Ladies, get your pompoms ready! Now slowly put down the megaphone. A marriage is about being on the same team, so isn’t being a coach helpful and dare we say, necessary?
In this Secret Wives Club Q&A session, Leah will make sure you’re grabbing the right props to make your marriage a winner!
Viewer Questions:
Rivka asks: What if your husband knows you don’t respect him so he feels now when you try to it’s fake and makes him feel worse?
Leah: Great question. I’ve never seen showing respect backfire on anyone, though it’s possible. If you struggle with respecting him, write yourself a list of 50 things you appreciate about him, no matter how small. It may be a tough exercise, but it is guaranteed to pay off. It will make your actions of respect more genuine.
Tammy asks: As a newlywed you completely respect him and are so enamored and then it disappears. How do you bring back that newlywed feeling?
Leah: Fake it till you make it. But also, respect is different from everyday irritations. Respect means that no matter what he says or does you treat him as your king. His habits that you dislike, are daily irritations. It’s important that you never allow daily irritants to lessen your respect. Respect is like a rock. It is solid, unchanging and unmovable. And if your respect for him is a rock, he will be your rock. Make the irritants that you can’t let go “our” problem to solve together- we’ll discuss that more in the chapter on communication.
Raizy asks: My husband wanted to wake up early, but he overslept. I was trying not to control him, so I didn’t wake him up. Now he’s mad at me for not waking him.
Leah: Wife shouldn’t be policemen. It is bad for any marriage. If your husband wants to start waking up early, say:
“That’s great, honey. I find for myself it’s helpful to start small, like maybe start once a week and then build up. How can I support you in this without nagging you or being your policeman?”
If he insists that he wants you to nag him and keep him on target, say:
“I really don’t feel comfortable being that person, but can I buy you a special alarm ?”
Be his cheerleader, not his coach!
Aviva asks: It sounds like respect is the #1 thing to work on if you have to start somewhere in improving your marriage- is that right?
Leah: Definitely, but we’re also going to discuss getting your needs met very soon, because it’s very hard to maintain respect when you’re not getting your needs met, so stay tuned.
Sara says: I’ve been a control freak since missing my due date in the womb. Where do I begin?
Leah: We’ll discuss this in depth later, but the fastest shift is to understand that if G-d wanted you to run the world, everything would run according to your opinion. That probably isn’t the case, wink wink. But the fact is, collective opinions and knowledge lead to more progress.
Jennifer says: If I’m in a difficult marriage, how can I help others if I can’t even help myself?
Leah: We’re all works in progress. If you don’t feel comfortable giving advice in this area because you’re still struggling, that makes sense, you don’t have to and perhaps shouldn’t. Women do have tremendous power to improve their marriage, so understand that you’re not a victim of a difficult marriage. You have so many tools (which we’ll discuss) and so much power to improve your situation. Choose one thing you can implement and see the changes that can begin to happen.
Esther asks: You often speak of using your bina yesaira (women’s intuition)- I’ve never been able to tap into it- do you have some advice?
Leah: It’s not some mystical, spiritual power. It’s your strong, emotional opinion or sense of right and wrong that isn’t necessarily based on logic. But it is how you give over those feelings and opinions makes all the difference. If you follow giving it over with: “…but what do you think, dear?” then you are much more likely to be heard.
Try This at Home:
Once this week when you state an opinion, follow it with, “But what do YOU think, dear?”
