What’s wrong with my husband? Why do I feel so unloved?
Join Leah for this insightful Deep Dive as she answers vulnerable questions about husbands who are too whiny, too closed or too far from who we dreamt of marrying. It’s time to get that warm feeling back and feel completely and utterly loved.
Viewer Questions:
Gitty: Please can you give me one piece of advice I can give my daughter who is getting married next week iyH.
Leah: Tell her that this is only the beginning. She should share herself, openly communicate, and listen to her husband, and after 50 years they’ll be even closer than on their beautiful wedding day.
Cara: My husband always seems to be getting man cold. He can’t cope and becomes whiney, but I just get on with it. I want to be sympathetic, and outwardly I do bring him hot drinks and let him rest, but inside I find myself yelling “My nose also gets blocked and I also get headaches- big deal!” This happens around every 2 months and I’m fed up! Why is it my job to be a kinder wife, shouldn’t it be his job to man up?
Leah: I hear the challenge, but perspective is important and realizing that some people are dealing with major devastation can help. Not to minimize this, but it may help take the sting out of it. Maybe any time he gets like this, treat yourself. Reward your guf (body) for doing something your neshoma (soul) wants to do, which is to take care of your husband,
Tzipora- Feige: I try to show my husband respect by telling the kids to ask his opinion or get permission from him. He thinks I do it so that he has the hassle of dealing with them. I’ve tried explaining that I respect and value his opinion, but he thinks I do it to make my life easier. I’m trying to respect him, but he sees it as disrespect. Should I stop?
Leah: Try asking his opinion in front of the kids, so he sees you’re not trying to turf it but that you want his opinion. Explain to him that you genuinely want his direction. It could be that he’s not able to receive respect due to low self-esteem or childhood drama. If this is the case, you may need to repeatedly tell him your motive.
Ilana-Sara: My husband has a very closed personality. We’ve been to marriage therapy, which did not help much as he says he can’t change. I’ve tried your method of coaxing appreciation out of him, but he finds it too unnatural. I need words of affirmation and appreciation, but he says he’s incapable. How can I feel loved in this relationship?
Leah: If he’s truly incapable you might need to get appreciation elsewhere and self-soothe by giving yourself affirmations or seeking it from family and friends. But don’t give up so fast. If he says he’s incapable, ask him what he is able to give you. Find a compromise of something he can give and can make you feel good. Accepting whatever he does give and allowing that to fill your appreciation bucket will help.
Sara Zissy: I understood that being a good wife is being fully dependent on our husbands because men find this feminine, and it makes them feel respected. What’s the balance between this and not losing ourselves?
Leah: Dependent means we’re not independent and we rely on our husband and need his love and approval. We are interdependent. But this doesn’t take away from being ourselves. In fact, it allows a wife to be her true self when she has who to lean on. A woman’s ability to feel safe and happy in this world is dependent on her ability to let go of control. This brings serenity.
Lizzy: I got married much later in life and settled in many ways. My husband is much shorter than me, is very introverted, and is over 10 years older than me. I was just desperate to get married. Now, I feel like I married a grandfather. I’m so full of regret, I can’t even see his good side.
Leah: I would question your own narrative- are you sure it’s true that you only married him because you were desperate? Surely there were things you saw in him. When we tell ourselves destructive narratives, we put ourselves on the path of destruction and can’t fulfil our potential. Your loneliness will be more profound than your current feelings. This marriage needs saving, your mindset needs shifting. Look at your childhood, maybe a therapist is needed. Introspect if you’re blocking closeness.
Try This At Home:
Reframe some past history that does not serve you well.
