The giver-receiver dynamic can be challenging to get down- but it’s so crucial to marital harmony!
In this episode, Leah concludes Chapter 5 of Marriage Secrets with pages 108-111, and unravels those knotty areas so that you can focus on helping your husband be the giver he was born to be…so you can sit back and receive!
Tune in for the first 8 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:46!
Leah’s Points to Ponder:
- We may think our husband is stingy, but in truth, our lack of being able to receive may be the primary thing that stops our husband from giving more to us.
- Don’t wait until he does something to thank him for- your job is to actively look for those things.
- Give your husband positive feedback as often as you can. Don’t let up!
- “There is never a situation where one spouse can give the other too much praise.” (Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, a”h)
- The greatest gift you can give your husband is to allow him to give to you and then acknowledge him for it.
- The more he gives to you, the more deeply he will love and cherish you.
Viewer Questions:
Esti: What if he feels I’m being ingenuine if I thank him so often? What if my gratitude will mean less to him because of the frequency of my compliments and thanks?
Leah: If your husband feels like you’re phony, you need to tell him:
“I’ve woken up to the right way to be a good wife and I realized how important it is for me to express my genuine appreciation for you. How can I show it in a way that you would like it? I mean what I say I need to show you my gratitude.”
Dalya: It’s been hard for me to fill up my husband’s cup with appreciation, respect, and gratitude because I feel such a lacking of it on my end. How can I fill up my own cup so I can be able to fill up his? He’s not very good at appreciating and thanking me.
Leah: I don’t know why this is the case, but we have many sources that it needs to start with the woman. Once you start pouring into his cup, in time it will come back to you, when you look for it and open yourself up to seeing it.
Elkie: I understand receiving and being a receiver is important, but when I ask my husband to be a giver and give to me more, he calls it nagging. Not sure what to do.
Leah: It’s not a good strategy to ask him to give to you. The more you receive by noticing every teeny tiny thing he does and thanking him for it, the more bracha (blessing) you will get.
Leeba: I think I am a poor receiver because I avoid interacting with my husband as much as possible. He has a temper and it creates an environment where I avoid him so I don’t have to deal with his tantrums. They are never physical, just loud and unpleasant. Our children also tiptoe around him. How can I receive when I just want to avoid?
Leah: Temper can be so destructive to relationships. It may be a therapist is necessary, at least for yourself, if he’s not open to it. At a time when you’re both in a good mood, you can try saying:
“When you get moody, how can I make things better? I don’t know what to do and I
want to be closer to you, but it’s hard for me to know how to handle those times.”
If you have a history of poor conflict resolution, this may make things worse, so it’s good to get a rabbi or therapist involved.
Ahuva: I know you keep saying that husbands love to give, but I really don’t feel like my husband does. I’ve been trying to receive more from him so that more bracha (blessing) comes but I haven’t seen much change. He’s a good person, but he isn’t so involved in trying to give to me more than what his obligations are. I know he is very consumed by his work, maybe that’s the cause. Or is there something wrong with him?
Leah: I’d love to know how long you’ve been trying. Tune in at time code 19:30 for a true story that might shed light on this situation! Remember that there’s always something the woman can do. Do some introspection and see if you are putting material demands on him, even in subtle ways, that make him feel like he needs to work more. Try to make the times you are together really count and really be positive and focus on him.
Bruchi: I’m working on being a good receiver, but my husband made a lot of mistakes in the way he treated me and how he communicated throughout the years. He admits to that, but I still can’t move past the hurt to become a good receiver. What should I do?
Leah: It sounds like he came forward to apologize- was it not sincere or are you afraid it’s going to happen again? At a peaceful time, talk to him authentically and vulnerably. Tune in at time code 22:34 for an example of this. If the apology was sincere but you can’t move on, you should examine your own inability to forgive. Was there something in your past that’s triggering you? Remember that when you forgive others, G-d is forgiving to you. Hold on to that thought to give you strength.
Frady: Throughout the years I’ve realized that I’m very needy. My husband tunes out my feelings and needs, sort of ignoring me, but if he is supposed to love being a giver, why isn’t he happy to address all my needs and give to me?
Leah: He can’t meet all your needs, not by a longshot. She needs to prioritize to 3 top essentials for him to meet. Getting those 3 needs met will make you immeasurably happier. Be careful to communicate your needs in a soft, respectful way. Nagging will only make you both unhappy. For more on clarifying and communicating your needs, check our Secret Wives Club Episodes 30 and 31!
Try This at Home:
Think of something to show your husband genuine appreciation for and decide how to share it with him in the most meaningful way.
