Playing the blame game can be so much fun…and harmful! But can blaming your husband ever be a good thing?

Leah addresses this and other critical issues in this Secret Wives Club Q&A episode, so tune in and learn when you can blame without shame!

Viewer Questions:

Rachel: As a wife, how can I soften my husband? He’s not nice to most of my family and I want to have a relationship with them but he doesn’t want me to spend time with them. My family is dysfunctional so he is right that I shouldn’t spend too much time, but also, he expects me to treat people he doesn’t like the way he does, like our neighbor.

Leah: There’s a difference between controlling and protecting. If he refuses to let you go to your family without him, it could be he’s controlling, or it could be he’s trying to shield you from a potentially damaging situation. You can talk to him about it, but based on the info we have, you should accept your hubby’s boundaries, since you may be too biased or damaged to judge in a healthy way when you need protecting.

Tova: How do we manage the dynamic where I work full time, while he has a flexible schedule?

Leah: Each couple has to work out for themselves what is best for them. Maybe some things should be hired out. Have the conversation.

Sara: What to do when he turns every situation into a joke even when people try to have a serious talk with them. People ask me if he’s mentally well that he does this.

Leah: This is a test of loyalty. Is the opinion of someone else more important to you than your own husband? It could be he gets uncomfortable in serious situations, maybe he’s trying to lighten things up, we don’t have all the info- but the bottom line is that this is your opportunity to show loyalty to him.

Rivky: My husband wants to know if there’s a book for men to go with your book, Marriage Secrets.

Leah:  Not that I know of, but my best advice for a man is to remember the 3 A’s: Attention, Appreciation, American Express card. And the last one goes first. But the more the woman enacts the mesorah (tradition), the more a man will do what he’s supposed to do.

Eliana: How important is it for a woman to have girlfriends? My husband and I moved away after getting married and I’ve had a hard time making friends.

Leah: There are sources for a woman needing to talk to other women. Volunteer for the shul, school or other community events. Ask the one person you know to help introduce you to other people. Tune in at timecode 17:19 for a true story from Leah about a similar situation.

Preva: I have an amazing coworker who is kind, honest, friendly…however she is constantly asks me for favors. I would never ask someone to do all the things she asks me- am I missing the chesed (kindness) muscle? Is there a limit to how much someone can ask?

Leah: You need to know what chesed you’re doing elsewhere, for your family, etc. Know your limit. There is room for you to say, “I want to be there for you, but I have a lot on my plate right now.” Blame your husband or your family. Find a way to phrase it that won’t make you an enemy.

Dina: I learned that people are receptive to criticism only when they’re treated with respect and shown genuine concern. Can you elaborate on that?

Leah: R’ Noach Weinberg said, “People don’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care.” Remember that respect is granted, never earned. You don’t wait for a person to be respectable before you respect him. He will only be worthy of respect if you grant him respect no matter what.

Brenda: What happens in a situation where a woman is more sensitive to relationships while pregnant?

Leah: Good luck! Good for you for realizing this about yourself. You’re perfectly normal and natural. If you can make light of it with your husband that is ideal. But definitely talk to him about it. If you’re ok with it, you can tell him he can call you out on it in a way that works for you, so you don’t let it push him away. Put the problem in his lap so he can help you reach a solution that works for you both. Tune in at timecode 28:10 for a personal story from Leah!

Try This at Home:

One time this week, show your husband EXTRAORDINARY respect. Compliment him to his mom in front of him or something else that works that is above what you normally do.