I’m not the problem- he is!

Join Leah as she continues Marriage Secrets with pages 283-286 and learn how to quell those resentments towards a husband who keeps making the same mistakes, doesn’t apologize enough or worse yet…thinks you’re too sensitive! Listen in for an easy fix to turn that pot of resentment down before it bubbles over.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• When people make us feel upset, realize it’s from Hashem and could be a kappara(atonement).
• Waiting for our husband to apologize is the yetzer hara’s(evil inclination) trick- just jump in boldly and forgive for the sake of your marriage and your own serenity.
• Carrying past hurts can be toxic for our mental health. We might need a third party to help us get over it.
• Recognizing human frailty will lessen our expectations and help us judge favorably.
• Resentment gains us nothing except for the consolation prize of being right about how much we were wronged.
• Getting in touch with the cost of our resentments will help us to forgive in order to move on with life unincumbered.

Viewer Questions:

Sari: I find it difficult to view an insult from my husband as a kaparah (atonement) it makes me see my husband as smaller than me, as if he is just there so I can be a better person which affects how I respect my husband. How can I consolidate both of these?

Leah: If this is lessening your respect for him then choose a different technique. The bottom line is to understand that when something happens to us, we get so caught up in it, and this technique helps us to remove ourselves from the situation and realize it’s not our husband.

Rochel: I wish my husband would apologize to me more. Should I communicate this to him or work on getting over my pettiness in needing it?

Leah: Good question, guys aren’t so good at it, plus their sorry is usually: “I’m sorry that you were upset,” which doesn’t cut it as an apology in a woman’s eyes. But if this is an important need and it’s holding you back from feeling closeness then communicate it. However, it’s likely there are many other needs which are more important in which case, try to get over it. It’s worth examining why you need his apology so much. It’s also crucial to examine how often and how you apologize to him. Timecode 11:27 will show you how to communicate your need for his apology, and how to get a real juicy, genuine apology!

Chaviva: I really try hard to forgive my husband instantly and really do the inner work but sometimes my husband will say something that really hurts and even if I work to forgive, if I think of it, it hurts. How can I really forgive? Especially when my husband doesn’t feel that it should have hurt me too much and I was being too sensitive.

Leah: Guess what…we are too sensitive! That’s what makes us so wonderful and in tune with people! Chazal (our sages) tell us that when we forgive someone, we give up the right to bring it up again. The key is to be able to remember and repeat to yourself that once you’ve let go, it’s wrong to bring it up again. This might take work but it’s powerful. If something extremely hurtful was said, it can sting for a while but know that time does heal. Acknowledge the growth in yourself if the sting is lessening.

Shainy: How does one let go of resentment if it is a behaviour that happens again and again even though I have spoken to my husband about the behaviour and how it hurts me?

Leah: If the behaviour is something concerning him, e.g. an annoying habit, then it may not be your business. If it directly concerns you, e.g. he is criticizing you a lot, then it may need a third party, unless you have a good track record of positive communication.

Ruchama: I feel so spread thin with my day-to-day duties and responsibilities that I find it so hard to connect to my husband and maintain a peaceful loving relationship with him, free of resentment. What are tips for pushing through the difficulties of the daily grind to maintain a strong relationship?

Leah: First of all, we are all frenzied and all trying to maintain our relationships so you’re normal. Most women pour time into their children and whatever time is leftover, they give to their husbands. This is backward because the Torah teaches us that we spend eternity with our husband, yet where are we pouring our effort and time? Our main avoda (job) is as an ezer kenegdo (our husband’s helpmate) and then as a mother. Listen in at timecode 22:44 to hear an example of how to perfect the balance between wife and mother! It may seem counterintuitive, but our children will only benefit from this order of priorities. Our husband may not be screeching for our attention in the same way, but we need to shift our mentality so that he comes first. Yes, we are frenzied but if we’re motivated to maximize harmony with our husband, the kids will thrive on this as will Hashem and of course us.

Perele: Can you give us one line we can tell ourselves in the moment that we feel resentment starting to bubble up?

Leah: I love the idea of visualising stamping our foreheads that this is not productive. Or telling ourselves: “Do I want my resentments close to me or do I want my husband close to me?”

Try This At Home:

One time this week, when you feel resentment bubbling up, let it go or communicate it softly.