But it’s not fair!
This show is a must listen as Leah continues Marriage Secrets, pages 286-290, and highlights the beauty of a Torah-based marriage over an equality-based marriage and helps us to get over our equality hang up once and for all. Ladies, it’s time to weigh up and choose… more equality or more blessing?
Leah’s Points To Ponder:
- Once forgiveness is granted, do not ruminate, just move on.
- List all the hurts and unresolved conflicts in your marriage, keeping it as short as possible.
- Then, cross out all those which don’t have an emotional sting and just let them go, committing never to bring them up. This is a great gift to yourself.
- Next, prioritize the remaining issues according to how they affect your daily life.
- Choose one issue to work on, preferably a smaller one. Brainstorm the best way to handle the issue; perhaps a discussion or a letter might help.
- “Lump cleaning” conversations should be done at predetermined times.
- Talk slowly without raising your voice- keep the goal of harmony in mind.
- Over a few months your slate will be clean and at this point it is easier to recognize new resentments in order to tackle them immediately, so they don’t build up.
- Serenity is now within reach.
Viewer Questions:
Bracha: I find that when I journal, it makes me regurgitate all the hurts and perhaps I’m better off just forgetting about it. Is this bottling up though?
Leah: The issue is if you don’t, it’s just floating in your head. If you’re journaling in order to get closer with your husband- maybe write on the top of each page that this is in order to get closer- then it can only be beneficial. There is nothing like having a relationship with your husband with nothing in the way. Wives carrying resentments have a block in closeness and their husbands feel they can’t make their wife happy, which causes a blockage.
Galya: I have really worked on myself and have come to a place where over time I really forgive everything my husband does that bothers me. I thought my husband would automatically do those things less because I don’t bother him about them anymore… He’s doing those things more and more! Help!
Leah: First of all, reward yourself for the great forgiveness work you’re doing. Now due to your self-mastery, you have a wonderful opportunity to plan ahead how you’ll communicate this. Most people do it in the moment. Listen in at timecode 12:58 to hear how to brainstorm creative ideas to get through to your husband, minus the heavy emotion. You could also express how important it is to you and put the problem in his lap to help you find a solution.
Shoshana: I’m still hung up on the idea of fairness in my marriage even though I’ve listened to all your classes about how there is no such thing as fairness and equality in a marriage. Because of this I just get so easily resentful. How can I get over this ridiculous idea?
Leah: We are all trying to shift from an equality-based marriage to a Torah-based marriage. We were raised in an environment of equality and it’s hard to make the shift so don’t be hard on yourself for feeling like this. But it’s not just about doing what’s right, there is so much in it for you- closeness, satisfaction, a husband who cleaves to you, and brocha (blessing) pouring into your home. Hopefully this realization will give you more koach (strength) to continue with this growth.
Try This At Home:
One time this week, when you’re filled with a feeling of it’s not fair, freeze and think would I rather have equality or brocha?
