We finished Chapter 4 and you know what that means! It’s time for a Secret Wives Club Q&A episode so Leah can address all your needs about getting your needs addressed!

Viewer Questions:

Sari: Is this method helpful in dating too? My daughter is in shidduchim and has a hard time differentiating between what she wants in a husband and what she needs, but since she’s never been married, how would she really know?

Leah: I advise all singles to go through what their wants and needs are based on what they know about themselves. They should prioritize their list and narrow it down to just a few. This will help them find their spouse and help them communicate their needs to their spouse once they’re married.

Ariella: I know what I need and have communicated my needs to my husband, but he has a hard time meeting them. I think it’s because my needs are the opposite of what his needs are, so he has a hard time bringing them to fruition. Any tips?

Leah: I get this a lot from people: “When he’s upset, he needs space but when I’m upset, I need him- help!” What you need to remember is that the more a woman tries to meet her husband’s needs, the more he’ll even care about what her needs are. She needs to communicate with him about how her needs are different in a kind and CLEAR way. You will need to keep reminding him in a soft way so that he has the best chance of succeeding in meeting your needs

Nechama: My husband grew up in a house where no one treated anyone with respect and they always spoke harshly and blamed each other. My top need is to be spoken to with respect, even when we’re upset. How can I get my need met when my husband has no clue how to behave this way?

Leah: I’d like you to question if this is REALLY your top need above all else. But after a lot of introspection, you are positive that it is, you now have the challenge of recognizing that, for whatever reason, G-d gave you a husband is not able to meet your need. You can blame your husband and be the victim, or you can see how it’s a test for your growth. Maybe G-d wants you to help teach your husband how to speak respectfully using your bina yesaira (women’s intuition). Have your communications with him about it been done at an optimal time with vulnerable, soft language? Did you put the problem in his lap for him to help you resolve it as a team? Try it!

Malka: What if I’m really emotionally affected in a negative way by not receiving one of my wants? For example, it really, really bothers me when my husband forgets to take out the trash, and I get resentful every time. Him taking out the trash isn’t one of my top 3 needs. I know intellectually it’s not that big a deal, but I can’t control my emotional reaction. How do I work on myself?

Leah: The best way for something like this is to have prompts. Ask yourself what YOU can do to help it go well, rather than depending on him to remember and getting annoyed when he doesn’t. For a real-life example, tune in at time code 12:03! Remember to never, ever be  your husband’s police!

Liora: Do my top 3 needs need to just have to do with me? Or can it be something about him that I need him to change?

Leah: It can only be a need that YOU have. Needing your husband to change something that has nothing to do with you is a recipe for disaster. If you need him to change something about the way he is treating you, then a conversation needs to happen about it (see the answer to Nechama’s question above).

Kayla: In the book you said that we can’t change our husband, but we can bring out the best in them. Is this similar to how we model the people we want our children to be to them? That we can also model certain actions for our husbands? Is that correct? I truly see this effect in my own marriage- we totally feed off each other. I feel guilty for modeling negative behavior when I see my husband mimicking that behavior. Is this normal? I don’t want to bring my husband down, but of course I’m not perfect and my behavior isn’t always positive.

Leah: That was a lot of questions! The first one about modeling positive behavior is a definite no! A husband will never learn from our positive behavior alone. As for the next part of the question, unfortunately, if you behave negatively to him, he will likely give that back to you. Do the best you can to be the best person you can be. Remember that it’s a process- recognize where you are and where you want to be and as long as you’re heading up on that ladder, you’re good.

Naomi: I look at myself as a giver and being a receiver is new to me. Will working on my top 3 needs help me to be a better receiver?

Leah: It’s actually two different habits:

1)Understanding your needs and getting them met is a deep thought process to help you

       let go of your wants so your husband can meet your needs.

2)Receiving is minute-to-minute of being open to your husband giving to you and

                   thanking him for it, even when it’s hard and not done in the best way. That is how

                   bracha (blessing) enters your home!

Try This at Home:

One time this week, when your husband gives you something (a compliment, thought on his mind, a piece of advice), no matter how cluttered your life is at that moment, stop what you’re doing and receive it.