Bedtime has become dread time! Why can’t my husband just be on the same page as me?!

Join Leah as she takes a break from reading Marriage Secrets, fielding questions about your most pressing and relatable issues. Dread no more, disaster averted!

Viewer Questions:

Hadassah: Is this soft language technique a good thing to teach my kids to their father or is there no need for that in a father child relationship?

Leah: The way you speak to your husband will most likely trickle down to your family. The best way to teach them to speak respectfully to him is for you to be a living example.

Bracha: The outcome desired for all our conversations is almost always the same: for him to see that I’m right! It’s not that I don’t think he’s smart- I just happen to usually be more sensible about things and have a better track record of success. Am I being unreasonable?

Leah: You’re being perfectly reasonable… if your goal is to be right. But the goal is to have closeness and connection, which is what women truly crave. Is something holding you back from seeking that closeness? Listen at 03:27 for an insightful perception into the mindset juggle between wanting to be right versus wanting closeness. Before communicating, think how can I handle this in a way that will bring more closeness? That’s what Hashem wants and if you work on that, He will help you and you’ll be hugely rewarded.

Tamar: Even when I have a plan of what I want to say all worked out, I get very emotional as I’m speaking and the words I planned to say go out the window and the conversation deteriorates fast. Help!

Leah: You might be a person who does much better writing it out as a letter. The best advice is to write it and wait 24 hours and then edit it. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but it’ll give you the best chance of success. Another option is to explain it to him and ask for advice – tune in at 08:22 to hear how to positively talk to him about talking.

Tova: I’m worried if I think of H.O.T. before I try communicating it will make me more anxious and I might just avoid having the conversation in the first place. I have to work up a lot of nerve before bringing things up because I’m so scared of confrontation.

Leah: That’s exactly what you need to say to your husband. Tune in at 10:02 to hear how to ensure you feel heard and validated minus the confrontation . If you feel like nothing you do is working, get a third part involved. It may take time to find the right person to help you.

Eva: What if my husband doesn’t get it when I try to influence instead of control? He never gets what I’m trying to say unless I’m very direct and clear with him – which is controlling. This happens a lot regarding bedtime with our kids. Unless I specifically tell him what to do, he doesn’t follow the routine protocol and bedtime becomes a disaster.

Leah: If bedtime is a disaster and it’s causing tension in your home, it means he probably shouldn’t be the one doing it. If you are a stay-at-home mom and he works full time, this is especially true. Yes, he should be helping out, but it needs to be divided up in a way that doesn’t cause shalom bayis (marital harmony) issues. It’s worse for the kids to see conflict and disrespect between their parents than for their father to not be involved in the bedtime routine. Ask around for tips to make bedtime smoother- whilst being mindful to not say lashon hara (gossip) about your husband.

Brachi: I hate to say it but I kind of feel like my husband’s maid, even though he appreciates all I do for him. How do I change this unhealthy mindset?

Leah: That sounds like something the outside world influenced you on. Divisions of labor should be based on work schedules so there’s no one size fits all. Expectations can ruin shalom in the home. Rather, if your expectation is that you’re in charge of the household and anything he does is a bonus, it may change your mindset. Appreciate that he’s appreciating you- that’s already huge!

Penina: My husband likes to gossip. I don’t want to hear lashon hara. How do I respond in a way that’s not disrespectful? And how can I tell when he is venting and needs me and when he is just gossiping?

Leah: If it’s pure lashon hara have a discussion with your husband – timecode 23:07 will show you how to express your concerns without putting him down. Perhaps you could learn Guard Your Tongue with him. You are obligated to not listen to gossip, but it’s a fine line to know what your husband needs you to hear that will help him feel better about the other person. Handing the problem over to your husband is the best way to find the defense without the attack.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, take a look at your overall logistic plans and see if there’s something causing tension in the home, and find a solution.