Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• The first thing to do is to clarify what a toxic relationship is. There are toxic interactions where it’s possible to come back to harmony. A toxic relationship means there is no harmony to come back to.
• A healthy relationship has growth, and the trajectory is uphill. A toxic relationship causes constant damage, is rife with conflict, criticism and damaging behaviour, and the trajectory is downhill.
• A healthy relationship nurtures your strength, a toxic relationship focuses on your weakness.

Viewer Questions:

Question 1: I’m married to a monster, why should I work on this toxic relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship:

• Any form of abuse; verbal, emotional and physical. If this is the case, immediate help must be sought.
• Ongoing criticism, belittling, micromanaging or controlling behaviour.
• Not feeling safe, walking on eggshells as constantly unsure if there’ll be a blow up.
• Nothing gets resolved. Attempting to communicate or requesting third-party help being constantly rebuffed.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Could it be that he is simply immature? Behaviours can be taught.
• Does he have baggage from his childhood? This could be dealt with through therapy.
• Is there mental illness? This needs a psychiatrist or medication.
• Do you have a backbone and inner confidence? Express your feelings and boundaries.
• What is your own contribution? Honestly assess your behaviour and if you can minimize his toxic behaviour.

If there is a good track record of communication, the above issues can be discussed directly, otherwise a third party should intervene.

Tune in at 27:42 to hear a story which will help you understand how your own possible toxic behaviour might be causing you husband’s toxic behaviour.

Question 2: Why is it up to the woman to work on the relationship?

It’s up to both the man and the woman but this is a show for women, so we are focusing on what she can do.

She must do everything in her power to make it work or she’ll forever regret it. This includes:

• Reading books and articles.
• Seeking Rabbinic advice.
• Counselling for at least a year.

Any pain within a bad marriage doesn’t compare to the pain of singlehood.

If there is real abuse, of course a divorce is necessary. But many divorces aren’t justified. Life might not be easy, for whatever reason G-d has chosen this circumstance for you, but a difficult life doesn’t equal divorce. Do the hard work.

If you put in effort in shalom bayis (marital harmony) and pour love on your husband, it is guaranteed that brocha (blessings) will pour into your life.

Question 3: How can we help someone who is in a toxic relationship stay married?

Most doormats have a welcome sign on it- a woman who is a victim to someone’s abuse should think about what she might be doing.

• There’s always something a woman can do to make things better, help her to find what it is.
• Perhaps she needs to grow her own self-esteem or delve into her own potentially toxic past.
• Ensuring she has strong boundaries and can effectively communicate them.
• Delving into common fights and how to circumvent them.
• Having zero tolerance for certain behaviours. Timecode 51:14 will show how to communicate the need for him to stop in a firm yet gentle way.
• Ensuring she has support such as support groups or a therapist.
• Journalling can be effective.

There is so much a woman can do to heal a relationship. Us women are often in fight mode so we forget that our emotions might melt our husband’s heart.