Dr. Lieberman: Nagging is reminding someone of something they already know, and it is not effective. The key to being effective and gaining cooperation from your husband comes from the basic premise that no one wants to be looked at from a position of weakness. When you tell your husband they’re doing something wrong, there are 3 things which will happen:

The optimal way to do it is to come from a position of love, respect, kindness, and appreciation. Focus on the positive! For example, asking your husband how many times you need to tell him to throw out the garbage will not be effective. However, the next time he does throw out the garbage, you can tell him, “I know you’re busy with thousands of things, and it means a lot to me that you remembered to throw out the garbage. Thank you!” If your husband constantly needs to be reminded to do something, you can ask him to do this “as a favor” to you. If you preface it as a favor, your husband will not feel attacked and he will feel like he’s a nice guy who’s helping his wife. I have a story to share: One month ago, I heard a Bar Mitzvah boy lain and I gave him a big shout out for doing such an amazing job. Someone overheard and said that he lains every week. I answered that he should be praised each week. Just because someone does something more often, doesn’t make them less amazing; it makes them even more amazing!  Acknowledgment and appreciation go a long way! Your husband is not a mind reader, and sometimes he will do something which bothers you. If you’re in a bad mood or he’s in a bad mood, you’re in a negative space and it’s harder to see his perspective. You can predict how a conversation will go based on how it begins! Speak softly and make sure neither of you is tired, hungry, or cranky. If you tell your husband that what he did was wrong, he will most likely get defensive. If your husband is doing something which irritates you, turn it around and say that you are having a hard time with it.  It’s not about logic and it’s not hard to take out the garbage! You can even say you’re sorry for making a big deal about this. What’s hard for the husband is when the wife tells him that he is doing something wrong. The husband is happy to make his wife feel better; he doesn’t want to feel bad because it’s his fault.

Question: Why don’t husbands just get it? Why do they need to be told all the time? Wives don’t need to be reminded!

Dr. Lieberman: Men have a stronger brain filtering mechanism which is called the reticular activating system. The garbage might not be important to him, so it may not enter his purview. You need to raise the level of significance to him so that your husband could realize how important it is.

Question: I feel my husband is not an equal partner and I do mostly everything.

Dr. Lieberman: Each family has its own dynamics. Lean into your husband’s strengths. If something is not your strength and you have a hard time doing it, you can say you’re having a hard time juggling it and ask if there is any way he could help you. It’s all about how you ask! We’re sometimes nicer when we talk to strangers.

Question: At what point does the wife have to be honest and realize that if she’s doing a chore all the time, that may be the way she wants it done.

Dr. Lieberman: If a wife’s expectations exceed her husband’s capacity, there will be difficulty. If a husband doesn’t do something the way the wife wants it done, keep in mind that he just helped her and had good intentions, so hold off on any criticism. The NEXT TIME you ask your husband to do that chore, say, “Would you mind doing it this way?” Say that before he does it, not while he’s doing it! You’re just asking your husband to change his approach; you’re not criticizing. If you’re conscious of your husband’s strengths and celebrate his weaknesses, you will own his greatness and he will be a different person! The fastest way to change someone is to change your perception of them!

Question: Women today feel they’re doing and bringing in so much, more than ever before.

Leah: Rav Moshe Cordovero said that all blessings come from G-d, then to the husband and then to the wife.

Dr. Lieberman: The way of the world certainly looks and feels like that. Blessing comes from peace in the marriage. If you’re always frustrated, that means that what you’re doing isn’t helping your situation. Why not give this new way a chance for 30 days and see if it’s helpful. When you’re able to connect with your own strengths, you’ll do much better. Come from a position of strength, because people feel beaten up when they come from a feeling of weakness.

Leah: Our focus becomes our reality.

Dr. Lieberman: Our emotional state comes from our thoughts. Our thoughts are formed from what we focus on. The kind of person who walks into a room and finds the 1 thing that’s not in its proper place, that person is not a treat to live with.

Question: What makes a person negative and not positive?

Dr. Lieberman: The world of a negative person is the same world as yours. It’s their perspective! When people see the world through myopic lenses, their perspective is narrow. How you see the world is a direct reflection of how you see yourself. Everyone has their own personal narrative. Everyone justifies themselves. The only way to budge a person who is negative is to get them to see themselves differently. See the negative person in a way that brings out the best in them, and that can only be done when the person understands you really care about them. Make a conscious decision to focus on the good in your husband.  If you focus on the positive, everything will flow from that!

Question: I was always a nag and had a habit of putting my husband down. I have made improvements, but my husband still sees me as the same person. How do I get my husband to see that I’m taking the steps to improve?

Dr. Lieberman: Your husband’s expectations are of a certain dynamic and he sees himself from your eyes. Communicate with him. Tell your husband that you’d like to have a conversation about something. Start the dialogue by saying, “I owe you an apology. For a long time, I’ve been giving you a hard time and now I’m trying to change. It was wrong of me and I’ll do everything possible to change.” As you begin to talk, your husband will probably start to comfort you by telling you not to worry and that it’s OK. By saying that you want to be better, it takes the blame off your husband and it becomes your doing, not his. This is being authentic. There’s a rule that whatever we get disproportionally upset with, that it’s your own “stuff.” When you say that you don’t know why you act in a certain way, you took the blame off your husband and took responsibility for yourself. The degree in which we accept ourselves is the degree in which we accept our husbands! If we’re hard on ourselves, then we’re hard on our husbands.

Question: How do we stay strong within ourselves when we’re being pushed so hard?

Dr. Lieberman: The saying goes that, “Hurt people hurt.” A husband’s detachment is the result that they don’t want to risk feeling pain. If one is disconnected, there is no feeling pain. To fix that, any overture your husband makes, even asking you to pass the salt, do not disagree with him. Disagreeing would cause a casual withdrawal. The more your husband sees a warm, nurturing environment, the more he will respond positively. An example to keep in mind is that a turtle puts his head inside the shell when he doesn’t feel safe.

Question: Can you share with us a counseling success story?

Dr. Lieberman: A husband was married for 10 years, and his wife never made the beds. He wondered how hard it is to make a bed. One time they had company, and his wife made the beds. The husband was so happy the beds were made and said, “I know I’ve been giving you a hard time, and I really appreciate that you made the beds!” For their next 15+ years of marriage after that, his wife always made the beds!  When you point out your husband’s flaws, he’ll become defensive. If you point it out as one of your own flaws, it will be much more palatable for your husband and he will take it differently. Rabbi Noach Weinberg zt’l of Aish HaTorah said that the Torah definition of love is to identify someone with their good attributes. Enjoy your husband and look for the good in him, and you’ll connect with each other in a much different way. Focus on connecting, and if your husband is not the kind of person who is communicative, help him to communicate. If you are single, ask yourself before you get married if given the strengths and weaknesses of this person, is something you can live with if they would never change?

Question: What qualities should a woman grow into to up her game in marriage?

Dr. Lieberman: If you focus more on gratitude and looking for the good, the brain will reconfigure itself and this will become your reality, http://affectivebrain.com/?attachment_id=5775. Focus on the positive in your husband, in yourself, and in your life. You can’t move forward by beating yourself up!