Doesn’t it feel oh-so-good to finally get that job done! I should forgo accomplishment for connection?

Join Leah as she continues Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets with pages 214-217 and reveals tips to a longer lasting accomplishment- true connection.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• When asking for help, we need to think if we would prefer to have a husband or an employee.
• Men should help out but it’s a matter of gently requesting and not barking orders. Our tone needs to convey that his contribution is a gift rather than an obligation.
• We should ask ourselves how we can make our husband feel more important than anyone else in the room.
• How can we bring him near rather than pushing him away?
• When we don’t treat our husbands like employees, they often step up and become our partners.
• Sometimes we try to accomplish so much that we don’t realize it’s at the expense of how we treat those around us.
• Being efficient and developing a relationship are mutually exclusive.
• Whenever possible, we need to do less and connect more.

Viewer Questions:

Aliza: When I’m upset, I don’t want to pull my husband close to me, I don’t want to interact much with my husband at all. Can I even change this about myself?

Leah: Of course you need your space, but you also need to bring him close. This can be achieved by simply saying “when there’s a big emotion on my lap, I need to process it and I don’t want to take it out on you.”  Letting him know you’re working on it can bring closeness.

Shani: I get that we should ask for help nicely, but I don’t understand why he can’t just see that things are flying and pitch in. It can be so hard when I’m in the middle of juggling ten things and I have to stop and sweetly ask him for help. How can he not notice how overwhelmed I am?

Leah: Women have their skill set and men have their (very different) set. Things can be flying and your friend would step in and help immediately but a husband may not even notice. G-d made us differently, and accepting this is how G-d made him may help you feel less annoyed. There are probably things you do which aren’t so perfect either. Listen in at timecode 12:45 to hear how to pre-empt and put the problem in his lap to calm those times when things are flying!

Ruchie: Oftentimes I choose to multitask and do a lot at once so my husband realizes how hard I’m working and will step in without me asking. This never works, but I keep doing it! Will he ever help without me asking him to!?

Leah: You know the answer! A definitive no! We work ourselves to the bone (and yes sometimes it’s to prove to him,) but he would rather come home to a calm and happy wife than a frazzled wife. Society says we are valued if we complete this to do list, but real value is being kinder when everyone comes through the door. We need to take that time for ourselves (guilt free)! We pile so much onto ourselves- anything which can be taken off the list should be.

Esti: Even when I do manage to show my husband that I’m putting him first, I start to feel so resentful. What about him putting me first?! I don’t really feel that I’ve succeeded with all this resentment bubbling up. How do I stop feeling so resentful?

Leah: The key here is understanding where the source of bracha (blessing) in the home comes from (yes, your husband)! This will lower your resentment towards what he is not doing or what you wish he would be doing. Watch our Giver/Receiver show for a deep understanding of this. The reason this is so crucial is because you can access that bracha just through this recognition. By appreciating and thanking him, he will do more.

Naomi: My husband works hard during the week and I gladly take the responsibility of the home and kids. However on the weekends, I really wish my husband would get more involved but he doesn’t. He sleeps a lot, spends a lot of time at at Shul, or seeing his friends, or relaxing by himself. I don’t want him to feel like I’m asking him for too much, but it really bothers me! I’ve tried talking to him about it but he always says he needs to be able to fully relax over the weekends so he can be productive at work. Even a compromise wouldn’t sit well with me, I want him to feel like a partner at least just for those 2 days.

Leah: Firstly, some men can’t relate to young kids and it’s not enjoyable for them- it’s time to get creative and find out how he can engage in a pleasurable way. Secondly, you’re not going to like this but…he works hard all week and if he needs 2 days off, that’s what he should get. Obviously, that’s tough on you and of course you also need alone time. You need to block out time every day for yourself; you’re responsible for your own wellbeing. Not everything needs to be equal. This may sound very politically incorrect but once you tune in at timecode 26:25 and hear a study which will blow your mind, you may jump on board. Clearly, if both spouses work fulltime, it’s a different story. You’ll have to come up with a peaceful plan, at a calm time, to enable you to get your downtime.

Becky: My problem is that accomplishing makes me feel so much more satisfied than connecting. Listening to my husband drone on about the office doesn’t make me feel closer to him. But finishing organizing the hall closet is a great feeling.

Leah: This is a question of temporary versus permanent. A day later you won’t remember that glee of a clean closet, but listening to your husband will bring you such bracha, connection and closeness.  Accomplishing makes us feel good but closeness makes us feel better.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when you’re about to accomplish something, try to connect instead.