Are you sick of just surviving? Do you want to know how you can thrive while you strive?

Every day is for living and growing, but sometimes we feel like we’re on hold, waiting for a shift to a better situation. EVERY day can be used to thrive, no matter what situation we’re in.

In this episode, Leah speaks with Chani Juravel, LCSW, to discuss strategies for accomplishing this goal.

Leah asks, “We all wake up with our lists of what we want to accomplish that day, and the day always looks so different! How do we view that as a day of thriving?”

Mrs. Juravel cites our sages, who say: If you ever wonder what your mission in life is, it is always the day you woke up to, whatever that may be.

Life is like tofu — it is what you make of it!

Leah interjects: But life comes at us so fast and furious!

Chani disagrees: Does it always? Things are what we make them to be. There ARE ways to build sanity and serenity in wherever we can. When painting a masterpiece, it’s not just frantic brushstrokes. The artist must also step back and look and evaluate where he wants the painting to go.

Leah: So how do we do that?

Chani: It will be different for different people. For some it’ll be waking up 5-10 minutes before their kids to have time to reflect. Slowing down doesn’t have to cost time. You are actually more effective when you’re not agitated and are present in the moment.

Leah: How do we slow down when so much of our self-esteem is tied to our productivity?

Chani clarifies:

Self-esteem vs. Self-respect

Self-esteem is how you think OTHERS see you while self-respect is how YOU see YOURSELF!

If your goal is focused on self-respect, it’s not about productivity, but about making time for what YOU value most.

The people we admire most are not the perfect-seeming people, but those who are REAL about challenges and mistakes!

Are you like a tree? Listen to a powerful analogy that brings the previous point home at 15:00 minutes in.

Viewer question: When times are smooth, I feel like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong- how can I change this attitude?

Chani answers:
All feelings come from thoughts. There are two types of thoughts:

• Primary thought — absolute, definite.
  Ex. It’s 20 degrees outside- I need a coat.

• Fused thought- latched on, but not based in fact.
  Ex: If things are good now, they’ll be worse later

Because a fused thought isn’t based on anything concrete, you can poke holes in it and challenge its credibility.

Thoughts are like candidates — you don’t have to buy into everything they say.

When you live in the present, instead of cycling in the past or future, it’s easier to view your thoughts clearly and see if they’re worth buying into.

How does all this translate into relationships?

The hardest part of marriage for many people is that they think they’re not with the right person. G-d gives clarity, then withdraws it so we can acquire it ourselves. Strive to regain that clarity.

G-d put you with your spouse for a reason. Commit to that and work to find the points that make that clear.

Leah: What is a tool that can help us thrive with our spouse without getting depleted?

Chani: Take time to allow in one new thought about someone that increases your connection.

Thoughts create feelings, which create actions.

Thoughts about another person may not be accurate- how can you really know another person?

Allow yourself curiosity about your spouse. “What does x feel like to you?” The answers may surprise you! Even a word can mean different things to different people. Each person is an expert on him/herself.

So the primary tools to thrive in your relationship:

• Commitment
• Curiosity

What if you just feel stuck?

Acceptance — be real about your struggles and feel the pain of it and tell Hashem

Commitment — do what is in your control that will help

No one is ever stuck everywhere — so focus on where you can grow. You can choose to look elsewhere, to the parts in your control.

One person CAN change a marriage, all on their own, just by changing themselves.

Also, remember that people need to feel needed. Even if the wife is doing most things, find an area to need your husband. It will boost your relationship, which will make it easier to thrive!

Try This at Home:

Be curious with your husband:

What does this word mean to you?

What do you mean when you say x?

How do you feel when I say x?

I want to understand you better!

Additional Links:

Chani Juravel’s book, Sefirah in Our Lives, can be purchased here:

https://www.feldheim.com/sefirah-in-our-lives

She can be reached at chanijuravel@gmail.com