We all want to do the right thing in our marriages…but sometimes we’re just not feeling it. It can be so hard to push through!

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 76-78, and addresses this and other relatable issues from our viewers. No faking it here!

Tune in for the first 5 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 1:00!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• We need to gain clarity on which needs are most important to us and do our best to let the rest go.
• A woman can be extraordinarily happy by having only three top needs met.
• If her top 3 aren’t met, she will demand endless lists of things from her husband, trying to satisfy the emptiness she feels inside.

Viewer Questions:

Hilla: We as women are very emotional beings. Our needs are always changing- how can our husbands keep up?

Leah: Very true. Make your top 3- those will likely stay the same for at least a couple years, but swap them out if they stop being relevant. Our wants change far more than our deep top 3 needs.

Chani: I realized something I really need is for my husband to stop criticizing me. I’ve expressed this to him in so many ways, but it’s a real challenge for him because he thinks as my partner he’s supposed to help me be my best self. Is it possible for me to tune out the criticism and meet this need myself?

Leah: This is a deeper issue than him not meeting your needs. If he thinks it’s his job to criticize you so you can be your best, a little education from a Rav or therapist can help him realize that criticism is actually not the best path to helping someone grow. Explaining this logically may help.

Another thing to think about is that some people unconsciously trigger criticism from others because criticism feels familiar to them from childhood. Or we can be acting in a way that triggers our husband without our realizing it. Tune in at timecode 10:55 to hear a story illustrating this. Even if you are 100% in the right, there is always something you can do, however small. Have a conversation with him explaining how much it hurts you and put the problem in his lap. Remember that the goal is closeness.

Leah: Can’t I just get my emotional needs met by my friends?

Leah: Somewhat- speak to a friend first (assuming it’s done in a way that follows that laws of proper speech and isn’t just gossip) to get the bulk of your need met. It’s a husband’s job to take care of his wife’s emotional wellbeing. He can’t do that if you don’t share them or if you blast them at him, so you have a responsibility to transmit your feelings to him in a way that gives him an optimum chance of meeting your need.

Devorah: My husband and I used to have great communication. It seems like our lives have changed over the years…why does every discussion turn into an argument?

Leah: It sounds like he’s being argumentative with her- this could be for lots of reasons: depression, lack of respect from her, lack of her taking care of him- there is always something she can do- is she doing anything differently than before?

Devorah: I stopped complimenting him.

Leah: Your primary job is now to compliment him 10x as much as ever before. Fake it till you make it! When things get a little better, you can talk to him about how you feel like he’s pulling away from you and you want to be close, and what can you do to bring back that closeness.

Try This at Home:

One time this week, even when you don’t feel like it, take an action that brings you closer to him.