Charlie brilliantly responded: First off, let’s discuss why we have to ensure our children are quarantined – is because they have an increased ability to pass the virus to each other, since children are usually close together and they don’t wash their hands as often as they should for proper prevention of the virus. Therefore, the COVID-19 virus may be transmitted more easily between them, and although it won’t affect them, as carriers they can transfer it to someone who is at risk. Now to address the question about preventing long-term damage. As parents, our children will feed off of what they see from us. If they see that we are calm, they will be calm. If they see that we are able to handle what comes our way, without anxiety and fear, that’s how they will handle the situation. Furthermore, we need to discuss the situation with them, and explain the steps we need to take in a positive way. Say statements such as, “we can handle this” and “aren’t we so lucky that now we get to spend more time as a family together?” and “when the going gets tough, our family steps up!” How parents think, act and project their own fears will teach children how to deal with challenges, not just for today, but for a long time to come. The opportunity you have available to you is great!

Leah continued: In your book, Unlocking Greatness, you discuss our ability to become great. How can we achieve that now and make this a positive experience?

Charlie described the qualities of greatness we see in athletes that we can learn from: Athletes have lots of stress. Stress doesn’t have to be a hindrance. What we learn from them is that our focus should be less on how we are doing and more on how we are reacting to what we are doing. What differentiates us from athletes is that we don’t think we’re as great as we could be. We must remember that if G-d chose us to be here now, it means we could do it! A problem is that we are using old standards to apply our past situation to our present one, and that includes school, cleanliness, normalcy, and the upcoming holidays. Passover this year does not have to look the way Passover looked last year. Your house doesn’t have to be as clean and the food doesn’t have to be as fancy. We need to be strong and positive and have the mentality that we can do this! Focus on not being too tense. It’s all in the framing, which we must do for our children. Give them “glasses” and teach them how to see the world. Children are quick to say, “this isn’t fair.” It’s up to the parents to explain the reason why their children must stay at home. Explain the opportunity of giving others the gift of life. There are people who may not be as healthy and may get sick. We worry about others. The framing of why this is necessary is so critical. You’re giving them gratitude glasses, as well as the ability to deal with challenges in their future. It could be one day that at their wedding there’s a power outage, and they will certainly remember how as a family you dealt with this challenge and that you said, “it’s all for the best.”

Another question regarding children was broached: My child wants so badly to go outside. My husband wants us to stay inside, but there are so many other families on our block playing. My child was sobbing today, and asked if she could play with her friend, who she could clearly see outside. I’m afraid the lockdown won’t be the worst thing my family has to deal with.

Charlie responded: This is a common issue, especially today. Many husbands and wives have different ways of dealing with stress, pressures, and fears. These differences usually don’t surface, because people normally are not in dangerous scenarios. Now, many of these differences are coming to the forefront. Remember, your marriage is not falling apart just because you have a different approach to dealing with stress. You and your husband are just dealing with an unfamiliar stress which came out of nowhere. This is not a sign of anything marriage-related; this is just two separate people looking at a crisis and operating very differently. Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Let’s assume there’s a main breadwinner in the family. If the spouse suddenly says not to spend money, it could just mean that they feel the economic unrest more than you do. On the contrary, you might hear that your husband doesn’t trust your decisions related to allowing your children to go outside. An important approach is to agree on one person in the medical community whom you can turn to with any issues you don’t see eye to eye on. This is critical. Do not use social media as your expert!

Was Charlie up to answering a real hard-hitting question?: Being inside all day with my husband, I realize how little we have in common and how much my husband actually annoys me. I end up spending most of my day on-line, pretending to be busy and trying to avoid him. Does this mean that our marriage is unsalvageable? Covid-19 is showing me that being married to my husband is a mistake. I’m actually contemplating divorce, which really scares me. Help!

Charlie wasn’t fazed: Here’s the quick answer to your question — when two people get married they are fond of each other and see only the good qualities in the other person. Then life goes on, routines begin, and you get to a place where each spouse is busy doing their own thing most of the day. Now, everyone’s routine got disrupted and we are all spending more time with each other, often times in close quarters. Things that never annoyed us before now become more annoying. Qualities we don’t like become more glaring. This happens with children too, but no one would ever divorce their children so it’s not even a thought. It’s important to remember that your routine has been uprooted, so this is not the time to think negatively about your marriage. When you look at your husband, you’re full of stress, thinking about the dangers of the virus, your house is messier than usual, the holidays are around the corner, and you may be thinking about your elderly parents too! You’re looking at your husband very differently than you would if it were just a typical day. Don’t make judgements about your marriage while you’re in crisis mode. There’s a lot of suppressed frustration and tension, and this is the time to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Being in the same house while the world is tense is not quality time together with your husband. The best thing you can do is to think about ways you can get closer to each other and to think about ways to make your marriage stronger — not how to dissolve your marriage! Bottom line, don’t make any rash or hasty decisions during this time!

