He wants me to be more like his mother! Help!
Join Leah for another Deep Dive session as she answers fantastic questions which will help you accept yourself, accept your husband and learn how to get the acceptance you need. Tune in and hear how to get your husband to wish his mother was actually more like you!
Viewer Questions:
Shani: I get the feeling from my husband often that he doesn’t think I am a good mother. My kids are well looked after, I think it’s just that we come from very different homes. His mother never worked until the youngest child was 10. When I bring it up, he tells me I should do things the way his mother did, which makes me really resentful. Any tips to resolve this?
Leah: Regardless of the circumstances about whether you work or why you work, he can’t make you feel badly about your parenting. But a woman is never a victim, there is always something she can do. For example, it’s possible that a husband is critical because his wife is critical towards him. Perhaps not, but it’s something to reflect on. You want to spend your energy finding things to build each other up about. Try to put extra effort into praising him and see if he becomes less critical. We should always have an ayin tov (a good eye) towards our spouse. Timecode 06:04 will show you how to approach your husband and convey how hurt you feel when he compares you to his mother.
Chana: My husband used to be super caring. Recently he has been much more abrupt and involved in his own world. There have been no major changes in his life. I really used to appreciate his care and concern for me. Any tips on how to get my old hubby back?
Leah: Something must have happened to have caused this change. Try to understand what this might be. Sometimes us women get an idea in our minds, and we collect evidence to back this up which can taint the overall picture. Perhaps not, but it’s a possibility. So, it may not be as difficult or different as you’re currently perceiving. Communication is the best way to handle this, and timecode 12:45 will show you how to do it. It will also be beneficial to put the problem in his lap, tell him how you’re feeling and ask him what can be done. Men like to solve problems but make sure it doesn’t come across as an attack.
Chaviva: I find it hard to take my husband seriously. Often, he’ll request things, but I don’t see why it’s important, so even if I do it, my thoughts are that he’s making a big deal out of nothing. (For example, unplugging things from the socket.) How do I take his requests seriously if I don’t think it’s important?
Leah: Ask yourself why Hashem gave you a husband who finds these things important. Even if you don’t, do it anyway because the reward for following one’s husband is huge! A wife can’t use her seichel (brain) to undo what her husband says should be done. It’s not our job to second guess what our husband says. If it was hugely time-consuming then there is room for disagreement, but if it’s something that takes 2 minutes, just do it and the brocha (blessing) will flow.
Chanaleh: I’m trying hard to stay motivated and positive in my marriage but I can’t get over the past resentments. What can I do?
Leah: Watch our shows on resentments here and here. It’s valuable to journal what happened, why it upset you, why it’s hard to get over it and how it may relate to your childhood. Resentments need to be worked on as they prevent closeness. There is a whole chapter on this in Marriage Secrets.
Try This At Home:
One time this week think about anything that is preventing closeness between you and your husband and have a planned conversation about it.
