We all want to bring out the best in our husbands. But isn’t it true that we can only change ourselves? Is all this work to try to motivate change even appropriate…or worthwhile?

In this episode, Leah concludes Chapter 4 of Marriage Secrets with pages 87-89, and sheds light on this crucial issue that all marriages face. You know it’ll be worthwhile!

Tune in for the first 6 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:24!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• We can’t change anyone but ourselves, but we can certainly bring out the best in someone.
• The challenges in our lives and in our marriages are from Hashem (G-d) for our spiritual growth and benefit.
• When we prioritize our needs, we are focusing on areas that have the greatest chance of success and our marriage will improve as a result!

Viewer Questions:

Rivka: Should our husbands also narrow down their 3 main needs? Is it just as important for them or do they work differently?

Leah: Men definitely do work differently so this exercise is not a “must” for them. If he is interested in doing it, it may help her to have him verbalize his needs. But the core work is for the wife to clarify her own needs, because letting go of the wants and concentrating on her needs is going to make both her husband and her a million times happier.

Sima: I think my husband cares too much about my emotional needs. He tries to be home as much as possible, not because he wants to be, but because he’s worried I’ll get lonely which could take a toll on my mental health. I’ve tried explaining to him that I’m okay being home without him, but the truth is I would rather him be home with me and it shows. Is this codependency or a call for therapy?

Leah: Don’t fix what ain’t broke! Different things work for different couples. But if it’s preventing him from getting done what he needs to get done or causing problems, then, yes I would recommend consulting a therapist, or discussing it with him to brainstorm alternatives.

Tehila: What if meeting one of my needs is hurtful to my husband? For example, I need a lot of emotional support and quality time. My husband meets this need tremendously, but he feels like it prevents him from doing more of the things he wants to do. He says his friends don’t consider their wives’ emotional well-being half as much as he does, and they suffer from a lot more shalom bayis (peace in the home) issues than we do. However, he’s also a bit jealous that they’re pursuing more of the things they want to do than he does.

Leah: Tell him that in the eyes of G-d, he’s good. Also, they can do some of the things he likes to do together!

Chaya: I’m worried about sharing my needs with my husband because I don’t want to resent him if he’s not able to meet them once I took the risk of sharing them.

Leah: I hear you. That’s a toughie. You should share that with your husband also. Tune in at time code 15:12 to hear Leah’s suggestion of how to word your concern!

Sara: I have communicated many times that a top need of mine is for him not to look at his cell phone when we’re communicating. It makes me feel disrespected, but it’s so hard for him to do this. Is this too much of a need request in this generation?

Leah: I’m very sorry to break the news to you…but it’s too big of a request in this day and age. I think you’re much better off picking something that’s not such a big battle. However, there is a conversation you can have that may make things better. Tune in at time code 20:07 for some ideas of how to talk about it! Also, check out this episode dealing with this issue in more depth: Is Your Hubby Addicted to His Phone?

Dalia: I’ve told my husband that my top need is for him not to be late, but no matter how hard he tries, he’s still late. I can be patient as long as he’s not late for a family meal. I feel pressure from my kids to let him know how upsetting it is. He already knows this is a top need of mine! I feel pulled between my husband and children each time he’s late for meals.

Leah: My question for you would be, did you put the problem in your husband’s lap and ask him,

“How can we resolve this? Is there any way I can help?”

Remember that it is never a good idea for you to be your husband’s police officer. Also, we’ll talk about this more later in the book, but know that your husband ALWAYS comes before your kids. If he is adamant about not changing, know that everything G-d does is for the good and He gave you a late husband for a reason, whatever it may be. Your attitude about it is crucial to making the best of the situation for you and your kids.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, put something in your husband’s lap so that you can work together to solve it.