WHAT IS HE DOING?!
Don’t miss this Deep Dive with Leah as she answers questions about husbands who look at things they shouldn’t or stay up later than they should. She discusses what to do with husbands who don’t share with wives or wives who are scared to share with husbands. This goes deep ladies, tune in to hear how to handle such breaches of emotional trust.
Viewer Questions:
Rachel: My husband and I don’t have much to talk about. But when he’s with his friends, he talks loads. It hurts me that he doesn’t share with me the way he does with them. How can I fix this and encourage him to open up more with me?
Leah: Perhaps he gets a lot of positive feedback from others, is it possible you’re shutting him down? Speak to him about this and ask if there is anything you can do better to help him share more. Also, try listening more and asking more questions- this leads to immense closeness.
Sarit: My husband and I disagree on enforcing certain rules. For example, he’s strict about the kids not jumping on the bed but as he’s hardly home, he says it’s okay if I don’t enforce it. Is this ok to do?
Leah: There’s something very powerful kids learn when their mother takes their father’s words and wishes so seriously. If he really doesn’t mind, you could mention to the kids that Daddy doesn’t mind as much when he’s not home, so it doesn’t seem like you’re contradicting him.
Tzippy: My husband is looking at inappropriate things on his phone. He refuses to go to a Rov as insists he got a filter but I know that he didn’t because I caught him. I love him and also hate him. I don’t know what to do.
Leah: You need to speak to an expert. This is so painful and complex, and unfortunately so common, but it needs professional help. With correct guidance, there is hope for the marriage.
Ilana: I constantly have to walk on eggshells with my husband to avoid explosions. He is not interested in speaking about it. How can I get him to be open to speaking about it?
Leah: Take note of when he explodes and try to pinpoint patterns. Perhaps he is feeling blamed or attacked, or maybe he’s simply hungry or stressed. There is a certain flow in relationships and sometimes, altering our actions can alter his reactions.
Chaya Rochel: I am reading your book 21 Days to An Awesome Marriage and working on prioritizing my husband. Is there a point where it is overboard and I need to take my needs into account?
Leah: You should always be taking your needs into account, together with meeting your husband’s needs. It’s a balance, that’s why G-d gave us bina yeseira (female intuition) because we can balance that. First, understand your own needs, then you can get them met, and find that balance so you can excel in meeting his needs too.
Brochie: I love my husband’s assertiveness and leader type personality however sometimes he is just too rough and tough and I don’t think he’ll ever soften up- do I just accept this as my fate?
Leah: Isn’t that a man? What would you want differently? If it goes into meanness then this needs a serious conversation, but if it’s not too harsh, then you wouldn’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. A man’s opinion of himself is whatever his wife’s opinion of him is. If you see his roughness as manly, so will he, if you see it as bully-like, he will pick up on this.
Hannah: I want to have an open home and lots of guests but my husband is quiet and uncomfortable with this. It’s so important to me, I wish he would come on board. Do I need to accept that this is him or can I try to push it?
Leah: Compromise on something that would work for him, it might not be a whole crowd but maybe one family he would be okay with. Also, maybe certain weeks are more stressful in his life, and he wants down-time, so pick your timing. You don’t need to give it up, but you also don’t need to force him into it. Listen in at timecode 26:29 to hear how the more you acknowledge what’s going on with him, the more he will acknowledge what’s going on with you.
Milly: Most nights, my husband stays up until 2a.m and it affects his mood and performance the next day. I’ve spoken about it with him so many times, and he hears but never changes. It’s been going on for most of our marriage and I’m fed up.
Leah: If you can, have pity in your heart because it’s so hard at this stage for him to change his circadian rhythm. You could try asking instead of 2 a.m could we try 1.30 a.m, and gradually he may manage earlier. If you’ve been trying to get him to change for so long, and he hasn’t, its probably not being handled correctly, so look at how you’re asking him and see if you can make mini changes. If he’s adamant that he can’t, your job is to let go. It’s counterproductive to your own sense of wellbeing and to your relationship to your husband to hold onto this resentment. Try to approach him full of love in your heart.
Try This At Home:
Try to let go of one frustration, one time this week.
