What does being cherished even mean anyway? Why would we want that more than respect, or help around the house? It can’t be THAT important, can it?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 2 of Marriage Secrets, pgs. 44-46, and confronts our resistance to feeling cherished and clarifies why it is so essential to our happiness.

Tune in for the first 6 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:39!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Trying to fix your husband NEVER works!
• Every challenge we face in our relationship was hand-picked by G-d to bring out the best in us.
• Everything is within your power to attempt to improve.
• Insights+actions=internal growth

Rina: I’ve always been told a woman needs to respect her husband and her husband needs to adore her- what is the difference between cherished and adored?

Leah:  Adoring someone is a feeling- cherishing someone is acting on those feelings.

Gila: I’m not resistant to being cherished, I just don’t trust him to do it in a way that will be meaningful to me- how can I fix this?

Leah:  Only you can fix it. He doesn’t know how. We’ll get in to how to express what your needs are so you can be cherished- it is YOUR responsibility– don’t trust him to know.

Talia: Do you think shalom bayis gets easier with age and the longer you’re married? Is the hardest year generally the first year of marriage?

Leah:  If you’re doing the work, it gets better and better. Our whole purpose for being alive is to improve our character traits by asking ourselves: what does G-d want from me right now?

Chani: How do you strike a balance between respecting your husband and respecting yourself?

Leah:  Excellent question about a challenge many people face. If you will be miserable leaving the dishes to go to bed at the same time as him like he wants, earlier in the day ask him what time he plans to head to bed and then plan your schedule accordingly. Doing his will bring huge blessings into your home.

Shira: If my husband put the kids to sleep, I’d have plenty of time to load the dishwasher and then some and then I could go to bed at the same time!

Leah:  I hear! A lot of problems could be avoided by switching up the logistics of your life, even without involving your husband. I know it’s not politically correct, but you will see blessing in your life in so many areas when you follow your husband’s will. Try it at home!

Ruchie: You mentioned in another episode that we need to see each other as one. How then can I look at us as a “we” when HE is responsible for HIS actions, not me?

Leah:  Very good question. It’s above my paygrade to answer how it works on a spiritual level. Practically speaking, you each try as much as possible to work together and take each other into account. Remember that you’re not responsible for his actions, you’re responsible for your reactions. The goal is closeness.

Shira: A wife is meant to be a helpmate opposite him- does that mean that when he’s weak, I have to be strong and vice versa?

Leah:  I don’t know a source for that specific dynamic of strong vs. weak. You should definitely try to support each other at difficult times. Giving a man validation is one of the greatest gifts a wife can give. The dynamic that we have a source for is that man is the giver and the woman is the receiver. When a woman learns how to be a receiver, it will bring endless joy and satisfaction to her life. We’ll get there!

Esti asks: How do you know when giving in is the right thing or if it’s going to lead to feeling trampled on? How much should we push ourselves?

Leah:  This is trial and error. Try to think ahead: what feeling will I get from doing this and how hard will it be to get over that feeling? Be as honest as possible with yourself and learn from your past reactions.

Try This at Home:

One time this week, let go of your will and do his will, even in a small thing. See how it feels and watch the closeness grow!