One of our jobs as wives is to help our husbands grow…but when does helping become nagging? And how do we know what to change and what to accept?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 84-87, and clarifies how to walk this line with our sanity intact!

Tune in for the first 6 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:24!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• “The reason Hashem(G-d) created us in the first place is to work on ourselves, to grow, and to be the best people we can be.”- Vilna Gaon
  • So whether or not our husband does his part to meet our needs, our task is to work on ourselves.
• “One has to rely on the binah yeseirah(intuition) of a woman to know when her efforts are not working, and she has to either accept him for who he is, or seek other methods to try to get him to change.” – Rabbi Gershon Bess

Viewer Questions:

Gila: My whole marriage I’ve never asked for anything from my husband and I’ve always tried to take care of myself. My husband is so used to not paying attention to what I need and I feel like it will be too hard for him to adjust to trying to meet my needs.

Leah: It is so sad how the secular society has infiltrated our homes to make independence a priority when we really are supposed to need each other. That is what creates closeness. Receiving from your husband is what will bring blessing into your household. Tune in at time code 7:22 for an anecdote that brings this home. All men want to give to their wife. When you open to the door to him and receive graciously from him- he will feel more fulfilled and you will see the blessing. Try this at home!

Rachie: I’m an avid silent treatment user and although I tell myself I do it so I can think before I speak, and not say something I would regret, I think deep down I’m also trying to “punish” my husband for whatever he did that made me upset. How do I correct this? Even if my husband meets my needs, there’s still going to be some issues and arguments, that’s just marriage. Is this idea truly the foundation of shalom bayis?

Leah: The silent treatment is just a bad habit. It’s obviously not an effective way of resolving conflict- and is incredibly destructive. Kudos to you for owning up to your use of it! Tune in at time code 14:31 for practical tips on how to break this damaging habit!

Danielle: My husband curses even in front of our children. It’s not a need of mine that he doesn’t curse, but at the same time, I think it’s very important for him to stop, especially because I do not want my children to use bad language. I’ve expressed my concern with it many times, but he hasn’t changed. Should I just let it go, since it’s not a need of mine for a healthy, happy marriage, but just a want? It doesn’t bother me when he curses in front of me when we’re alone, but only when it’s in front of our kids.

Leah: We haven’t gotten to the chapter on communication yet, so I’m not sure how you’ve communicated this to your husband in the past. You could say to him something like,

“We all have our annoying habits, myself included, so no judgment, but I want to ask you: do you want to be a father who swears in front of his kids?”

He may say yes, that it’s not a big deal, that it’s how “real” people talk, or whatever. But he may say, “I’d rather not be that kind of father.” In that case, you can put the problem in his lap and ask him how you can solve the problem together in a way that doesn’t involve you being his police. If he responded that it’s not a big deal, you can say express your feelings,

“I hear you, I just feel like I’d love for our children to be wholesome and clean speech is a value I have- is there a way we can resolve this?”

Basya: Why is it too much to ask for a whole list of things from my hubby? I do at least as much as what I’m asking him to do!

Leah: When a wife is looking for what she can get from her husband and a husband is looking for what he can get from his wife, they’ll end up with a get (divorce document). The secret to the level of closeness that we all want is the act of giving, not getting. For a fuller explanation, tune in at time code 25:45!

Try This at Home:

Try one baby step towards getting your needs met. It could be really clarifying those top needs, or working on letting go of a want, or communicating a need if you have a good track record of communication with your husband.