Feeling appreciated is essential-but at what cost? How do we know which strategy to choose?

Join Leah as she wraps up Chapter 7 of Marriage Secrets with pages 168-170 and ties the whole appreciation package up with a bow so you know just how to use this gift!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• The 6 strategies we learnt will take some trial and error- be patient, the results will come.
• If we demand appreciation, it won’t come, we need to solicit it gently.
• Remember, resentment is borne from lack of appreciation so it’s vital to keep an eye on our appreciation bucket.
• The biggest shift we need to make is realizing it’s our job, not his, to get the appreciation we need.

Viewer Questions:

Mira: I tried the prompt method regarding the dinner I made but it backfired because my husband didn’t like what I made and he’s a terrible liar! Now I’m scared to try it again because I was embarrassed. (We’re only married a couple months – which is why I think I was affected so strongly.)

Leah: Gotta love him for trying and hopefully over time he’ll get better. In the meantime, I would try other methods. If he’s responding in a sweet way, you can coach him what you like to hear if dinner is not to his taste. Tune in at 10:22 to hear how to be that winning coach!

Bracha: My husband and I are students and are being supported by our parents. We really don’t receive anything extra besides for what we need to live. Should we just wait to try this [gift] method when we’re working and supporting ourselves and or is it important to try it now and try to make it work?

Leah: It depends. If you are satisfied with verbal appreciation, that is enough. If the verbal methods aren’t satisfying your need for appreciation, you need to figure out how to incorporate gifts in your life. Tune in at 12:08 to hear how to incorporate gifts if this is what you truly need. Ideally, he should hand it to you directly so you’re receiving it from him (even if you pick it out). Shopping together is also a great idea as a date if that works for your husband- and you!

Kayla: My husband has become really good at showing me appreciation, but sometimes he does it in public and I get really embarrassed. It’s not an issue of tznius (modesty) but I just don’t like being the center of attention. How do I go about this without making him feel that he should stop showing me appreciation?

Leah: It can be problematic for a husband to compliment his wife in front of other people- it may make others feel bad or jealous. It needs to be balanced; parents get nachas from seeing the husband compliment his wife, but with siblings it can be tricky. You don’t know who is going through what and it might arouse negative feelings. However, you don’t want to stop the flow of appreciation. Listen in at 19:20 for the perfect example of how to handle this.

Tehilla: My husband hates surprises and can’t understand why I would want surprise gifts. He always asks what I want and all I want is a surprise! Do I just pretend that I’m happy to tell him what I want? Should I just appreciate it or should I explain to him (again!) that I prefer surprises?

Leah: That’s a paradox. I am very anti-surprises, especially for expensive things. I would start with examining your own desire for surprises and while you’re figuring this out, focus on the other appreciation strategies. Surprises don’t necessarily indicate more love.

Dassi: I told my husband about me needing more appreciation and that I will be trying some of these methods on him and he said he felt hurt and frustrated because he makes a very big effort to express his appreciation of me (he really does). I told him I’m like a bucket with a hole in it and it’s not his fault but he really just didn’t understand. What do you suggest I do? My husband is very sensitive.

Leah: It’s great that you’re both trying- you’re in a good place. It’s a matter of repetition that you appreciate all his appreciation, but a man can’t possibly always know what his wife needs. Tune in at 26:40 for an example of how to explain what you need to hear without insulting your husband.

Try This At Home:

Go through the 6 types of appreciation and try to prioritize them according to what you think will work best for you.