Instead of insulting me, why can’t he appreciate me?
Join Leah for another Deep Dive as she addresses questions about husbands who make insulting comments, wives who resent their husbands and what to do when a challenge drives a couple apart. It’s time for the insults to decrease and closeness to increase!
Viewer’s Questions:
Suri: I like things to look neat and my husband just tells me I’m a perfectionist. Why can’t he appreciate what I do for the home instead of making me feel badly about it? Should I just stop looking after the home and maybe then he’ll appreciate me more?
Leah: At a quiet moment, not in the heat of the moment, try to sell him on the idea of you being a perfectionist. Express how hurtful it is when he calls you a perfectionist in a derogatory way and ask him to take your bad with your good. Just keep things soft.
Shayna: My husband often says that I’m not a very good wife and I don’t run the home so well. Is he emotionally abusive?
Leah: What do you say to him when he says that? You need to ask him why he says it and make sure he knows how hurtful it is. If he’s apologetic then it’s not emotionally abusive, even if he slips up and does it again. For now, what you need to do is communicate this issue in a way he can hear you.
Gavriella: My husband made me move back from Eretz Yisroel to America. I’m so miserable and I resent him so much for it. How can I stop hating him for changing my life for the worse?
Leah: This gets into a deep issue because the truth is that you have no right to hate him, but an obligation to love him regardless of how you feel. A man can decide where to bring his family to and it’s our obligation to follow. You have a voice but there is only one king in the household. It’s hard to hear but if you make him the king, your life will get better every single day. If you can forgive and give in, there will be so much brocha (blessing). I hear your pain, it’s a huge adjustment and it’s hard to live with this. But if you can let this go and say it’s not your husband’s fault for bringing you back but it was Hashem’s will, this may ease the pain in your heart.
Kayla: My husband takes weeks to get over an illness, sometimes I feel like he is faking it. How do I have more compassion with him when I keep going even when I am so sick?
Leah: I hear. This is a hard one because it’s almost unsolvable. I would suggest putting a few dollars away each week so that when he comes down with an illness, you have money to spend on yourself. This is how men are, it is very frustrating but there is no way to change him. So just make sure you’re looking after yourself. Keep in mind that if a person doesn’t get enough sympathy when they’re not feeling good, they try to grab more. Try to also understand how things were when he was sick as a child, maybe he was ignored so he has a deficit, in which case you can help his healing. Timecode 16:14 will show you how to bring out that vulnerable part to him if there is childhood trauma.
Tzippy: We are struggling with infertility, and we have tried many interventions, gone to Rabbanim to get brachos, segulos and everything else recommended by the doctors. I’m getting worn out and feel like my husband and I are starting to argue more over the stress of all of it; it feels like we are becoming increasingly further apart. How do we connect over this huge stress in our life?
Leah: The decree from shamayim (heaven) is that this is how it is meant to be. In the face of any conflict in marriage, we can always be sure that Hashem wants us to keep shalom bayis no matter what. Who are we going to be in the face of whatever Hashem deals to us? If we work hard at keeping closeness strong, the outside circumstances are more manageable. We need to ask ourselves what can I do to bring my husband closer throughout this difficulty? In your case, you also have the physical aspect of so many hormones which your husband probably doesn’t understand. It’s good you notice there is a distance growing but there is always something a wife can do. It might be as simple as talking; timecode 22:31 will show you the epitome of how words from the heart can enter the heart. A third party might be helpful. Often difficulties can bring us closer together.
Try This At Home:
One time this week, do something to bring your husband closer.