastic! This is the definition of success! Your guf (body) wants something and your neshama (soul) prevails. Reward yourself and acknowledge the greatness of this.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when an emotion overwhelms you, do what you think Hashem would want from you.