You’ve got your list of needs…now what?
In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 82-84, and walks you through prioritizing those needs…plus, how to communicate them so that you get taken care of! Take care of your needs by watching the show!
Tune in for the first 6 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:33!
Leah’s Points to Ponder:
- Prioritize your needs by weighing two items against each other until you narrow down to 3 truly essential needs.
- If you have a good track record of communicating well with your husband, you can start gently discussing one need at a time with him.
- If you struggle with communication in your marriage, wait till we discuss effective communication in Chapter 8- or read it on your own!
- When you have your top 3 needs met, you will have the emotional stamina to let other things slide. Your happiness will increase, and your husband will be so glad that he’s making you happy! Win-win!
Viewer Questions:
Nechama: Why is 3 the magic number? I have 4 needs… and I just can’t cross off the 4th!
Leah: I’ll let you keep the 4th. The problem is that if you have too many needs, it becomes too hard for your husband to fulfill them, and then you both get frustrated. Weigh them and narrow them down as much as you can to maximize getting them met!
Baila: What if he keeps forgetting the 3 needs I already communicated a few times?
Leah: You should be communicating them constantly. Most men can’t remember them from one day to the next.
Rochel: It’s so hard for me…I have a need to go out to a fancy restaurant and feel pampered once in a while, and he can’t stand fancy restaurants, but he’s the one I really want go out with!
Leah: Part of a relationship is doing things for the other person that you don’t necessarily feel like doing. Make sure you are open to doing those things for him. Also, talk to him about how you understand that it’s not his preferred thing to do, but if it’s not too hard, it really means so much to you to go out for a fancy meal. Be aware of how you are using that time in the restaurant. Make it pleasant for him- no complaining, criticizing, worrying about heavy issues, etc. Spend the whole time complimenting him!
Baila (follow-up): It’s hard to keep reminding him, after I’ve communicated my needs. He’s a good guy, just soooo busy, and I feel uncomfortable reminding him. Maybe it’s not his thing to help me with my 3 needs. I feel like I’m nagging him if I remind him too much, even if I say it nicely.
Leah: Set up a system. When I realized I wanted quality time over him doing the dishes, I’d bring up every night: “What time works for you- is after maariv (evening prayers) better, or do you prefer earlier?” That way you’re not nagging- you’re finding out from him when he wants to do the thing you both agreed to do.
Eliana: What if my husband can’t practically meet my need of quality time because his job is too demanding? He’s in the early stages of a law career and works 80-hour weeks. I just need more time with him. He’s always dreamed of being a successful lawyer and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I’ve tried communicating my need to him, but he just says we’ll be able to spend more time together in just a couple of years, and this is the sacrifice I agreed to make when I married him. I’m having a really hard time.
Leah: It’s so hard when the wife is so clearly in the right! You can’t wait 2 years to get the attention you need. The ideal thing would be if you could tell his rabbi’s wife to ask the rabbi to give a speech to the congregation in shul (synagogue) about not letting your career come at the expense of your wife’s needs. But that’s not too likely to happen. What you can do is figure out weird ways to spend time with your husband. Tune in at time code 15:53 to hear ideas!
Chani: Can I really give myself permission to tell him my needs when he’s overwhelmed, and a pretty decent husband already? Can’t I just give him the benefit of the doubt, if he doesn’t meet my needs?
Leah: That is so sweet, but it will lead to resentment in your marriage. You are not a doormat and your needs are crucial. You need to communicate how you feel to him. Definitely be understanding if he doesn’t always get things right, but it’s his obligation to work on meeting your needs. Giving in on things is a wonderful thing, but you can’t give in on yourself. Show huge appreciation and compliments when he gets it right.
Dina: I’m in my shana rishonah (first year of marriage) and still figuring out what I truly need, but the real hard part for me is communicating my needs to my husband. It’s so hard for me to be vulnerable with him. Any tips for a newlywed in terms of communication? I’m very shy naturally, so it’s hard for me to be so forward.
Leah: You might want to try writing letters. Remember that sweet, soft language is the way to go. Tune in at time code 25:39 for an example! The important thing is to start growing that communication now. It will prevent resentment and foster closeness and give you the marriage you’ve always wanted!
Try This At Home:
Prioritize your needs and figure out the best way to communicate them to your husband.
