Safety first! Be safe… or be sorry!

Join Leah as she continues Marriage Secrets with pages 237-240 and discover what to do about your husband’s anger which might be making you feel unsafe or how to remedy (dare we say) your anger which might be making your husband feel unsafe. Secure some time for yourself to listen in and bring more security into your marriage.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Our family is one of the main reasons we have been put in the world- yet we destroy our family serenity with our anger.
• We live in a world where people enjoy conflict and clashes.
• How can we control our anger if the world around us has so much toxic exposure and preaches that anger is self-expression.
• Shouting is innate- newborns shout! We are told it’s unhealthy to bottle up emotions.
• When we do show anger, things get done. It may not be nice but its effective.
• We want a home where we draw our husbands close and make our home safe, all it takes is effort.
• There is one thing we can do which will hugely impact our emotional serenity, and that is to make an internal commitment that we are going to work on our anger management.

Viewer Questions:

Sara: My husband and I seem to be having frequent arguments, and they often escalate due to his anger outbursts. How can we work on de-escalating conflicts and improving our communication?

Leah: The secret is to pre-empt these issues. We try to solve our misunderstandings during emotional outbursts. It needs to be discussed before we’re in the battlefield, when we are well rested and well fed. (I know that time of day never seems to come for us busy ladies!) Listen in at timecode 10:26 to hear how to express yourself without any boxing gloves coming out. Try to take some of the blame and plan out how to say it. Asking “What can I do to make things better?” produces a wonderful outcome.

Chaya: My husband’s anger outbursts can be unpredictable. It’s challenging for me to understand what triggers them. How can we identify the root causes and work on addressing them together? He is not interested in talking about it at all.

Leah: We need to look inward and try not to ask about other’s anger but look what we can do. Working on our own anger is a great way to encourage others to work on their anger. Identifying when we have our outbursts and examining them will help us manage anger. It might help to write a letter, timecode 17:27 will give you some tips on how to bring up his anger without bringing out his anger! But make sure to also take some of the blame and ask him for solutions.

Miriam: My husband keeps making the same mistake so even if I control my anger once, I know it’s going to come up again and I’ll fail. It makes me feel like what’s the point in changing my reaction when his action is the problem! For example, he insists on being in charge of the bills yet never pays them. I’ve tried offering to help or remind but he feels I’m putting him down. What am I supposed to do?

Leah: Don’t be your husband’s policewoman- this applies to paying the bills. Guidance from a Rabbi may be necessary. If the bills aren’t being paid, it seems like perhaps it is stressful for him, in which case, it is mysterious that he wouldn’t want your help. Perhaps the way the help is being offered may seem controlling. Or perhaps his expectations are that it’s a man’s job so a conversation might help to understand his preconceived notions.

Emma: I find that when I get angry or grumpy, I allow myself to say things because I know my husband is too sweet to say anything back. I know how unhealthy this is, but I seem to be stuck in a rut. What steps can I take to stop this cycle?

Leah: Amazing work for taking such accountability. A lot of dysfunctional patterns are from our childhood. The way to get on the other side of these is to recognize them. Often, people who act angrily don’t understand the damage this causes to themselves. Even if your husband doesn’t say anything back, it doesn’t mean it’s not affecting him or his health; there will certainly be ramifications. It causes damage to our relationship with our husband, to Hashem and to ourselves. A person’s self-esteem is dependent on their self-mastery and yelling chips away at this, and at our menuchas hanefesh (inner peace). Most importantly, an environment of terror has been created which isn’t safe for anyone. Working on this needs to become your top priority.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, when you’re about to let your anger rip, freeze and stop.