Why would I do it his way when my way is undoubtedly, absolutely 100% better?
Join Leah as we take a break from Marriage Secrets for an end of chapter Q & A session as she answers relatable questions about husbands who completely don’t understand, are completely unrelatable or who are completely wrong!
Viewer Questions:
Yael: My husband responds so casually when I try to share and open up to him. I feel so awkward telling him that I want to take me seriously because I feel like my issues are so minuscule and people have real problems. How do I stop belittling myself, especially when my husband’s responses make me feel worse.
Leah: Tune in at 00:52 to hear a story blown so far out of proportion it’ll blow your mind! We can’t judge anyone. Even if their difficulty seems trivial, our job is to be compassionate. Even if we think our husband may find our issues insignificant, we need to express to him that we need his support.
Esty: Regarding loyalty- my husband is a ba’al teshuva (become religiously observant) and he often posts comments to his family chat that are potentially triggering because they are different than the way the rest of his non-religious family thinks. Should I go out of my way to comment on this chat that I stand behind my husband’s opinions? Or is it ok for me to remain silent? I’m concerned that if I comment it’ll spiral into family feuds.
Leah: We need to be loyal to our husbands no matter what. A better strategy would be to gently explain to him that the Torah says kibbud av ve’eim (honour parents) not kiruv av ve’iem (make parents religious,) and it’s not his job to make them religious. She doesn’t need to actively agree but she should support him over anyone else.
Temi: My husband complains that I always shut his ideas down, which is often true because he doesn’t understand that what’s good for him is not generally good for me and the kids. For example, he always wants to go on hikes, stay out late with the kids and be spontaneous. This is a constant struggle in our marriage. How can we work on this issue?
Leah: If we follow our husband’s will, bracha (blessing) will come into our home. If she’s following his will and it’s having bad ramifications, then it needs a conversation. Listen in at timecode 11:20 to hear how to put this across without putting him down! Hand him the problem and see if he has ideas of what to do. If we are respecting him in every other area, he won’t feel attacked.
Chumie: My husband needs constant reminders for his responsibilities, like taking out the trash, cleaning up after himself and paying bills. I hate that I sound like his mother or a drill sergeant. What can I do to help him?
Leah: Never be the police in your marriage. Ease your way out of this role and if there are ten things you’re reminding him about, drop one at a time. He will never have a sense of self-worth with a policewoman as a wife. Think creatively how to get things get done without stepping into this role.
Rusi: Why do we always have to bend to our husband’s will? What about the wife’s will? There’s no bracha when a husband tries to bend to his wife’s will?
Leah: The mesorah (tradition) says it’s this way round. Of course he needs to take care of her needs but the difference is that a woman has her “way” of doing things. She shouldn’t be mad at him for not doing things her way, or the right way. The objective isn’t the best way, it’s shalom bayis (marital harmony). Tune in at timecode 21:37 for an example about cars to drive the point home and ignite that bracho into your home! If a woman bends her will to his, he will bend his ears to her.
Tehila: Is our goal here with communication to get our husbands to speak more so that they fill the 1/10th of speech that they were given and I continue speaking 9x as much or are we trying to speak less and get our husbands to speak more (i.e. the ratio being more equal)?
Leah: We’re not trying to get an equal ratio; the point is for our husband to be able to share with us, as this connection will bring such closeness. When the wife receives and listens and is there for him in an interested way, an intense bond is available.
Try This At Home:
One time this week when you’re absolutely positive that your way is better, let go and let it be your husband’s way.