The questions kept coming: My mother is over 65 and she has anxiety and heart palpitations every time she thinks about the family not spending the holiday with her. I’m afraid her blood pressure will skyrocket and that she’ll have health issues if we don’t go to her. I’m also seeing different opinions about whether or not we could be together. Advice please!

Charlie’s response: Speak with your doctor. Don’t make decisions about your family based on newsflashes, group messages, or social media. A great way to slow down the panic is to not send out the same messages to your contacts that you are receiving. When dealing with others, try not to think of anything past today, as anything can happen at any moment, which is a lesson we learn from Passover. There could be a miracle vaccine or treatment tomorrow. Two months ago, you could not have foreseen this situation today. When you speak with your mother, you can tell her that you don’t know, since you cannot see into the future. Focus on shorter durations of time, because as you look further into the future, anxiety increases!

And another one: How do I get my husband to help more around the house now that I have the children home and I need to help them throughout the day with their school work. I cannot possibly do all I have to do, plus get dinner on the table. I’m exhausted, annoyed, and I’m losing patience with my husband. What do you advise?

Charlie advised that a wife should pay attention to what her husband is doing: watch him and see what he’s keeping himself busy with. There are people who are at real financial risk. Some husbands are overwhelmed with having to maintain their financial capacity. Watch, ask, be sensitive, and be empathetic. There are people who are sitting, but they’re not idle. Also, try your hardest not to ask with your passive-aggressive, tense voice. It’s so different to be on the receiving end of that, even if your husband may deserve it! That tone distances and it’s not productive. My presumption is that in this marriage, the wife is in charge of the domestic responsibilities and her job has now become more acute. Understand that husbands really want to take care of their wives, but they may not be aware of what their wives need. In a moment of quiet, you can tell your husband how overwhelmed you feel.

Charlie shared that finding alone time for a couple to connect is super important during these times: You need to find time with your husband away from everything and everyone. If you can take a walk outside, do it. If you can’t, carve out a moment together to communicate. You must phrase it by calling yourself a team and saying that you’re in this together. You can be married to someone and leading completely separate lives. Marriage is reconnecting to a human being that you’re separate from, and it’s work! According to Jewish tradition, the essence of marriage is that two souls were split before they were born. These two souls came into this world separately and their goal is to reunite as one soul. This virus does not change that goal. It simply makes it a bit more trying, but if you put your mind to it and make it a priority, you will figure out how to make it work.

Leah had time for only two more questions: My husband and I argue all day. Each time he shows me another news report, I get mad at him. I’m doing a lot to keep our family safe and I don’t want to allow this anxiety and panic to get to me. For my husband, sharing this information is therapeutic. I feel like such a bad wife but I can’t take it anymore. Whose health is more important, his or mine?

Charlies immediate response: Both of yours! Husbands and wives must compromise. You need to communicate that you’re there for your husband and that you want to help him in any way you can, but this is challenging for you. Perhaps set aside a convenient time to discuss a little news together, but let him know that news overload doesn’t work for you. He can share his news with his friends, siblings, etc. If you communicate your feelings, your husband will be willing to come up with a solution that will work for the both of you.

Leah’s final question: My husband and I normally agree on our parenting styles, but since we’re cooped up at home, we’re bickering a lot. What can I do?

Charlie with a smile on his face responded: this issue is normal in a marriage, especially now, and hopefully won’t be relevant when this ends. Don’t overthink your difference and try hard to look the other way as much as you can. The most important part of being a parent is showing resilience, strength, and optimism. Whether the children will understand algebra will have no long-term impact on their ability to function in society, but if they see mom and dad tense for a month, it will. Understand that most of life can be on pause for the next month and nothing will happen. What will change a child’s life is if the two people who should be making the child feel safe, are too busy bickering. What will harm a child is the husband and wife who should have it together but are too busy talking about divorce because of a hard week. Instead, be encouraging to the children and say, “guys, we’re good and we’ll be great!” Children should go to sleep at night with the knowledge that their parents are the most stable people in this world. Your children need to see happy parents. If you’re calm, your children will be calm. If you want your children to be connected to G-d, these are the moments to say that G-d runs the world! How you handle yourself will make all the difference. So use this time to become great!

Homework for the week: 1. During these times we have the opportunity to become great. Your children are looking at you to see how they should react, so tap into the greatness you have available to you and set a good example. 2. Don’t make any major life decisions. This is a time to simply concentrate on getting through the day today. Don’t be rash, be smart!