Estie Rand: A toxic mindset is an attitude that takes us away from our joyous, positive state.

Leah: What if one’s natural state is grumpy?

Estie Rand: A person’s default state is to have joy and positivity. A small child who falls down while learning to walk keeps getting up and trying. The child does not want to be in a stroller forever!

Leah: How do we get into a toxic mindset?

Estie Rand: Each experience we have in life leaves an impression on us. The more one repeats something, the more familiar it becomes. You are the story you tell yourself. People react differently to the same experiences. When it rains, the rain is the same for everyone, but some people think it’s dreadful while others think the rain is needed and are happy about it. The more we repeat our thoughts, the more it creates new wires in our brains and it eventually becomes a habit.

Question: What about someone who has a negative nature, even as a young child?

Estie Rand: A person can change and become conditioned in a different direction. What helps is daily gratitude exercises, books, even getting dressed up each day, and doing things that a positive person would do. When you really make an attempt to cross to the other side, at some point you will be in the middle, and just keep going & don’t give up!

Question: Tell me about your friends.

Estie Rand: When I used to be out with my friends, I told them my rules of no criticizing, no comparing, and no complaining.

Question: What if you live with someone who puts down your positivity, which makes it harder to maintain?

Estie Rand: When you step into a freezer, it’s cold and you need to bundle up. So too, layer your positivity so negativity cannot get in. I used to imagine myself wrapped in bubble wrap and the person would have to pop all the bubbles to get to me.

Here are some suggestions:

Question: How do you rid yourself of things which clutter your mind?

Estie Rand: Change the questions you ask yourself. Instead of thinking about why a particular circumstance is bad, ask what is something which is good about it. There could be both good and bad about most things, so train yourself to focus on the good. Whatever you put your focus on is where your thoughts will be. Ask yourself what is good about your marriage, about today, the weather, your boss, etc. Can you breathe? Can you see color? What in your life can you appreciate? G-d gives us more when we are grateful, in the same way that you’re more inclined to bake cookies for your children when they tell you how much they appreciate it!

Question: During Covid-19, it’s harder to look for the good, especially since certain business owners are suffering. If one is in the restaurant business or any business which has been hit hard, how can they access positivity?

Estie Rand: Perhaps this is a time for business owners to reevaluate their business model and examine how they could improve their service in the future. Do people want fully catered meals? Celebrate whatever is good in a situation.

Question: What if someone is carrying real baggage because a lot has happened in life? The person may be capable of being content for a little while, but it is short-lived.

Estie Rand: I came from a severely abusive background and I’m lucky to be alive. I’ve been working on having a positive attitude for over 20 years. A good start is to work on having gratitude. Be grateful for one thing each day, even as small as having a cup of coffee or as large as appreciating your husband. Gradually increase the number of things you are grateful for. Your past is over and your future has not yet been determined. People need to live in the present. I know that I am who I am because of what I’ve been through.

Question: How do you start taking steps to distance yourself from negative people without offending them?

Estie Rand: Many people don’t value themselves because they’re afraid of offending others.

Get out of GOOP – Good Opinion about Other People, rather than thinking about yourself. Take care of yourself!

Question: I have no way to avoid the negative people in my life and I’m afraid to be brought down by them.

Estie Rand: Be positive in your own head, even while others are negative. Think to yourself how grateful you are that you would have reacted differently than they did! Negative people can become assets since you can be grateful to them for helping you build your positive muscles! There is a Torah source which says that we have an obligation to be happy and even to smile, so we can uplift others. Your face is public property. From the time we left Egypt until we received the Torah, it took 49 days, which according to Rabbi Dessler translates into 49 levels from impurity to purity. Each step away from negativity is a step towards positivity, and vice versa. Accept you’re on a journey and be kinder to yourself. Do one positive action a day and you’ll have done 30 positive actions after a month! Do a gratitude exercise, read something positive, listen to an audio, smile. Repetitiveness leads to consistency. You won’t see instant results if you have been negative for many years. Become a giver by doing acts of kindness each day. Your whole day will change and you will be a different person when you look for kindnesses you can do for others. Do kindnesses for your husband and it will transform your marriage!

Question: Does doing Zoom with your children count as a kindness?

Estie Rand: Absolutely! Almost anything you do with your children counts as a kindness. Anything you do for your husband counts as a kindness as well.

Question: How does a person deal with the mentality of entitlement and expectation in this land of plenty?

Estie Rand: People are used to having instant gratification and so much of it! The metaphysical world is slower, as prayer sometimes takes time to get your requests fulfilled. Instant isn’t always beneficial and doesn’t always work! A microwave isn’t always the better option. If you need something right now, who says you’re right and that you really need it? All of us had something which we wanted in our lives but didn’t receive, and in hindsight, we realize that we were fortunate not to have received it! Instant gratification isn’t always good for us. We lack patience to wait, but if you don’t have it yet, it’s best for you not to have it. You either believe in G-d and that you’re here for a purpose or not. You really want it, but know that G-d loves you.

Question: In this Covid-19 climate, business is hard and financial struggles are great. How can we get rid of the negative mindset?

Estie Rand: If you’re running your own business, be aware that if you have already built it once, you can build it again! Use your experience from your past to build your future. You might choose to keep your same business or you may question if your business model matches what the world still needs. Ask yourself what new value you can provide. Life changed, so figure out how to change with it! Additionally, keep in mind how the news affects you: if you don’t watch the news, you’re uninformed and if you watch the news, you’re misinformed.

Leah: The perfect prayer is to ask G-d to please give it to you if it’s the best thing for you.

Estie Rand: I’m not saying it’s not hard, life is hard. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it.

Question: How do I provide help to my child who has a negative mindset?

Estie Rand: It’s important to accept your child’s emotions. Do not pretend that negativity doesn’t exist, but focus on the positive. Acknowledge the pain and what can be helpful. Be real with yourself and those around you. Once you empathize, ask what can be good about it. This can be helpful in a marriage as well.

Homework: Do one act of kindness each day for your husband, a family member, your child, a stranger, or for yourself. It will transform who you are!