Some marriages seem so full of sparkle but my marriage is plain old boring!
Tune in to this Deep Dive as Leah answers questions about not having breakthroughs in marriage, sticky second marriages and what to do when you are simply fed up and totally bored in your marriage. Let’s learn how to bring some life back into a lifeless marriage.
Viewer’s Questions:
Rina: I hold down a steady job and boruch Hashem bring in a decent parnassah (livelihood). My husband has this dream for me to become this big career women and it just doesn’t talk to me. My priority is my family and a job is something I do to provide for my family. Is it right to follow my husband’s dream and pursue a grand career or do I follow my instinct?
Leah: I would ask your husband what’s driving him, is it money, prestige, maximizing your potential etc. Then express to him what is important to you. When it comes to following your instinct or your husband’s, there is certainly a mesorah for allowing a husband to direct the family, but this impacts you hugely and you have a voice which needs to be used. Timecode 03:50 will show you how to use your voice in the right way!
Sara: Everyone I speak to seems to be having these major breakthroughs when they are working on their shalom bayis. I am working so hard and following all your advice but I just am not seeing these open miracles. Can you please give me some chizuk (encouragement)?
Leah: Certain people do amazing things and they don’t feel it within themselves, or they have expectations of themselves so they don’t praise themselves sufficiently. You need to introspect and see if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t pat yourself on the back. Secondly, anyone who works on their shalom bayis is guaranteed to have more brocha in their home, so even if we don’t see it, we may just be missing things.
Gali: Often times when I tell my husband about a problem or issue I’m going through he just offers me solutions. Sometimes I just want sympathy, but at the end of the day he’s a man and can’t understand why the solutions don’t fix the problem. How do I explain that I just need an ear to listen to me?
Leah: You just did it beautifully, take this question and hand it to your husband.
Shiri: My husband always wants to buy me things which is sweet but it’s part of the bigger picture of wanting to live a lifestyle we can’t afford. I find myself resentful when he buys me things because the other areas of his overspending causes me so much friction. I don’t necessarily express this to him but inside I bubble up and just want to yell “Stop spending money we don’t have!” What do I say to him?
Leah: This gets to the heart of the giver/receiver relationship between a husband and wife. We know that all brocha comes from the husband to the wife and the more you receive, the more he will give and the more brocha will flow into your home. Telling him to stop spending interrupts this flow. But if you’re going into debt it’s obviously that much harder to receive. Learn our mesorah and ensure you’re implementing as much as you can, once you’re doing so much right, hopefully there’ll be more money coming in and your ability to receive his gifts will be wholehearted.
Leah: I’m in a second marriage and we both have kids from a previous marriage. I work really hard to make our kids feel equally loved and treat his children as my own. I feel my husband’s connection to my kids is not the same and it’s very obvious. He showers his kids with so much love and extra privileges and it feels as if my kids are invisible to him. How can I make him love my kids more?
Leah: The first step is a soft, sweet conversation to share your heart and ask him what can be done. Aside from this, there are things you could do on behalf of your husband, for example, buy gifts the kids would like and ask him to give it to them. Explain that you bought it because it would mean so much to them and to you. Hopefully the more he gives to them, the more invested he will feel.
Tasha: My friend got divorced and it seems like she has a better life. I know this sounds terrible but it’s getting me thinking that divorce might be an option for me too. My marriage has always been dull, and even though he’s a nice guy, I’m bored in life. I know marriage is the ideal but what about when the marriage is boring?
Leah: Firstly, the grass always looks greener. You’re seeing the fun of the independence, but you don’t see the misery of living alone. Often if someone makes a bad decision, they try to make it seem extra rosy to defend this. As the quote goes: she’s not only boring but she’s the reason for boredom in others. If you’re bored, introspect and see how you can make things more exciting in your life. It’s not your husband’s responsibility to make your life more entertaining and it shouldn’t be an expectation or demand. If you feel you want more excitement, make it happen. Divorce isn’t the answer though.
Try This At Home:
One time this week journal 10 things you’re grateful to your husband for.
