Does it feel like your husband never has time for you? That you are constantly chasing after him to get his attention? That when he finally does speak to you, he is multitasking so the only response you get to anything you share is “yeah”?

Then get ready to meet, Chaya, married 11 years, who is suffering from exactly this issue!

Chaya’s husband is busy day and night, working and learning, and she is often chasing him down to get his attention. He always seems preoccupied when he’s with her and even during the times when he’s supposed to be listening to what she is saying, he’s so busy multitasking that the most she gets out of him is a “yeah” response.

As Leah delved into Chaya’s upbringing it became clear that Chaya was in desperate need of emotional attention from her husband due to the lack of attention she experienced as a young child. She grew up in a home with many siblings and a very busy mom. Chaya felt that her mother was not there for her, and was hoping that once she got married her husband would heal that hurt.

Leah explained to Chaya that her feelings of loneliness when she was a child is now cropping up every time her husband doesn’t give her the attention she desires. The first step to her healing is to recognize that Hashem (G-d) was the one who placed her in the circumstances she grew up in. Hashem (G-d) knew exactly what she needed and he gave it to her. It is the reason why today she deals so well with children since her empathy and ability to focus on them is so heightened. Unfortunately, her bitter side still manifests itself when she is with her mom. She understands that her husband can’t be her mother, so her goal now is to learn how to fulfill her own needs.

Since being around her mother brings back such painful emotions that then causes her to get upset at her husband for not meeting her needs, she must ensure her Shalom Bayit (marital peace) comes first. If that means seeing her motherless, than she should ask her guiding Rabbi if that is something she can do. Her relationship with her husband must be her priority.

Furthermore, Leah brought to Chaya’s attention that today her life is infinitely more present and joyful than what her mom ever had. Sadly, Chaya’s mom spent decades never having serenity from connecting. However, until she is able to fully separate her childhood trauma from her Shalom Bayis (marital peace) she needs to lessen the amount of time she is around her mother. Shalom Bayis (Marital peace) comes before kibbud am (respecting a mother). There seem to be triggers that her mother sets off in her which is affecting her marriage and that must be dealt with first. Leah advises Chaya to broach the subject with a rabbinical authority and ask a Shila (question)

Chaya also conveyed that she feels as though her husband isn’t meeting her emotional needs. Leah explained to Chaya that there is usually a gap between a woman’s need to connect emotionally and a man’s ability to satisfy that need.

Her husband comes home, he’s tired, he has more work to do, phone calls to make, etc. Getting his attention is hard. Usually, he comes back later in the night after “the storm,” when the children are already in bed. He owns his own business and is very successful. But Chaya is jealous of his “business” life because she receives attention from him only when she tells him to shut his phone.

Through further delving, Leah was able to discover that Chaya and her husband do have date night once per week. While on the date, Chaya enjoys herself immensely and feels satisfied, but she needs more! Additionally, she does go away with her husband overnight approximately once every 2 months.

Leah explained that it seems as if there is “a hole in the bottom of her appreciation bucket.” Leah explained to Chaya that when her husband fills her bucket and then the bucket is empty shortly later, it’s exhausting for him!

Good news: There’s a lot she can do for her bucket not to have a hole in it. Leah suggested that after the date and until their next date Chaya should journal and/or think about what filled her bucket: attention, affection, pouring in of love, her husband took her to her favorite place, etc. Taking notes and writing it down is crucial since just like students in a class, if they don’t take notes often it’s as if they weren’t even in the class! Her ability to process goodness needs to be cemented in place. She either may never revisit that good feeling or she can revisit that good feeling each day until their next date!

Leah offered a few more suggestions to try:
1) Prayer and hishtadlus (effort). Ask Hashem (G-d) to please let the attention stick. Ask Him to please let it cling to her soul and to help it give her satisfaction the needs.

2) Understand that for her husband, getting stuff done is satisfying. For her to say to him that she’s upset about it and that she feels ignored is “messy.” The more we can receive from our husbands and maximize what they are giving us the better. When her husband is giving her attention and he doesn’t feel it’s being received, he feels like he can never get it right. She owes it to him to savor all his attention and to be the best “receiver” she can be! His attention should feel to her like gold!

When her husband gives and she receives it wholeheartedly he’ll want to keep giving. She has the power to increase the amount of attention he gives her. When she feels sorry for herself, it’s disempowering her and is doing more damage. When that happens, her self-esteem goes lower, as does her ability to make powerful choices. She is self-aware & needs to work on this without blaming her husband since that would render her powerless. Leah ended off with telling Chaya to ask as often as possible, “what can I do at the moment to be close with my husband?”

We look forward to hearing back from Chaya as you how Leah’s advice worked!

Homework for the week: One time this week, after your husband gives you attention, thank him with a full heart. By thanking him, you’re letting him know his giving was fully received.