Welcome home Mr. Grouch!

Join Leah as she continues Marriage Secrets with pages 304-307 and addresses what to do if your husband comes home grumpy, doesn’t appreciate your warm greetings or doesn’t reciprocate your attempts to bond. Learn how to be welcoming in an unwelcome situation, and how to bond when you’re in a bind!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Bonding with a husband means to bring him close and show love. What we choose in each instance will determine our level of joy in that day.
• Rambamexplains that a wife is part of her husband and he wishes to connect with her and be with her. Often, we make choices to disconnect from him. It’s time to make choices which bond instead.
• Timecode 01:11 has some relatable examples of the raging battle between bonding versus disconnecting.
• Bonding takes relentless work, but the physical, emotional and spiritual blessings will be apparent.
• Bonding is our true purpose on the earth.
• How do we bond? Ensuring anger and resentment don’t cause blockages. Creating a warm and welcoming home where everything comes towards him e.g. greeting him at the door. Being positive and comforting and avoiding complaints as much as possible.

Viewer’s Questions:

Aliza: I get so hurt when I choose to bond but my husband doesn’t, so this makes me not want to bond. How do I choose to bond despite my husband’s reactions?

Leah: Perhaps have a deep, meaningful conversation with him at a time you’re not feeling rejected. Timecode 08:11 will show you how to give over your feelings of hurt and rejection to motivate him to bond with you more. Bonding is crucial in a marriage so ask him what you can do to make him feel more compelled to bond with you.

Bracha: When I choose to bond instead of snapping, I’m desperate for him to know about my success. I always end up telling him that I was about to snap and didnt. Is this ok?

Leah: 100%! In the same way as when you donate tzedoko (charity) and you should tell your children about it. You need to feel that he’s proud of you. Also, if he sees your effort, it should encourage him to also make effort in this area.

Emma: It’s hard to welcome him home when he comes in so agitated. It’s as if he used up all his good middos (character traits) at work and we get him tired and impatient. How do I warmly greet him when he is like this?

Leah: This needs a conversation with him- timecode 11:36 will show you how to warmly give over your feelings without making him go cold! Taking the problem and putting in his lap is key and trying to anticipate his defence will help you pre-empt.

Shayna: When I greet my husband at the door, he says he doesn’t like it because the kids bombard him. He’d rather sneak in and have a few minutes to himself. I’m not sure what my role is here.

Leah: Perhaps suggest that he parks around the corner and has some time out before he comes home. Kids are sensitive and might pick up on his reluctance to see them. Whilst his needs are more important than your kids’ feelings, there might be a way to keep them both intact. Perhaps when he comes home, everyone can come to greet him and then he goes up for 15 minutes. Just remember that his needs at that time are your priority. Children will be fine as long as they see that a mother’s priority is making daddy happy.

Raizel: Is it so bad that I also wish to be greeted in the same respectful type of way that I greet my husband? Sometimes I want my husband to cook a hot meal for me at the end of a long day. How do I quell these feelings of jealousy for how I treat my husband?

Leah: This comes back to the equality-based marriage versus the Torah-based marriage. This depends on the set up of your home, who works and for how many hours. There was a study that the more equality sought in marriages, the higher the divorce rate. It’s fine to ask him for a break but it’s crucial not to put him into a woman’s role. Fighting for the position of king is frustrating but embracing the role of queen means all of your needs are being met. It may not sit well with you but try it because the results are transformative.

Tehilla: The time when my husband comes home is the most difficult time, when my kids are super cranky and I’m trying to do a million things. Is it wrong that I explained to my husband ahead of time that if I don’t greet him that day it’s because it’s just super hectic at that time? I’m only able to greet him about 2x a week.

Leah: It’s great that you know yourself. But you’re able to plan ahead. At that hectic time, are all the things you’re busy with absolutely crucial to be done then? There’s usually something we can take off our plate at that time in order that we can properly greet our husband. Twice a week is great, do what you can, but the most important part of greeting him at the door is the mindset that there is now a shift in the home and the king has walked through the door. Internalizing this mindset is more crucial than the physical act of walking to the door.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, think to yourself: “Is this action bonding or disconnecting?”