One of the issues of our guest is that she feels she spent 19 years building a “castle” while her husband was busy doing his thing and working. Now due to Covid-19, Chana feels like her husband is “taking a bat and crashing down her glass castle.” She raised the children all these years while her husband wasn’t around, and now her husband is home all day and micromanages them!

Chana is used to being in charge and has been successful being a “control freak.” Their marriage worked well with them each being in their respective roles. This wife wants to look up to her husband as the supporter with the knowledge that he “has her back.” Several years ago, Chana read Marriage Secrets and started implementing the tips in the book, which has worked very well for her. However, she feels extremely vulnerable now that Covid hit.

Leah: Can you pinpoint when in your life you learned that it’s not OK to be vulnerable?

Guest: In my culture, vulnerability was synonymous with weakness. Vulnerable people didn’t make it far in life.

Leah: For the past 19 years of marriage, your coping strategy was to control your family, which worked for you. Now because of Covid, you no longer feel in control. Why do you think G-d did this to you?

Guest: I attribute my success to micromanaging everyone and doing everything right. Perhaps I didn’t acknowledge that G-d runs the world. Perhaps my success wasn’t because of me, but rather a gift from G-d.

Leah: We all have our areas which we control.  Most control freaks don’t know they’re control freaks. They believe that the reason things should go their way is because their way is better. Perhaps their way is right, but perhaps there’s another way to do things. The way of a control freak very well may be smarter and more dependable, but the reason they cannot break out of control could usually be traced to anxiety or their fear of the future, www.papsociety.org/xanax-alprazolam-1-mg/. They feel less vulnerable when they’re in control. Control freaks usually don’t understand that they’re pushing people away, which can become their handicap.

Sarit: What if a person is independent and their way works since they’re efficient? That’s not coming from fear.

Leah: Being a control freak is a strategy that can work, up until it doesn’t work.  It may work until you get more stressed. Control also prevents you from receiving input from others, which may cause you to push people away. As a lifetime strategy, control can push your husband and children away, because they’re not participants in running things. When control diminishes closeness to your husband and other family members, the impact will be negative, so you need to loosen the reigns. You’ve trained your husband that you will take over everything and it’s hard for you to be a receiver. You’ve been raising your children a certain way and now you feel your husband’s sudden presence and new harshness is ruining his relationship with the children. What makes you certain that your husband’s technique is wrong?

Guest: I don’t know. I was used to running the home. When I see that controlling behavior displayed in others, I have difficulty. For example, my husband is not involved with the children enough to understand their schedules and why they sleep in late sometimes. My husband is too quick to criticize the children without finding out why they slept in, which may be that they were up late the night before.

Leah: Why is that wrong?

Guest: I grew up in a critical culture. It seems to me that my husband’s behavior is demeaning. It’s scary to me that all my hard work that I put into raising the children is being shattered by my husband’s harshness.

Leah: Why would G-d want your children to hear messages of negativity? Control freaks are convinced their way is best. Recognize G-d has other plans. You’re at a critical juncture of your children’s teen years; why would G-d do this to you right now? You assume you’re correct, but we do not know that. G-d gave both a father and a mother the task of raising children. Women are generally softer and men are generally harsher. Your husband’s nature is to be harsher. You’re positive that you’re right, which is damaging to your relationship with your husband and children. Maybe your husband’s reaction to your children sleeping late could benefit them in their futures. There are two different ways of parenting. Maybe the children need to draw on your husband’s strength. Perhaps allowing your children to sleep in is not the best thing for them. Maybe you’re making your own life unbearable. Your children received your love and know you love them; maybe it’s time to let go.  Maybe you need to step back and allow your husband to parent his way. You’re feeling vulnerable with emotional drama and trauma due to the lockdown, which is harder for control freaks. If you stepped back, perhaps the other issue of your husband not being supportive would resolve itself.

Sarit: You grew up with negativity and you turned out positive because you saw how damaging it could be. Was there anyone in your life who helped influence you positively?

Guest: I had therapy, a life coach, & I read books. It took me 25 years to move past the negativity. I’m uncomfortable to add criticism into my children’s upbringing. I’m afraid it will shatter my children’s image of their father of who they thought he was, to who he actually is. My husband is unpredictable and gets upset a lot.

Leah: Your children’s image of their father as superman may be damaging to them in the future, because it’s a hard image to live up to. Have faith. We’re meant to put in effort, but the results are up to G-d. It’s an illusion that we have control or ever had it. If you do whatever you have to do to be close with your husband and let things go the way your husband wants it to and then dedicate yourself to having peace in your marriage, there is a guarantee that G-d will take care of your children. Your focus should be that G-d will bring blessing into your home.

Guest: I understand the laws of nature, but children can get messed up if they’re exposed to negativity from a parent.

Leah: Correct, but your focus is on taking care of your children to get good children. I’m telling you to take care of your husband to get good children. Our tradition tells us that if you focus on your marriage, your children will do fine. That’s the spiritual world — it may not be immediate, but you will see it eventually. Give your husband the space he needs. After 2 decades, your husband is home and out of work; his self-esteem came from his business. If your husband seems depressed, see what you can do for him; offer to take a walk with him, take care of him! Self-care is crucial, and women should take care of themselves. However, the first step in self-care might just be to take care of your husband. People who are control freaks have difficulty with change. You’ve been stressed and have been saying that you have no support. For you to adjust to this, you will need to support your husband, and then your husband will be supportive of you. Chill out and don’t berate your husband for every little thing he does. Your husband naturally wants to give to you, and if you take care of your husband, he will have your back and you’ll be able to have more self-care.

Guest: It will be humbling for me, but I will try to take your advice and will let go and let G-d, knowing this is from G-d.

Leah: Women have drive. When wives let go and let their husbands have control, it can repair the marriage. For a woman, far more important than control is connection. Though it may not be true for everyone, when a wife feels connection, she may not care about having control. For a man, he has to feel like he has control. If a husband feels pushed around, he will only be a shadow of himself. Wives can make husbands rich by giving him control. Wives don’t need it, but men need control. Connection for a woman is far more valuable than control. When a wife gives away complete control, she gains influence, which is much more precious.

Homework: Do your best to let go of control.