Ever feel like you’re on a completely different page to the man you married?

Join Leah for the first of the Deep Dive series where she answers questions about husbands who are unwell a lot, distracted a lot, or spend a lot of money! Learn how to get on the same page as the man who shuts you out.

Viewer Questions:

Batya: Usually, my husband tries hard to meet my needs. The problem is, he often gets unwell due to digestive issues. During these times he is completely shut off and unable to give to me. It happens regularly and even though he apologizes, I feel so isolated. It might not be his fault, but I’m depleted.

Leah: Let’s start with logistics- what you have done about his digestive issues? If it’s not his diet, is it allergies or does he need to see a doctor? Make it your goal in life to help settle your husband’s stomach- be there and support him in this. It’s an opportunity to show him compassion and care. The aspect that you feel shut out is hard but makes sense- whenever we feel unwell, we are not the best at caring for others. Dealing with chronic illness is a whole new set of emotional tools a wife needs. But keep in mind that Hashem gave you this challenge. It’s sad and I acknowledge it’s hard. But for some reason, on a spiritual level, you need this. It’s hard to hear, but this should give you strength so you know what your job is. Hopefully realizing that this is from G-d to help you become your best self, should remove some of the anger towards your husband. Tune in at timecode 06:58 to hear three tips that will help you get through this.

Dassy: My husband is always doing something else when he speaks to someone- me, his mother, our kids. He’s usually also on the phone although he can be reading or just looking around. I never feel truly cherished. I have gently expressed this to him and requested 1 hour a day, but nothing so far has worked.

Leah: Is it possible that he has ADHD? Maybe read some articles on it and if he does, learn how to manage this. It may help to go for a walk when you want to spend time or speak with him. It seems it’s too hard for him to sit still, so rather look into which tools you can use to help yourself deal with it.

Ellie: I had a couple over for Shabbos and her husband was so gentle and kind to his wife. I couldn’t help but compare my husband- he is nothing like that with me! What do I do with these feelings?

Leah: Dangerous territory! Jealousy is so common and so poisonous. It may help to tell yourself “G-d gave me what I need and gave them what they need.” It’s also helpful to remind yourself that things aren’t how they seem, and everyone has their challenges. You’re seeing how he is around a Shabbos table, but you don’t know the other side to it. Do what you can to avoid being around this table. It’s harsh but it’s emes (truth.)

Miri: My husband tends to spend money without much thought whilst I always try to be so careful. It doesn’t seem fair. Do I need to change or does he?

Leah: Good question, ask him. Timecode 23:45 will show you how to say it in an understanding way, which he will understand.

Try This At Home:

Find something that has been bothering you and figure out a way to communicate it in a sweet, gentle way.